Bentley’s Finally Stops Smelling After Bouncer’s Arrest

Prince George’s County Police Arriving to Arrest Marcus Plummer.

COLLEGE PARK: Many thought it was all over last year, when a hippopotamus was removed from the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station in College Park. The horrible stenches the established bar was known for never ceased, and the mystery continued.

Until now.

Last month, Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer, 28, was arrested and charged with first and second degree assault and reckless endangerment for beating a patron outside the establishment. The rowdy, drunk customer attempted to reenter the bar after being escorted out, shouting, “I NEED TO SING THIS LINE HEYYYY MAMA ROCK ME.”

Plummer stopped him with punishing force, and hasn’t been to Bentley’s since. And a new dawn has come to the old saloon.

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China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China, differentiated as Mainland China or simply China, which drew the most attention. The autocratic emerging superpower visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

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UMPD Does Something Right

COLLEGE PARK – The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

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University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.

Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.

The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.

“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department, speaking from his brand new Audi R8 GT Spyder.

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Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus.

The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity sports next year in what Athletic Director Kevin Anderson has called “oh f***, I’m not getting a raise any time soon.”

Loh’s Future Mansion (architect’s conception)

Nonetheless, President Loh and the Board of Regents have insisted on the necessity of the mansion.

“My salary is X, my expenses are Y, as long as my mansion is built I do not care where the difference comes from. That is my entire involvement,” he was heard to say before the protests, while Mrs. Loh was watching the 2008 film Taken very loudly in the next room.

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JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has been given an intervention by concerned friends and family.  Officials say this was a long time coming.

Maryland students received an email at about 9:15 PM on Monday, January 16, alerting them of a fire in J.M. Patterson building.  Several follow up emails lead many to believe the blaze was uncontrollable.

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UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.

“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”

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Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.

DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night

The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.

Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.

“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.

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Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

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Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues.  Many people took offense to what they perceived to be slanderous hate speech by the advertisement, and the school’s Student Government Association went so far as to condemn the paper.

At the Thirsty Turtle Times, “standards” are like business at the Barking Dog – nonexistent. Since day one, our “About” page has told the truth – that like our namesake, we will admit anything with a pulse.

And so, the Thirsty Turtle Times is proud to print the original advertisement by FLAME, uncut, which the Diamondback deemed to “inflammatory” to publish. Enjoy!

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