Category Archives: “News”

British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again.

Source: FiveThirtyEight

ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees and shot an elderly woman in the calf instead.

Results in the UK’s snap election of June 8th have confirmed a hung parliament, raising prospects yet again of a coalition government in London, although pollsters had predicted conservatives to maintain their majority.  It was yet another major failure by British polling organizations.

ComRes Editor-in-Chief Milford Blatley attempted to put a shotgun to his throat, but appeared to have miscalculated the electrons being sent to his biceps, and instead blasted a raven’s nest in Birmingham.

After failing to predict a conservative landslide in 2015, a “Leave” vote in the 2016 “Brexit” referendum, and Donald Trump’s US presidential victory the following November, British pollsters have failed once again.  The shame was overwhelming.

Kantar’s board of editors attempted to put cyanide gas in their ventilation system, but a misreading of their maps led them to poison a nearby kindergarten instead.

YouGov Pollster Colby Donehue attempting to fire at his own chest.

Pollsters are now predicting Jeremy Corbyn to be named British Prime Minister with 112% certainty.

Nate Silver did not contribute to this report.  He cannot be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

 

 

Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders.

Black Lives Matter Protesters outside the Embassy of Montenegro Friday

However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Lives Matter protesters outside the nation’s embassy in Washington this weekend.

“Negro is a terrible word, and it should be illegal!” screamed Betsy Adams, a senior gender studies major at Howard University.  “How dare the Ancient Romans not take the plight of contemporary African-Americans into consideration!”

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“Red Pill” Curator Robert Fisher Hailed For Republican Authenticity

CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has been hailed as a beacon of authenticity in an era of two-faced politicians.

New Hampshire State Representative Robert Fisher (R)

“Thank the Lord for Reddit!” shouted Reverend Milton Sheffield, a Concord Preacher, to a screaming crowd that gathered on Sunday to support Mr. Fisher.

Mr. Fisher was recently outed by The Daily Beast as the founder of social media site Reddit’s “The Red Pill” forum, where he has been linked to a user account suggesting women were intellectually inferior to men, only useful for sex, that feminists all have “rape fantasies,” and more.

The accurate correlation of his private views to the Republican Party platform reassured constituents across the political spectrum, who praised Fisher’s uncommon honesty and conviction.

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President Trump Farts On Live TV To Distract Press From Deepening Scandals

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.

Trump farting last night.

Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.

“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”

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Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jessica Ringwatt knows everything.

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.

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The Thirsty Turtle Times Returns

The Thirsty Turtle Times will return, this year of our lord 2017.

In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began publishing what it called “fake news.”  With the graduation of all of its staff from the University of Maryland, the publication stopped printing.

When it ran, the Thirsty Turtle Times used fake news for arguably good causes; at the very least, for entertaining phenomenons.

With the global rise of fake news in truly horrifying fashion this past year, the Thirsty Turtle Times’ staff reconvened, and decided, after much deliberation, to get hammered drunk.

And whilst hammered drunk, we wrote this post.

And decided, we’re coming back.

#TakeBackFakeNews

Thank you for reading. Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes.

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

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University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

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Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign.

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Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).

Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:

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