It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell. It was certainly a Halloween tale for the ages.
“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.
By Halloween night, President Loh, long a deep thinker, had settled on the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror, and quickly lost touch with reality.
“LOH NO!” he screamed. “OH MY GOD THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY MIRROR BARBARA GET RID OF HIM!”
Mrs. Loh, confused, attempted to calm her husband. But the only sight Loh saw in the mirror was his wife lovingly approach an underage drinking student.
“NO!” he screamed. “STAY AWAY FROM MY BARBARA!”
After swinging his hot fire poker at his mirror, Loh dove for his phone and called the UMPD, screaming that a student was drinking illegally in his house and making advances on his wife. In the recording of the 911 call, through Loh’s largely indistinguishable screaming, came demands. “Kill kill kill!” he screamed. “No matter what he says! No matter who it is!”
Arriving on the scene with four cruisers, a battering ram, and a helicopter, the police used grenades to brake into Loh’s house, and placed him under arrest before the dust and smoke had settled. Tying him to his living room armchair next to his fireplace, they began to taunt and question him, not being able to identify him.
“Frat guy in the house!” ranted a captain.
“Big tough guy with his big tough beer!” spat a sergeant.
“Cheesy cop line!” barked a junior officer.
“Who’s in charge here?” demanded one lieutenant.
“I am,” responded Loh.
“Where are the deputies?” inquired another lieutenant to roaring laughter.
At that point, Loh slowly raised his finger, pointing to his employees one-by-one, from cop to cop. Their smiles vanished.
For the next four-and-a-half hours, the President’s Residence was torn asunder by furious gunfire, as well as a few grenade explosions. Each officer attempted to arrest the other four for underage drinking, despite the men ranging in age from mid 20s to lower 60s, while Wallace Loh struggled to shield his wife from the mayhem and destruction.
It seemed the only officer willing to “accept” he had indeed drank underage was Lieutenant Philip Tou. In total shame, Tou attempted to take his own life during the firefight, but his skull was too thick for a bullet to pass through.
After all the officers exhausted their ammunition, they began fighting hand-to-hand, using whatever weapons they could scrounge, including burning embers from the fire, hot fire pokers, and the empty firearms. There appeared to be no end in sight to the pandemonium.
Reenactment of Monday night’s events:
The officers were finally distracted from their fight by a mysterious crackling and slapping sound. Silent for a moment, it didn’t take the five officers and two Lohs long to realize that the mansion they were in was under assault – by a barrage of eggs.
Having momentarily forgotten that it was still Halloween night, it took a moment for those inside to catch their bearings. But it was Tou who took control.
“TILL DEATH!” he screamed, to roars of concord, and the officers grabbed every weapon they could from Loh’s secret armory in his cellar.
In the year of our Lord 2011, policemen of Maryland, overfed and over-equipped, charged the fields of College Park. They fought like Wallace Loh-its. They fought like Terrapins, and stole students’ freedom.
Mel Gibson contributed to this report
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