COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library. The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.
“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.
Last year, the state government of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.
The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.
Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.
The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face? Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?
COLLEGE PARK – The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.
Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency
Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus. The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.
“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”
COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.
DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night
The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.
Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.
“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.
It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell. It was certainly a Halloween tale for the ages.
“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.
By Halloween night, President Loh, long a deep thinker, had settled on the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror, and quickly lost touch with reality.
In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.
This past August, the College Park community was shocked to discover that a dead hippopotamus had been uncovered underneath the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Originally a mystery, The Thirsty Turtle Times has uncovered the true story through a variety of sources, public and private.
In June of 1928, what is currently known as R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station was just a five-year-old gas station named College Park Auto Place.
Current Bentley’s owner John Brown reveals to us that then-owner Jonas Giller was furious with a zoology expedition at the University of Maryland. Out of an abundance of caution, local authorities had forbidden automobiles from entering town, robbing Giller of any business for the day.
As the expedition wound down, the hippopotamus keeper stopped at College Park Auto Place for gas. Giller then allegedly ordered his hourly staffer to open the hippo pen, intending to cause a diversion.
I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.
Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.
But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.
They had taken our wonderful boy! Spent his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!
Vito explaining why Ratsie’s should be demolished in October 2010 (Charlie DeBoyace – The Diamondback)
COLLEGE PARK – A terrifying scene reigned in downtown College Park last night, as Vito Riccio, 27, owner of Vito’s Pizza on Route One, reemerged from his mysterious recent absence in spectacular fashion – by burning Ratsie’s Pizza and Subs to the ground.
Riccio has not been seen in months, as his shop has remained boarded up for unspecified reasons. His reemergence last night was almost as shocking as the fashion in which he did it.
Reporters on scene documented a man in hysterical rage.
COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.
Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by Mr. O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh. Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.