COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.
The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.
Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.
“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.
It was a joyous moment for University officials, who have enacted a series of initiatives to limit the black squirrel presence on campus, including banning them from approaching within 150 yards of all campus eateries, athletic facilities, and performing arts centers.
“We will rid the entire campus of these ungodly beasts,” raved UMD Provost Ann Wylie. “Never again will these black bastards torment this campus. No more innocent humans and grey squirrels being beaten and raped. Never again will thievery reign throughout the land. Never again will they bring their barbarism and indecency to corrupt our peaceful gray-squirreled society. As long as we keep these monsters in check, we needn’t concern ourselves that anything else is a problem.”
No word yet on a response from the black-squirreled community. While some have suggested that a statement is not forthcoming since the squirrels are incapable of speech or thought, Wylie had a different opinion.
“They’re learning their f—–g place.”
Bullwinkle J. Moose contributed to this report. He can be reached at email@example.com
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