UMD Updates Official Title

The University of Maryland, College Park, as it was formerly known, broke new ground today by changing its officially recognized title.  After facing criticism for its inconcise and indecisive nature on its name and branding, Maryland’s flagship institution has retermed itself as “the University of Maryland, College Park, inside the Beltway but not in Washington, D.C., in between Route 193, Route One (for the most part (until East Campus is built)), and Knox Road, centered around a large mall with a pleasant fountain.”

“We’re very excited about this,” said an upbeat University President Wallace Loh, at the rebranding press conference this morning. “Now the students will have a very hard time coming up with obscene chants!”

The University has long faced criticism for its inability to market itself. Abbreviated, it is variously written out as UMD, UMDCP, UMCP, or just UM. The state and school have worked to keep confusion to a minimum, to little avail.  In 1997, the state asserted that only the College Park and Baltimore County campuses could go by University of Maryland. However, confusion persisted, as both schools frequently used their long forms.

“We knew there was no way we would exclude the Baltimore County campus from the University of Maryland brand name. They’re too important, which is why everyone always hears about them,” Loh elaborated.  “So instead, we decided to specify. We talked it over. We got the Maryland thing down, but we felt everyone needed to know it was inside the Beltway, because things are different there – but it’s NOT Washington. Route one skirts the entire East Coast, and we think it has a culture to it, so we included that. 193, Mowatt Lane and Knox may have been a bit much, but we figured we’d finish the job. And to distinguish it from the University College, we included the nice mall and pleasant fountain. It adds a nice touch.“

The school website is set to relocate to www.umdcpibnwdcib193r1seckrcalmpf.edu.  Loh went on a rambling explanation of the title:

“We knew we wouldn’t include little words like of, the, or, and ‘and.’ However, we included the n before wdc (Washington, D.C.) because the ‘not’ is very important there. We decided to include “DC” for specificity, as well as abbreviate “in between” as ib because, really, only saying ‘between’ sounds fucking stupid. Route one was tough…” at which point our reporter’s tape recorder ran out of battery.

At the press conference, reporters scrambled to keep up with their notes. As an awkward, unsettled silence settled for a few seconds, Loh reassured everyone in the room.

“This is for all of you. The last thing we want is mass confusion.”

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) contributed to this report.

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