Author Archives: thirstyturtletimes

Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders.

Black Lives Matter Protesters outside the Embassy of Montenegro Friday

However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Live Matter protesters outside the nation’s embassy in Washington this weekend.

“Negro is a terrible word, and it should be illegal!” screamed Betsy Adams, a senior gender studies major at Howard University.  “How dare the Ancient Romans not take the plight of contemporary African-Americans into consideration!”

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Trump Supporters Sick of Being Insulted By Mean Liberal Snowflakes

WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president.

Trump supporters are sick of being “hated” by liberal snowflakes.

“He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and to us.”

A small number of the mostly white, working-class, male supporters came out to Washington to counter-protest against left-wing protesters on Pennsylvania Avenue this weekend. And they were very upset.

“They keep screaming and hollering at us!” said Cliff Moyer, a bricklayer from a rural Virginia county, looking highly disgruntled, as the dueling marches chanted at each other. “I’m sick of it! Damn snowflakes!” he added.

“Yeah!” echoed his friend, Brian DeSantis, a fireman in the same county. “It’s… it’s only driving the Trump Train faster!” he insisted.

Left-wing protesters this weekend.

Left-wing protesters chanted loudly. “Donald Trump, shame on you, refugees are people too!”

“They get offended so easily!” raved Mr. Moyer.

“Hey Hey! Ho! Ho! That racist has got to go!”

“HE’S NOT RACIST!” screamed Mr. Moyer. “They’re so intolerant!”

Some suggest a good deal of Trump’s base support is driven by antagonized social conservatives who feel silenced by progressive activists. Eager to curtail ‘hate-speech,’ the left-wing is, according to Trump’s supporters, employing “hate-marching.”

“There’s peaceful demonstration, which we all have a right to, and then there’s ‘hate-marching,’ which they are doing. It should be illegal!” stammered Mr. DeSantis.

“No cops, no KKK, no fascist USA!” the protesters chanted, outnumbering the small, agitated group of Trump supporters.

“No!” screamed Mr. Moyer. “It’s not FAIR! They’re NOT FAIR to my Trumpy! SNOWFLAKES!”

“They’d better stop this hate-marching. So help me God,” said Mr. DeSantis, shaking with rage, tearing up. The protesters continued chanting, the sounds reverberating off the buildings and echoing throughout the city.

“Impeachment is coming soon, Putin, Trump, get a room!”

“THAT’S IT!” Mr. DeSantis then screamed, before running over to the nearby Gonzaga College High School and demanding he be allowed to cast a ballot for Trump.

Property of the Sun

Trump supporters are sick of having their feelings hurt.

“Rigged!” he screamed, running out in tears, when he was denied by the school secretary, Mrs. Peggy Rourdman, as there was no election in which to vote.

“What a snowflake,” she added.

Greg “Snowflake” Gianforte contributed to this report.  He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes

“Red Pill” Curator Robert Fisher Hailed For Republican Authenticity

CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has been hailed as a beacon of authenticity in an era of two-faced politicians.

New Hampshire State Representative Robert Fisher (R)

“Thank the Lord for Reddit!” shouted Reverend Milton Sheffield, a Concord Preacher, to a screaming crowd that gathered on Sunday to support Mr. Fisher.

Mr. Fisher was recently outed by The Daily Beast as the founder of social media site Reddit’s “The Red Pill” forum, where he has been linked to a user account suggesting women were intellectually inferior to men, only useful for sex, that feminists all have “rape fantasies,” and more.

The accurate correlation of his private views to the Republican Party platform reassured constituents across the political spectrum, who praised Fisher’s uncommon honesty and conviction.

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President Trump Farts On Live TV To Distract Press From Deepening Scandals

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.

Trump farting last night.

Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.

“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”

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Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jessica Ringwatt knows everything.

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.

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The Thirsty Turtle Times Returns

The Thirsty Turtle Times will return, this year of our lord 2017.

In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began publishing what it called “fake news.”  With the graduation of all of its staff from the University of Maryland, the publication stopped printing.

When it ran, the Thirsty Turtle Times used fake news for arguably good causes; at the very least, for entertaining phenomenons.

With the global rise of fake news in truly horrifying fashion this past year, the Thirsty Turtle Times’ staff reconvened, and decided, after much deliberation, to get hammered drunk.

And whilst hammered drunk, we wrote this post.

And decided, we’re coming back.

#TakeBackFakeNews

Thank you for reading. Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes.

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

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Rebecca Martinson for SGA President

Write in "Rebecca Martinson" for SGA President, now through April 24th at testudo.umd.edu

Write in “Rebecca Martinson” for SGA President, now through April 24th at www.testudo.umd.edu.

Editor’s note: start here.

If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, the SGA has been FUCKING UP in terms of FUCKING EVERYTHING.  And the only person LITERALLY capable of punting them into line is the smart, talented, electric and uncompromising Rebecca Martinson.

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University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

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Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign.

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