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BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin.
“It’s our German heritage!” screamed Kurtholm Frederschmidt, a window sealer from Blankenberg. “This is our German identity. The statue has nothing to do with racism or anti-semitism!”
The Berlin City Council decided to remove the statue after a long and contentious debate, releasing a statement saying it was “time for Germany to move on and heal.”
“I kind of thought we should have actually debated putting it up,” said City Councilwoman Anna Müller.
The statue was erected in 1939 in Nazi Germany, and was only quietly grumbled about by young Germans who didn’t want to offend the nation’s Nazi heritage and the brave soldiers who fought for a global fascistic Jew-free Nazi world conquest.
“I know it’s tough to hear, but I really wonder if Hitler should still be honored in Berlin,” Müller added gravely.
Protest organizers considered the statue removal a stain on German pride.
“We need to recognize the people that helped us foment our identity,” said Tavin Bregolle, the organizer of the protest.
Asked about Hitler’s starting of World War II, his fascist conquest of Europe, and the murder of 11 million Jews, gypsies, Eastern Europeans, homosexuals and other groups in the Holocaust, Bregolle responded, “That is exactly why we must keep the statue. Are we going to censor history now? This is un-German.”
Many Germans fear that the removal of the statue is a form of speech suppression, even though Nazi symbolism has been illegal in Germany since 1945.
“Take down that statue, and everyone will forget about Hitler tomorrow, guaranteed,” insisted Bregolle.
The City Council insists that Nazi Germany is being “scrubbed from scrapbooks, not history books.” But protestors disagree.
“Who’s next, Jesus on the cross?” asked Frederschmidt.
Sean Hannity contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again.
ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees and shot an elderly woman in the calf instead.
Results in the UK’s snap election of June 8th have confirmed a hung parliament, raising prospects yet again of a coalition government in London, although pollsters had predicted conservatives to maintain their majority. It was yet another major failure by British polling organizations.
ComRes Editor-in-Chief Milford Blatley attempted to put a shotgun to his throat, but appeared to have miscalculated the electrons being sent to his biceps, and instead blasted a raven’s nest in Birmingham.
After failing to predict a conservative landslide in 2015, a “Leave” vote in the 2016 “Brexit” referendum, and Donald Trump’s US presidential victory the following November, British pollsters have failed once again. The shame was overwhelming.
Kantar’s board of editors attempted to put cyanide gas in their ventilation system, but a misreading of their maps led them to poison a nearby kindergarten instead.
Pollsters are now predicting Jeremy Corbyn to be named British Prime Minister with 112% certainty.
Nate Silver did not contribute to this report. He cannot be reached at email@example.com
WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders.
However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Lives Matter protesters outside the nation’s embassy in Washington this weekend.
“Negro is a terrible word, and it should be illegal!” screamed Betsy Adams, a senior gender studies major at Howard University. “How dare the Ancient Romans not take the plight of contemporary African-Americans into consideration!”
WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president.
“He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and to us.”
A small number of the mostly white, working-class, male supporters came out to Washington to counter-protest against left-wing protesters on Pennsylvania Avenue this weekend. And they were very upset.
“They keep screaming and hollering at us!” said Cliff Moyer, a bricklayer from a rural Virginia county, looking highly disgruntled, as the dueling marches chanted at each other. “I’m sick of it! Damn snowflakes!” he added.
“Yeah!” echoed his friend, Brian DeSantis, a fireman in the same county. “It’s… it’s only driving the Trump Train faster!” he insisted.
Left-wing protesters chanted loudly. “Donald Trump, shame on you, refugees are people too!”
“They get offended so easily!” raved Mr. Moyer.
“Hey Hey! Ho! Ho! That racist has got to go!”
“HE’S NOT RACIST!” screamed Mr. Moyer. “They’re so intolerant!”
Some suggest a good deal of Trump’s base support is driven by antagonized social conservatives who feel silenced by progressive activists. Eager to curtail ‘hate-speech,’ the left-wing is, according to Trump’s supporters, employing “hate-marching.”
“There’s peaceful demonstration, which we all have a right to, and then there’s ‘hate-marching,’ which they are doing. It should be illegal!” stammered Mr. DeSantis.
“No cops, no KKK, no fascist USA!” the protesters chanted, outnumbering the small, agitated group of Trump supporters.
“No!” screamed Mr. Moyer. “It’s not FAIR! They’re NOT FAIR to my Trumpy! SNOWFLAKES!”
“They’d better stop this hate-marching. So help me God,” said Mr. DeSantis, shaking with rage, tearing up. The protesters continued chanting, the sounds reverberating off the buildings and echoing throughout the city.
“Impeachment is coming soon, Putin, Trump, get a room!”
“THAT’S IT!” Mr. DeSantis then screamed, before running over to the nearby Gonzaga College High School and demanding he be allowed to cast a ballot for Trump.
“Rigged!” he screamed, running out in tears, when he was denied by the school secretary, Mrs. Peggy Rourdman, as there was no election in which to vote.
“What a snowflake,” she added.
Greg “Snowflake” Gianforte contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has been hailed as a beacon of authenticity in an era of two-faced politicians.
“Thank the Lord for Reddit!” shouted Reverend Milton Sheffield, a Concord Preacher, to a screaming crowd that gathered on Sunday to support Mr. Fisher.
Mr. Fisher was recently outed by The Daily Beast as the founder of social media site Reddit’s “The Red Pill” forum, where he has been linked to a user account suggesting women were intellectually inferior to men, only useful for sex, that feminists all have “rape fantasies,” and more.
The accurate correlation of his private views to the Republican Party platform reassured constituents across the political spectrum, who praised Fisher’s uncommon honesty and conviction.
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.
Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.
“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”
COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
That means everything. Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.
COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library. The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.
“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.