I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.
Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.
But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.
They had taken our wonderful boy! Spent his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!
But there’s hope.
Most glorious Army of the Republic, the officers of the University of Maryland Police Department, who will stop at nothing to eradicate this terrible scourge upon our happy home, have recently been authorized by me to slaughter the enemy with total impunity.
My fearless policemen bravely fired upon Thomas as he attempted to poison helpless Timmy. Thomas was killed, but poor Timmy was caught in the crossfire. He did not make it. We will make him a martyr of our glorious pursuit of cleansing our streets of this disgusting poison. And remember, the important thing is that we killed Thomas.
The precious, sweet, innocent children wander through the streets, lost and confused, hoodwinked and delirious. The fumes of hellfires roast their innards like hot sirloin. The demon spirits drown our young boys and girls in darkness and delirium.
Yes, those terrible, monstrous, horrific demon spirits! How dare they poison the innocent? They chant that it is the way – that they are entitled to their right to imbibe the swill of Satan. But what is personal when there are victims? The perpetrator may BE the victim, but their actions go against the state, and as we know, the state is the highest moral torchbearer of our society.
I will prioritize this holy cause – sports, health, safety and societal functionality are luxuries we can’t afford right now. Rest assured, I will stop at nothing. We will never quit, until the great scourge of underage drinking is purged from our streets, now and forever!
Because through the heart of evil pumps not blood, but bourbon straight. And the devil’s elixir will have no place in Wallace Loh’s College Park!
Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010. Fake Wallace Loh, his unofficial alter-ego, began tweeting on March 31st, 2011 (@fakewallaceloh), and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.