The University of Maryland, College Park, as it was formerly known, broke new ground today by changing its officially recognized title. After facing criticism for its inconcise and indecisive nature on its name and branding, Maryland’s flagship institution has retermed itself as “the University of Maryland, College Park, inside the Beltway but not in Washington, D.C., in between Route 193, Route One (for the most part (until East Campus is built)), and Knox Road, centered around a large mall with a pleasant fountain.”
The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free. We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’ We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future. And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.
Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing. Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.
Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.
The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction. And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.
For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.
Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report