We are pleased to announce that the Thirsty Turtle Times is MOVING!
To the Flat Earth Times.
Ok, something is amiss here.
Last year, the state government of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.
The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.
Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.
The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face? Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?
The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free. We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’ We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future. And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.
Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing. Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.
Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.
The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction. And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.
For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.
Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report