Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).
Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:
COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.
UMD is moving to the AFC North
The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”
The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”
BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.
Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.
“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”
Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision
But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China, differentiated as Mainland China or simply China, which drew the most attention. The autocratic emerging superpower visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”
Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.
BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.
Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.
The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.
“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department, speaking from his brand new Audi R8 GT Spyder.
In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.
COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.
Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by Mr. O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh. Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.
The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought. It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes.
“I always knew it would take an act of God,” said Mary Yanik, head of UMD Drop Daycon, a group that has supported cutting the school’s contract with this D.C. based company since last year.
Loh: “We’re going to punch Barack Obama in the face together!”
Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.
Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the latter was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”
The University of Maryland, College Park, as it was formerly known, broke new ground today by changing its officially recognized title. After facing criticism for its inconcise and indecisive nature on its name and branding, Maryland’s flagship institution has retermed itself as “the University of Maryland, College Park, inside the Beltway but not in Washington, D.C., in between Route 193, Route One (for the most part (until East Campus is built)), and Knox Road, centered around a large mall with a pleasant fountain.”