Author Archives: thirstyturtletimes

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).

Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:

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UMD Ravens Fans Can’t Decide Between Successful Futures, Violent Rioting

COLLEGE PARK – Sunday night was a night torn for many University of Maryland Ravens fans. They were conflicted, simply unable to decide between inducing mayhem to celebrate their team’s Super Bowl victory, or having a clean record and a chance for a successful future.

Ravens undecided“Hardest decision of my life!” vented Ravens fanatic Zach Bolstine, a UMD senior finance major. “I mean, I just got a job with Capital One Bank starting in July, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I don’t put a trash can through their window right now.”

The Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers in a thrilling 34-31 Super Bowl on Sunday. The University of Maryland’s large Ravens fanbase celebrated rather peacefully on Sunday, avoiding destruction and chaos. Students this year were unable, or unwilling, to block Route One for more than a couple traffic lights, and for some, it was a burden too great to bear.

“Just terrible” ranted Bolstine. “Where’s the blood? Where’s the beatdown on CNN?”

Students struggled with their conflicting feelings, weighing immeasurable chaos against their hopes and dreams.  Some envied the disorder of the riots of March 4th, 2010, when Maryland men’s basketball upset then 4th-ranked Duke.

“Everyone was a fan of the basketball team,” said Bolstine. “most of UMD isn’t Ravens fans, so the responsibility for anarchy falls on fewer of us.”

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Students also remember two years ago, when US Navy Seals took out Osama Bin Laden on May 1st, 2011. The ensuing celebration in College Park was considered very orderly, as there was only one arrest and students largely complied with police shepherding.

“At least we harmed society though,” said Bemma Maha, a recent UMD graduate who watched the Super Bowl with his fellow Ravens fans at Cornerstone Grill and Loft, of the Bin Laden death celebrations. “We blocked Route One for hours, think about how much economic activity that disrupted!”

Maha recently was hired for his dream job as a fashion promoter in New York City, but said he was hoping to get arrested assaulting a police officer on Route One.

“I won’t do it if it won’t ignite greater bedlam” he spat bitterly, after observation the sparse, peaceful crowd. There were no disturbances, no violence, and no arrests.

Ravens fans became increasingly conflicted upon hearing word that students at Towson University in Towson, Maryland were rioting without restraint.

“It’s not fair,” complained Bolstine. “Those kids from Towson never had futures to lose in the first place.”

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Psychotic Ray Lewis contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge.

Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he noticed a surprise.

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night.

“They didn’t charge me for my side of mashed potatoes!” she explained the following morning from what remained of her apartment. In fact, the dining hall’s cash registers encountered a glitch, and nullified every mashed potato purchase for about a minute.

What followed next was totally called for, as students from inside and out flooded the open space beyond the registers, screaming and celebrating. Security had anticipated the rush, and escorted the cashiers through the crowd to the kitchens, with students reaching over to pat their backs enthusiastically.

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Maryland Moving to the AFC North

COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.

UMD is moving to the AFC North

UMD is moving to the AFC North

The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”

The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”

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DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!!

NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc

Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney Victory

BOSTON/CHICAGO – It was a night to remember for Mitt Romney/Barack Obama, whose second bid for the presidency proved successful at last. After a long, bitter, and expensive campaign, Romney/Obama and his supporters finally had a night to celebrate.

“Tonight, we mark true change/take a great step forward for America!” boasted Romney/Obama in his victory speech. “Tonight, we turn to America’s better future, with an eye on compromise, and hearts on our common purpose!”

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Bentley’s Finally Stops Smelling After Bouncer’s Arrest

Prince George’s County Police Arriving to Arrest Marcus Plummer.

COLLEGE PARK: Many thought it was all over last year, when a hippopotamus was removed from the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station in College Park. The horrible stenches the established bar was known for never ceased, and the mystery continued.

Until now.

Last month, Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer, 28, was arrested and charged with first and second degree assault and reckless endangerment for beating a patron outside the establishment. The rowdy, drunk customer attempted to reenter the bar after being escorted out, shouting, “I NEED TO SING THIS LINE HEYYYY MAMA ROCK ME.”

Plummer stopped him with punishing force, and hasn’t been to Bentley’s since. And a new dawn has come to the old saloon.

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China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China, differentiated as Mainland China or simply China, which drew the most attention. The autocratic emerging superpower visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

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UMPD Does Something Right

COLLEGE PARK – The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

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University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.

Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.

The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.

“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department, speaking from his brand new Audi R8 GT Spyder.

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Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus.

The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity sports next year in what Athletic Director Kevin Anderson has called “oh f***, I’m not getting a raise any time soon.”

Loh’s Future Mansion (architect’s conception)

Nonetheless, President Loh and the Board of Regents have insisted on the necessity of the mansion.

“My salary is X, my expenses are Y, as long as my mansion is built I do not care where the difference comes from. That is my entire involvement,” he was heard to say before the protests, while Mrs. Loh was watching the 2008 film Taken very loudly in the next room.

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