COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library. The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.
“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.
“I was just reading my copy of The Engineering Magazine, when that guy in sunglasses and a muscle shirt came in and asked about his ‘30 Natural Light’ or something,” recounted Elmira Banks, one of McKeldin Library’s front desk staffers, seeming bewildered. “I told him no, we have electric lighting, and he got angry so I went to my boss.”
David Allen, the director of DOTS, was at the time filling in as staff manager for McKeldin. He heard the words natural light, and reportedly began screaming.
“HE WANTS TO RIP OPEN THE WALLS AND CEILING, IT’S A BOMB!” he was heard to shout over the radio to the University of Maryland Police Department’s officer stationed in the library at the time.
The officer listened raptly, and calmly reassured Mr. Allen. “No no no,” he said. “Natural Light is beer. The students drink it at.. parties…”
He sputtered. “OH GOD I NEED BACKUP,” he roared into his radio. “GET EVERYONE DOWN HERE NOW!”
Within five minutes, every emergency vehicle in Prince George’s County was outside McKeldin Library. Though the library was evacuated, no message was issued through UMD Alerts, leading to some student dissatisfaction.
“We had a moral obligation to prevent students from approaching unopened alcoholic beverages” said an officer on site. “Staying calm is not as important as staying sober.”
K-9 units (bomb-sniffing dogs), which had been in training for some few weeks before the incident, were on scene with the UMPD. Unfortunately they had practiced hunting down beers so often, always finishing by chewing them open and consuming their contents, they were still inebriated, and were mostly useless. Yet they didn’t prove necessary.
After the evacuation and four-hour search, the school had lost some $10,000 of misplaced or stolen equipment, an estimated $1,000 spent on emergency services, and students had forgone a night of studying for finals.
From their search of McKeldin Library the police uncovered and confiscated 797 Natural Light beers, 36 bottles of varying hard liquors, 25 different bags, containers, joints, blunts or spliffs of marijuana, four strippers, two bottles of absinthe, and an injection-ready horse tranquilizer.
The original unknown suspect is still at large, though students are advised to keep their eyes out for a “white male aged 18-22, who likes Natural Light beer.”
Later reached over the phone for comment, an unspecified officer at the UMPD station said “EEEEEEGHHHHEWAAAAHAAAAGHFHGOTERPSUFHGHFUGHFOHA.”
You deserve it, boys.
Thanks to those who keep us safe. To reach the losers who always make fun of them, email firstname.lastname@example.org