Tag Archives: University of Maryland Police Department

Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here.

Last year, the state government of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.

The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.

Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.

The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face?  Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?

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UMPD Does Something Right

COLLEGE PARK – The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

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Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a Halloween tale for the ages.

“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.

By Halloween night, President Loh, long a deep thinker, had settled on the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror, and quickly lost touch with reality.

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Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story.

In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.

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