Tag Archives: Terps

Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign.

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Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

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Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report

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