Tag Archives: Wallace Loh

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).

Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read the official NRA response to University of Maryland President Wallace Loh’s propagandic column in last Wednesday’s Diamondback.

Dr. Loh should really be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals.  In fact he should probably resign and self-deport.  The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

Dr. Loh should be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals. In fact he should probably resign and self-deport. The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

What happened last week was a terrible tragedy: perhaps suffering from some kind of mental illness, a deranged person, using the mightiest weapon he possessed, tore apart our glorious Constitution. This person also happens to be President of the University of Maryland. Shame on the Diamondback for permitting such offensive bile, and Dr. Loh, shame on you for writing it! And this all comes after an earlier tragedy of a murder-suicide the week before. As if a community torn asunder by violence needs the further strife of you proposing solutions to prevent such a reoccurrence – so soon.

But Dr. Loh, the madness stops here. All of this clamoring to oppress our second amendment rights must stop.

The new assaults on our freedom proposed by Governor Martin O’Malley, which you support, are laughable. Examining the recent tragedy in College Park, some say the fact this killer was diagnosed with a mental illness means he should have been subjected to a background check, and subsequently should not have legally been allowed to purchase a gun. But, Dr. Loh, answer this: why should our constitutional rights suffer for society’s inadequacies?

Regarding shooter Dayvon Maurice Green, where were the mental health services? We, the pro-gun lobby/only objective observers say Maryland’s mental health facilities are to blame. This man had a mental illness, and no one bothered to cure it. It’s almost as if your school’s mental health program isn’t already run by the top students in the country.

No, Dr. Loh, guns are not the problem! They are the solution. Violence is a terrible problem in College Park.  Just last week, students responded to a sporting victory with a terrible riot. An entire light pole was downed. Imagine how much safer that riot could have been if every single student was legally armed that night.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during the post Duke-upset riots.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during last week’s post Duke-upset riots.

Seniors and juniors at the University of Maryland may well remember the incident that led to the closing of this publication’s namesake, the Thirsty Turtle bar, in November 2010. Three men were stabbed by a fourth, after the continuation of an altercation that had begun in the bar.  Wallace Loh, just a few days into your term, violence plagued your city.  Perhaps your war on guns wasn’t such a good idea.

Now, if those three victims had guns, they wouldn’t have been stabbed, plain and simple. And perhaps, if the perpetrator had been armed, the three victims wouldn’t have originally attempted to gang up on him in the first place. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make sense. It’s a mess, plainly one only guns could have cleaned up, but Dr. Loh, you just seem to have it out for our rights!

Why, Dr. Loh, are firearms singled out when knives are clearly a more common weapon? In the wake of this incident, why weren’t people talking about banning knives? And don’t say it’s because nobody died – that argument has been done to death. Violence is bad no matter what and the only way to stop it is with more guns.

A much more realistic solution to the violence in College Park nightlife is to arm the bouncers. R.J. Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer wouldn’t have had to assault an air force veteran and ruin his own career if he was armed from the start. Surely, the impossibly drunk victim would have cowered and walked away after being ejected from the bar by an armed Plummer. Wallace Loh, with a doctorate in psychology, the expert on alcohol consumption, even you could acknowledge this.

Armed bouncers, however, are not enough. The campus must be secured.

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

We need armed guards outside every building in College Park. And to those nay-sayers who say we don’t have the manpower, what about Maryland’s 6.6% unemployment rate? There are loads of people doing absolutely nothing in Hyattsville. Let’s give them guns and station them throughout College Park on Saturday nights. That’ll keep us safe.

But in the end, nothing is perfect. Demons will always slip through the cracks, and tragedy will return to College Park. Now and then, innocents will die; it’s the cost of freedom. As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” It doesn’t matter if he was referring to something completely different. It suits our argument to use his quote out of context; just like it suits gun owners to use their assault rifles out of context when they use them to go hunting. Checkmate.

The point is, Dr. Loh, do not let the occasional misfortune drag you into irrational behavior. Death is tragic, but there is greater tragedy: Spending a half-hour studying the Second Amendment and the proposed laws to realize our rights aren’t actually being infringed. AUX ARMES!

The National Rifle Association is the primary lobby of the firearms industry in the United States. They can be reached in the seventh layer of Hell, or at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Maryland Moving to the AFC North

COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.

UMD is moving to the AFC North

UMD is moving to the AFC North

The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”

The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”

“That was all I had to hear,” said Loh, who says he then hung up and immediately called back Goodell, ecstatic to provide his relatively new basketball coach, Mark Turgeon, with as winnable an environment as possible.

After learning of the imminent move, Turgeon reportedly called Loh on an hourly basis for four straight days, but Loh ignored the calls.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

“We didn’t want to give the game away too quick,” said Loh. “Confrontation can be awkward. Just look at the fans!”

Indeed, upon hearing that the Terps would join the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC North, College Park reacted as it normally does, with a huge and unnecessary fire. Students gathered on the Chapel Fields to burn either their Terrapin or Ravens gear, choosing sides between teams many of them long adored side-by-side.

“Torrey Smith is so good,” said Dash Braha of the former Terp and current Raven, as he tossed his Maryland hats and shirts into the blaze. “With Joe Flacco throwing to him, that second half Terp defense will be shredded! I know Flacco can compete with any quarterback in the league!”

“FLACCO SUCKS!” ranted Michael Ervin, an avid Terps fan, as he burned his Ravens gear in earnest. “He’ll NEVER win ANYTHING!”

When asked of Smith, Ervin shrugged, muttered, “Classy guy,” and walked home.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Randy Edsall’s only comment on Maryland’s big move was how it would benefit the teams bereft quarterback situation. Maryland lost four quarterbacks to season ending injuries this year, and Devin Burns has recently announced a transfer.

“It is our conclusion that only a man of holy stature can crack this apparent curse we have today,” Edsall stated. Anderson quickly translated the Edsallian.

“He intends to trade for Tim Tebow,” said Anderson. “Another financial benefit of UMD’s relocation.”

“Overall this will benefit Maryland in the long run,” said Loh, tagging an NFL lapel pin to his coat. “Hopefully we’ll ascend to the upper echelons of NFL commiss- I mean polit- I mean, rankings.” Loh paused. “Whatever. At least we’re not in the Big East,” he said, as he and Anderson walked off, laughing and high fiving.

Randy Marsh contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China (known simply as China), which drew the most attention. The reclusive, autocratic state visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

China revoked Loh’s citizenship (which expired 30 years ago) and declared that he no longer exists.  China also terminated their partnerships established with College Park on Loh’s trip to China with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley last year, which turned out to be a prisoner exchange program.

“Fuck Wallace Loh!” – Yang Jiechi

Seven students charged with underage drinking in College Park are already on their way home from Pingyao Prison in China, while the University of Maryland is returning several dissidents to China who were accused of smiling too much and reading the Thirsty Turtle Times.

China also rebuked The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, for suggesting Loh’s trips to Taiwan and China were “similar,” in an article last week.

“China is happy and glorious. Taiwan is the cradle of evil,” Jiechi explained to a Diamondback reporter over the phone. “It would be like someone comparing your University of Maryland to UMUC.”

Loh could not be reached for comment, although Taiwan has currently blocked all communications as part of a “routine-being-bombed-by-China-exercise.”

It appears only one major figure was pleased with Loh’s visit to Taiwan.

“Me so excited!” said Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in broken English. “Dad telled me about days like this! We able to use agents for kidnap for make glorious University of Pyongyang! No more student have one smuggled beer in 1976!”

Loh returns Monday, hopefully.

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████████ ████ contributed to this report. He or she can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.

Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.

The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.

“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department.

The students at Maryland-in-Damascus will have a significantly discounted program payment of just $1,200 for the entire semester, room and board included. The Syrian government will pick up the rest of the expenses.

“This kind of discount is unprecedented” said Ulrich. “All the students have to do is a little service for the government. How bad can it be?”

UMD President Loh and Syrian President Assad announcing the program in this clearly unaltered photo.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad was able to make a brief comment, and though pleased, he seemed a bit harried.

“Just send your students quickly. Cleanse them of moral conviction and independent thought, I need replacements now!”

When asked what he needed replacements for, Assad launched a long explanation of how his students were ‘defecting’ to neighboring Lebanon and Turkey for “fresher hummus.”

“Rats. But what can you do? Just make sure the students are wearing green,” he said quickly, before abruptly hanging up.

“Oh that Bashar,” chuckled Ulrich, counting a wad of cash. “He’s a devious one!”

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, speaking from his McKeldin-rooftop Jacuzzi, said only, “I would encourage every student to go on this pogrom, I mean, program,” before smiling as he sank below the bubbles.

Classes start Monday.

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Mohamed Bouazizi contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story.

In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.

UMPD Captain Marc Limansky's imagination (visual approximation)

Last week, a Limansky, having received his information from “outstandingly trustworthy sources,” warned the University of Maryland community of an impending tornado via UMD Alerts, the campus’s emergency notification system.  Despite repetitive texts and emails that warned of the tornado’s arrival in 13, 10, and 4 minutes, no tornado touched down – Except in Limansky’s imagination, where the damage was simply inhuman.

“As we all know, this is a very sensitive region,” said UMPD Chief of Police David Mitchell. “It is no iron palace. Things break down easily up there. The capacity for minor issues to grow into terrible problems is enormous. A tornado was the last thing that place needed – the damage is irreparably catastrophic.”

Initial damage estimates were high. Mitchell yesterday requested additional funds from University President Loh to cope with the destruction. Though President Loh approved, Limansky flat-out denied the aid, insisting that the money was essential to the fight against rampant underage drinking.

“I really like having rational thought proceses,” Limansky said. “But devoting only 99% of our department’s resources to oppress underage drinking is unacceptable.”

Chief Mitchell agreed.

“The force needs these funds” he said. “With all the destruction these parties and tornadoes cause, we can only assume that one day, they’ll damage actual society.”

_

Glenn Beck contributed to this report.

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UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.

Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh.  Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.

Chief Mitchell and the UMPD mean business.

“We simply weren’t content with ruining these kids’ futures,” University Police spokesman Captain Marc Limansky said. “We wanted to prevent them from happening in the first place.”

Mitchell was looking forward to the many benefits of the measure.

“Think of how much money we waste questioning, assaulting, arresting, and charging these kids. The courts and jails are packed.  Now it’s just ‘wam, bam, see ya ma’am.  We’re gonna save thousands!” he boasted.

When asked if he thought the measure was too strict, Limansky responded “It’s simple. If kids don’t want to get punished, they shouldn’t commit the crime. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. I wasn’t born yesterday. Other cheesy cop line. Error.”

College Park residents were highly enthusiastic about the new measure.

“I want these kids to either stop having fun, or I want their faces in the mud,” said one local at Town Hall Bar. “Drinking is unnaccept-“ at which point he was cut off by his own vomiting.

Several prominent observers from The Diamondback, and even the Washington Post and Baltimore Sun have questioned whether increased enforcement by allowing UMPD to shoot anyone they suspect is drinking underage will actually work, given the school’s increasingly intense crackdown on underage drinking and, coincidence or not, a corresponding increase in the overall level of underage drinking in College Park, according to surveys.

“The facts are wrong,” said Limansky. “More enforcement is always the answer, and anyone who disagrees with that shouldn’t be allowed to voice their opinion.  These kids may not understand why we’re shooting and killing them, but some day they’re going to thank us for taking this hard line with them.”

Mitchell was excited to begin enforcing the policy.  He was adamant that his department was simply enthusiastic about doing their jobs.

“Our jobs are important to us,” he said. “At the end of the day, this is all about public safety.”

Buzz Killington contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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East Coast Earthquake Causes UMD to Temporarily Drop Daycon

The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought.  It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes.

“I always knew it would take an act of God,” said Mary Yanik, head of UMD Drop Daycon, a group that has supported cutting the school’s contract with this D.C. based company since last year.

“This is awful. A major embarrassment,” Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley said Wednesday.

Indeed, school officials were equally mortified.

“We could not be more sorry,” said University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, before announcing that he was forwarding a $140 million preemptive settlement as a “gesture of our sincerest apologies.”

The temporary drop led Daycon to resort to several emergency money-saving tactics, such as bounding, gagging, and torturing the children of a number of their employees.

Meanwhile, the school continues to grapple with other damage from the quake, which left several buildings in ruins with as many as 300 students trapped inside with no food or water.  The school is struggling to gather the necessary relief funds.

“We’re taking these issues one at a time,” said Loh, filling out Daycon’s compensatory check. “The last thing we want is to fail to meet our obligations.  We’ll help those kids as soon as we can.”

Peter Pan contributed to this report.

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Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Loh: "We're going to punch Barack Obama in the face together!"

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.

Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the ladder was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”

Loh declared his candidacy during the Republican Presidential Primary Debate in Iowa, aiming for the same flair Michelle Bachmann claimed when she announced her candidacy in the last debate.

However, Loh declared his candidacy on Twitter, not in the debate, something Rick Perry declared as “strategically sound,” but others described as “retarded.”

President Loh’s candidacy has been seriously questioned on many grounds, primarily that he was not born in the United States. Records state that he was born in January 1946 in Shanghai, China, then moved to Lima, Peru as an infant. He immigrated to the United States at the age of 16.

“He’s not born in America, and I can definitively say that without sounding batshit crazy,” former Fox News Commentator Glenn Beck said on his radio show yesterday.

Loh’s office has responded to assertions that he wasn’t born in the U.S. with various explanations from different staffers.

“He was born in Honolulu, check the birth notices in the December 8th, 1941 Honolulu Advertiser,” said one staffer, insisting that, assuming it was a usual news cycle, Loh’s name would be there.

“He was born in an American factory in Shanghai when his parents were on a business trip,” said another, insisting that Loh was therefore considered a legally naturalized citizen.

A third staffer responded to the accusations that Loh wasn’t born in the U.S. with “Neither was Barack Obama. But at least Dr. Loh isn’t potentially African or Muslim.”

One of the three explanations appeared to suffice, and Dr. Loh’s papers were filed by the Republican Party.

When Loh himself was pressed, his only answer was “What does it say about America if someone cannot achieve their dreams because of the way they are born?” Loh said he expected Congress to work out a Constitutional Amendment to change the law once and for all.

Loh’s stances on various issues are bound to draw support. He supports a full repeal of the Obama Administration’s signature healthcare law, also known as ‘Obamacare,’ and Loh has also stated that priority one of his foreign policy agenda will be to “gargle Israel’s sack.” Loh has ideas for the middle class, the EPA, and gay rights agenda, and plans to detail those in a forthcoming op-ed with The Thirsty Turtle Times.

As another man of humble origins chases the world’s highest throne, the world waits.

 

Johnny Tremain contributed to this report.

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#LOH: My Proposal for UMD – The Best Masturbation Reference you’ve ever Heard

by Fake Wallace Loh

HELLOH STUDENTS!

Dr. Loh has a plan.

I have a proposal for all of you, and I wish for you to hear me out.  Without further ado:

Masturbation is a curious, ongoing marvel of the human experience.  It is not exclusively a human creation, but it is also not quite in line with natural sexual activity.  That’s not to criticize it; rather, it’s to put in context. Viewing sex as an act of pleasure as opposed to an act of necessity, acknowledging it as such, and proceeding with it as such, is a phenomenon of mankind – and an increasingly acceptable part of our society.  And thus, we have a fascination with it. We have built our culture around it, dancing ever closer to its mysterious center.

With that in mind, it’s time to make some societal adjustments.  I have always felt, and I’m sure you do too, that we simply do not have enough masturbation references out there.  Not enough cheesy rhyming metaphors, like the “five-knuckle-shuffle.” Not enough smut and nonsense, like “visiting Rosie Palm and her five daughters.” Not enough family-friendly lore tainted by permanent sexual connotations, like names of planets that sound like inappropriate body parts.

Masturbation is all about self. You are under complete control of your own sexual fiefdom. Your sexual organs are your center. It’s personalization at its finest.

But “self” doesn’t have to mean one person. It could be a collective self – like, for example, the United States.  Sexual satisfaction of a collective self, like the United States, would be an orgy of Americanization.  It would probably be something similar to the celebrations following the killing of Bin Laden, or if chili cheese dogs were served at Walmart. … which they are. I’m moving back to China.

But what of the U of MD? We have a lot to be proud of.  We are one of the most prestigious public schools in the country – a public Ivy – and we’re still rising.  We have the greatest university president in U.S. history – me.  We are at or near the precipice on several frontiers –Engineering, Astrophysics, and Business, to name a few (we even named our engineering building after my hero, Kim Jong-Il. A nod the Triple T on that scoop).  We are a hotspot for political stop-offs.  Even if we’re faced with an off year, we still have one of the stronger athletic programs in the nation.  Indeed, we deserve to self-satisfy.

So my question to you is, what do we satisfy? What is our sexual organ?  What – or who – is Maryland’s collective center? Answering that, how does the University of Maryland personalize itself? What’s our signature? What’s the rub to our Maryland mascot?

Piece that together, and answer me this:

How does a Terrapin Masturbate?

#Loh

Think twice next time you "Rub Testudo's Nose"

Dr. Wallace D. Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011. He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

UMD Updates Official Title

The University of Maryland, College Park, as it was formerly known, broke new ground today by changing its officially recognized title.  After facing criticism for its inconcise and indecisive nature on its name and branding, Maryland’s flagship institution has retermed itself as “the University of Maryland, College Park, inside the Beltway but not in Washington, D.C., in between 193, Route One (for the most part (until East Campus is built)), and Knox Road, centered around a large mall with a pleasant fountain.”

“We’re very excited about this,” said an upbeat University President Wallace Loh, at the rebranding press conference this morning. “Now the students will have a very hard time coming up with obscene chants!”

The University has long faced criticism for its inability to market itself. Abbreviated, it is variously written out as UMD, UMDCP, UMCP, or just UM. The state and school have worked to keep confusion to a minimum, to little avail.  In 1997, the state asserted that only the College Park and Baltimore County campuses could go by University of Maryland. However, confusion persisted, as both schools frequently used their long forms.

“We knew there was no way we would exclude the Baltimore County campus from the University of Maryland brand name. They’re too important, which is why everyone always hears about them,” Loh elaborated.  “So instead, we decided to specify. We talked it over. We got the Maryland thing down, but we felt everyone needed to know it was inside the Beltway, because things are different there – but it’s NOT Washington. Route one skirts the entire East Coast, and we think it has a culture to it, so we included that. 193, Mowatt Lane and Knox may have been a bit much, but we figured we’d finish the job. And to distinguish it from the University College, we included the nice mall and pleasant fountain. It adds a nice touch.“

The school website is set to relocate to www.umdcpibnwdcib193r1seckrcalmpf.edu.  Loh went on a rambling explanation of the title:

“We knew we wouldn’t include little words like of, the, or, and ‘and.’ However, we included the n before wdc (Washington, D.C.) because the ‘not’ is very important there. We decided to include “DC” for specificity, as well as abbreviate “in between” as ib because, really, only saying ‘between’ sounds fucking stupid. Route one was tough – how do you abbreviate that? R-T-E-1? R-T-1? R-1? We chose the ladder because of what this project is going for – simplicity. And we turned the parenthetical sentence into SEC for ‘Sans East Campus.’ Simple!”

At the press conference, reporters scrambled to keep up with their notes. As an awkward, unsettled silence settled for a few seconds, Loh reassured everyone in the room.

“This is for all of you. The last thing we want is mass confusion.”

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) contributed to this report.

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