COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.
“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”
When asked to justify a $25 million theme park while the University of Maryland is in such tight fiscal times, Loh insisted, “this project is for the students, and it will bring in money. I am absolutely convinced that my staff will be willing to foot the $2,400 yearly pass on the park. Buy 10 years, get the 11th free! At less than six dollars a day, you can’t afford not to ride the Turtle-Shell Obliterator 3000!”
Many students have expressed shock and anger at the new plans, suggesting the money would be better spent shoring up a debt-ridden athletics department or fixing the school’s crumbling infrastructure.
“Each of those agencies has their own budget and must fund themselves, through donations, revenue, etc.” explained Loh, suggesting that the three matters were unrelated. When asked what was funding the theme parks, Loh muttered something about “the Ball Loh Hard University Fund.” He refused to elaborate.
When asked instead if bathrooms should charge entry fees to fund the plumbing, Loh abruptly stood up.
“Who the hell do you think you are, breaking into the financial office and reading our 2013 budgeting? Get the hell off my property!”
Construction on LohKeldin Park begins this week.
LaMarcus Adna Thompson contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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