EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.
Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park. But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.
The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland. Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign.
“That thing isn’t even up straight anymore!” yelled Trey, referring to the sign. “Yeah,” added Tyler. “It looks like Mason Plumlee going for a rebound.”
Students in New Jersey took to the streets of their various hometowns, flooding market squares and pouring out of bars and clubs. Fights broke out across the state, from Teaneck to Cherry Hill, allegedly begun as a result of the game.
“Interesting that they chose college basketball as their excuse this time,” said Lieutenant Peter Costello of the New Jersey State Police. “They must have really cared about that game.”
In Baltimore, several Maryland students attempted to riot in the North Avenue/Belair Road part of town. Of the school’s Baltimore residents who returned to College Park, the few who have been seen in public have often been moving frantically, carrying schoolbooks, always in tears. All who were asked have refused to comment on what happened.
A sizeable chunk of Maryland students spent their hard-earned savings on a trip to Panama City, Florida. They watched the game, celebrated outside all night, had an awesome time and you hate them.
In New York, Maryland students crowded into several designated bars across The Bronx, Manhattan, and Brooklyn, and all successfully congregated at The Charging Bull following the game. Their tweets, Facebook posts, and other social media boasts of their plans were intercepted by the CIA.
Special ops were on scene in minutes. Several students were killed by unmanned drones. Several more were captured, and have reportedly been sent to the federal detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Rep. Peter King (R, NY), and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D, NY) sparred on CNN as to the legality of the killings and incarcerations.
“These kids should have been given a fair tri – uhhh, I think President Obama is a trustworthy man. This must be a Republican’s fault,” said Sen. Gillibrand, blinking every syllable.
“Don’t believe the Ayatollah’s lies. We will not negotiate with terrorists! Hats off to the entire ladder of law enforcement here, from the ground guys right to the top man not appointed by the president,” said Rep. King without blinking.
Meanwhile in Boston, UMD students were buried under another snowstorm. It was the only city where a bonfire was considered the cool way to celebrate.
Meanwhile, in New Orleans, many vacationing Maryland fans were out on the streets following the game, but it’s unclear what they were celebrating. Information is of course hazy, as the Thirsty Turtle Times correspondent on sight reports he was “blacked out like a pelican in the Gulf of Mexico.” Reportedly, however, New Orleans was the only celebration where the common “Show your tits!” chant actually found any success.
University of Maryland students also took to the seas, as many joined a discount Carnivale Cruiseline ship from Tampa, Florida, through the Caribbean and back. None of those students saw or followed the game, however, as the ship’s power went out and it was out of range of any cellular service. The students rioted anyway, as soon as the ship ran out of toilet paper and buckets.
And despite all the celebrations, despite Maryland’s ensuing loss to North Carolina in the ACC semifinals, there’s still plenty of energy left in Terpnation.
“We’re going crazy if they win the NIT,” added Trey from Columbia. “Like, I’m talking pulling out my mom’s flowers crazy.”
Ethan Diamond and Mother Nature contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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