LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again.
ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees and shot an elderly woman in the calf instead.
Results in the UK’s snap election of June 8th have confirmed a hung parliament, raising prospects yet again of a coalition government in London, although pollsters had predicted conservatives to maintain their majority. It was yet another major failure by British polling organizations.
ComRes Editor-in-Chief Milford Blatley attempted to put a shotgun to his throat, but appeared to have miscalculated the electrons being sent to his biceps, and instead blasted a raven’s nest in Birmingham.
After failing to predict a conservative landslide in 2015, a “Leave” vote in the 2016 “Brexit” referendum, and Donald Trump’s US presidential victory the following November, British pollsters have failed once again. The shame was overwhelming.
Kantar’s board of editors attempted to put cyanide gas in their ventilation system, but a misreading of their maps led them to poison a nearby kindergarten instead.
Pollsters are now predicting Jeremy Corbyn to be named British Prime Minister with 112% certainty.
Nate Silver did not contribute to this report. He cannot be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org