Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Loh: “We’re going to punch Barack Obama in the face together!”

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.

Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the latter was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”

Loh declared his candidacy during the Republican Presidential Primary Debate in Iowa, aiming for the same flair Michelle Bachmann claimed when she announced her candidacy in the last debate.

However, Loh declared his candidacy on Twitter, not in the debate, something Rick Perry declared as “strategically sound,” but others described as “retarded.”

President Loh’s candidacy has been seriously questioned on many grounds, primarily that he was not born in the United States. Records state that he was born in January 1946 in Shanghai, China, then moved to Lima, Peru as an infant. He immigrated to the United States at the age of 16.

“He’s not born in America, and I can definitively say that without sounding batshit crazy,” former Fox News Commentator Glenn Beck said on his radio show yesterday.

Loh’s office has responded to assertions that he wasn’t born in the U.S. with various explanations from different staffers.

“He was born in Honolulu, check the birth notices in the December 8th, 1941 Honolulu Advertiser,” said one staffer, insisting “assuming it was a usual news cycle, Loh’s name would be there.”

“He was born in an American factory in Shanghai when his parents were on a business trip,” said another, insisting that Loh was therefore considered a legally naturalized citizen.

A third staffer responded to the accusations that Loh wasn’t born in the U.S. with “Neither was Barack Obama. But at least Dr. Loh isn’t potentially African or Muslim.”

One of the three explanations appeared to suffice, and Dr. Loh’s papers were filed by the Republican Party.

When Loh himself was pressed, his only answer was “What does it say about America if someone cannot achieve their dreams because of the way they are born?” Loh said he expected Congress to work out a Constitutional Amendment to change the law once and for all.

Loh’s stances on various issues are bound to draw support. He supports a full repeal of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the Obama Administration’s signature healthcare law also known as ‘Obamacare,’ and Loh has also stated that priority one of his foreign policy agenda will be to “gargle Israel’s sack.” Loh has ideas for the middle class, the EPA, and gay rights agenda, and plans to detail those in a forthcoming op-ed with The Thirsty Turtle Times.

As another man of humble origins chases the world’s highest throne, the world waits.

Johnny Tremain contributed to this report.

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