The Terrapin League: The Battle of McKeldin

Part I: Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice.  If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Last week (year), campus troubles became a national crisis! President Wallace Loh possesses a computer … Continue reading

Adventures of the Terrapin Boys: Rise of Dr. Loh

Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice. If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Starting here: Last month, we saw the government take action after a University of Iowa … Continue reading

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached … Continue reading

China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation. Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent. “What’s … Continue reading

University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week. The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more … Continue reading

Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story. In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving … Continue reading

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on … Continue reading

East Coast Earthquake Causes UMD to Temporarily Drop Daycon

The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought.  It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes. “I always knew it would take an act of God,” … Continue reading

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. … Continue reading