The hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage. It closed every business in College Park – except Jimmy John’s.
Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Evidence indicated it had been there for decades.
“It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming. There was no constant in that bar that made me think, something vile is under the floorboards. I’m in total shock.”
For the past four days, College Park has been abuzz with excitement, anticipating the arrival of President Barack Obama to the University of Maryland for a Town Hall meeting in Ritchie Coliseum. Apparently, it was all for nothing.
“There’s too much damn traffic!” ranted Obama’s 2012 Campaign Manager Jim Messina. “What is going on up there? All the spending this city has orchestrated in the last decade, and we can’t even control our own streets? It’s a disaster!”
The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free. We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’ We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future. And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.
Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing. Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.
Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.
The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction. And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.
For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.
Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report