East Coast Earthquake Causes UMD to Temporarily Drop Daycon

The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought.  It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes.

“I always knew it would take an act of God,” said Mary Yanik, head of UMD Drop Daycon, a group that has supported cutting the school’s contract with this D.C. based company since last year.

“This is awful. A major embarrassment,” Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley said Wednesday.

Indeed, school officials were equally mortified.

“We could not be more sorry,” said University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, before announcing that he was forwarding a $140 million preemptive settlement as a “gesture of our sincerest apologies.”

The temporary drop led Daycon to resort to several emergency money-saving tactics, such as bounding, gagging, and torturing the children of a number of their employees.

Meanwhile, the school continues to grapple with other damage from the quake, which left several buildings in ruins with as many as 300 students trapped inside with no food or water.  The school is struggling to gather the necessary relief funds.

“We’re taking these issues one at a time,” said Loh, filling out Daycon’s compensatory check. “The last thing we want is to fail to meet our obligations.  We’ll help those kids as soon as we can.”

Peter Pan contributed to this report.

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