So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.
Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.
Like the Thirsty Turtle Times itself, I will keep it realer than reality. This campaign will be as genuine as it could possibly be without violating Federal Election law. And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea where that line is.
My positions are certainly beyond reality:
- I will absolutely repeal Obamacare – not because it’s unconstitutional or bad policy, but because together, we will work to screw over as many students as possible.
- My foreign policy will be as simple as possible, because as we all know, complex questions have simple answers. So I will smile at everybody, smile more at Israel, and answer no more questions. World problems solved. Seriously no questions.
- The government needs to save money. So, I propose that we abolish several agencies – the Department of Commerce, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Consumer Protection Agency, for starters. We will replace those agencies with Daycon services, which will take over all governmental responsibility pertaining to corporate integrity. I’ll funnel them a $10 billion budget – far cheaper than all those soon-to-be-former agencies, but enough to make Daycon rich. Why? Because I fucking hate those drop-Daycon assholes, and I hope you do too.
- Judges will be allowed to have whatever opinions they want, as long as those opinions are the same as mine.
- Speaking of judicial matters, I am a big supporter of the Lay and Gesbian community. They deserve equality, but I’ll never get the Republican nomination if I support corrupting marriage. So I propose we ban marriage entirely. Nobody happy, everybody wins.
- I would have supported raising the debt ceiling, because I’m not THAT batshit crazy. However, I only really believe that so we can keep giving money to China. I am somewhat crazy.
I may be Fake Wallace Loh, but damnit, I keep it realer than Kraft cheese (first campaign donation). This campaign is true. I may be your university president, but together, we are the University of Maryland. And we’re taking our Terps straight to the White House.
P.S. Keep your eyes pealed for an op-ed from most glorious Vice Presidential Candidate Lee!
Dr. Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.
Fake Wallace Loh has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011. He is a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America.
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org