It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo.
When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes and sizes.” Frank is an old timer, despite his actual youth. His experiences in life render him the perfect candidate for the job I gave him, which will mostly be reviewing movies. Frank graduated from Syrit College in 2005.
Frank is dedicated. He is ruthless. He is insane. He has no self-respect whatsoever. Frank doesn’t have time to respect himself, because he’s too busy disrespecting every institution we hold dear. Whether it’s the next movie from Friedberg and Seltzer, or his own sex life, there is no truth Frank is afraid to publically dismantle.
This is quite simply because the truth has already done all the evil it could possibly do to Frank. He is miserable. We’re not sure if he’s divorced, stuck in a hopeless marriage, utterly alone, dying, or what. But I can tell you this: whichever one of those situations he’s in, Frank would happily make it worse, just to punish himself. Frank’s favorite weather is cold rain. He is an eternal pessimist, and there is quite simply no way the “truth” could get any worse for him.
So nothing is out of bounds. Frank will burn down cities or forests with his vociferous gavel, and rip out your soul with his judgement. He is bold. He is honest. He is… depressing. Most of all, he is Frank.
Introducing Frank Mayo.
Frank Mayo’s first review will be published tomorrow. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
2011 Thirsty Turtle Times