Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge.

Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he noticed a surprise.

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night.

“They didn’t charge me for my side of mashed potatoes!” she explained the following morning from what remained of her apartment. In fact, the dining hall’s cash registers encountered a glitch, and nullified every mashed potato purchase for about a minute.

What followed next was totally called for, as students from inside and out flooded the open space beyond the registers, screaming and celebrating. Security had anticipated the rush, and escorted the cashiers through the crowd to the kitchens, with students reaching over to pat their backs enthusiastically.

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DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!!

NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc

Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney Victory

BOSTON/CHICAGO – It was a night to remember for Mitt Romney/Barack Obama, whose second bid for the presidency proved successful at last. After a long, bitter, and expensive campaign, Romney/Obama and his supporters finally had a night to celebrate.

“Tonight, we mark true change/take a great step forward for America!” boasted Romney/Obama in his victory speech. “Tonight, we turn to America’s better future, with an eye on compromise, and hearts on our common purpose!”

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Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Loh: “We’re going to punch Barack Obama in the face together!”

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.

Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the latter was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”

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BREAKING: Obama’s Visit to Campus Cancelled because of Traffic

For the past four days, College Park has been abuzz with excitement, anticipating the arrival of President Barack Obama to the University of Maryland for a Town Hall meeting in Ritchie Coliseum.  Apparently, it was all for nothing.

“There’s too much damn traffic!” ranted Obama’s 2012 Campaign Manager Jim Messina. “What is going on up there? All the spending this city has orchestrated in the last decade, and we can’t even control our own streets? It’s a disaster!”

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