BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.
Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.
“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”
Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision
But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China, differentiated as Mainland China or simply China, which drew the most attention. The autocratic emerging superpower visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”
Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.
Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues. Many people took offense to what they perceived to be slanderous hate speech by the advertisement, and the school’s Student Government Association went so far as to condemn the paper.
At the Thirsty Turtle Times, “standards” are like business at the Barking Dog – nonexistent. Since day one, our “About” page has told the truth – that like our namesake, we will admit anything with a pulse.
And so, the Thirsty Turtle Times is proud to print the original advertisement by FLAME, uncut, which the Diamondback deemed to “inflammatory” to publish. Enjoy!
COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.
Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by Mr. O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh. Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.