Last year, the state government of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.
The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.
Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.
The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face? Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?
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Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney Victory
BOSTON/CHICAGO – It was a night to remember for Mitt Romney/Barack Obama, whose second bid for the presidency proved successful at last. After a long, bitter, and expensive campaign, Romney/Obama and his supporters finally had a night to celebrate.
“Tonight, we mark true change/take a great step forward for America!” boasted Romney/Obama in his victory speech. “Tonight, we turn to America’s better future, with an eye on compromise, and hearts on our common purpose!”
BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.
Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.
“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”
Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision
But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China, differentiated as Mainland China or simply China, which drew the most attention. The autocratic emerging superpower visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”
Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.
COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.
Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by Mr. O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh. Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.
The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought. It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes.
“I always knew it would take an act of God,” said Mary Yanik, head of UMD Drop Daycon, a group that has supported cutting the school’s contract with this D.C. based company since last year.