Author Archives: William Wallace

Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here.

Last year, the state government of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.

The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.

Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.

The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face?  Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?

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Remember Turtle

Go hard tonight, but save a minute of silence for the Thirsty Turtle, our wonderful namesake which closed down one year ago today.

The Thirsty Turtle opened in November 2007, replacing many businesses that had shuttered there in the past. Owing to an unusually large retail space in the notoriously poor business environment of College Park, businesses struggled to survive at the location in the past. Turtle was different.

They innovated. And they lived.

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Introducing Frank Mayo

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo.

When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes and sizes.” Frank is an old timer, despite his actual youth. His experiences in life render him the perfect candidate for the job I gave him, which will mostly be reviewing movies.  Frank graduated from Syrit College in 2005.

Frank is dedicated. He is ruthless. He is insane. He has no self-respect whatsoever.  Frank doesn’t have time to respect himself, because he’s too busy disrespecting every institution we hold dear.  Whether it’s the next movie from Friedberg and Seltzer, or his own sex life, there is no truth Frank is afraid to publically dismantle.

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Our New Logo is Fucking Awesome

Look at this logo:

We Keep it Realer than Reality

It’s fucking spectacular. And since we haven’t made a penny off this site yet, and since the real Thirsty Turtle is defunct, no one can sue us. We win for eternity.

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