Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.
The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building. Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.
This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54. Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.
The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress. Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.
Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).
Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:
Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus.
The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity sports next year in what Athletic Director Kevin Anderson has called “oh f***, I’m not getting a raise any time soon.”
Loh’s Future Mansion (architect’s conception)
Nonetheless, President Loh and the Board of Regents have insisted on the necessity of the mansion.
“My salary is X, my expenses are Y, as long as my mansion is built I do not care where the difference comes from. That is my entire involvement,” he was heard to say before the protests, while Mrs. Loh was watching the 2008 film Taken very loudly in the next room.
COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.
“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”
It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell. It was certainly a Halloween tale for the ages.
“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.
By Halloween night, President Loh, long a deep thinker, had settled on the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror, and quickly lost touch with reality.