Tag Archives: Wallace D. Loh

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

“I was just reading my copy of The Engineering Magazine, when that guy in sunglasses and a muscle shirt came in and asked about his ‘30 Natural Light’ or something,” recounted Elmira Banks, one of McKeldin Library’s front desk staffers, seeming bewildered. “I told him no, we have electric lighting, and he got angry so I went to my boss.”

David Allen, the director of DOTS, was at the time filling in as staff manager for McKeldin. He heard the words natural light, and reportedly began screaming.

“HE WANTS TO RIP OPEN THE WALLS AND CEILING, IT’S A BOMB!” he was heard to shout over the radio to the University of Maryland Police Department’s officer stationed in the library at the time.

The officer listened raptly, and calmly reassured Mr. Allen.  “No no no,” he said. “Natural Light is beer. The students drink it at.. parties…”

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

He sputtered. “OH GOD I NEED BACKUP,” he roared into his radio. “GET EVERYONE DOWN HERE NOW!”

Within five minutes, every emergency vehicle in Prince George’s County was outside McKeldin Library.  Though the library was evacuated, no message was issued through UMD Alerts, leading to some student dissatisfaction.

“We had a moral obligation to prevent students from approaching unopened alcoholic beverages” said an officer on site. “Staying calm is not as important as staying sober.”

K-9 units (bomb-sniffing dogs), which had been in training for some few weeks before the incident, were on scene with the UMPD.  Unfortunately they had practiced hunting down beers so often, always finishing by chewing them open and consuming their contents, they were still inebriated, and were mostly useless.  Yet they didn’t prove necessary.

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

After the evacuation and four-hour search, the school had lost some $10,000 of misplaced or stolen equipment, an estimated $1,000 spent on emergency services, and students had forgone a night of studying for finals.

From their search of McKeldin Library the police uncovered and confiscated 797 Natural Light beers, 36 bottles of varying hard liquors, 25 different bags, containers, joints, blunts or spliffs of marijuana, four strippers, two bottles of absinthe, and an injection-ready horse tranquilizer.

The original unknown suspect is still at large, though students are advised to keep their eyes out for a “white male aged 18-22, who likes Natural Light beer.”

Later reached over the phone for comment, an unspecified officer at the UMPD station said “EEEEEEGHHHHEWAAAAHAAAAGHFHGOTERPSUFHGHFUGHFOHA.”

You deserve it, boys.

Thanks to those who keep us safe. To reach the losers who always make fun of them, email thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Rebecca Martinson for SGA President

Write in "Rebecca Martinson" for SGA President, now through April 24th at testudo.umd.edu

Write in “Rebecca Martinson” for SGA President, now through April 24th at www.testudo.umd.edu.

Editor’s note: start here.

If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, the SGA has been FUCKING UP in terms of FUCKING EVERYTHING.  And the only person LITERALLY capable of punting them into line is the smart, talented, electric and uncompromising Rebecca Martinson.

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: The Lohpression of Evil

Comrades,

Dr. Wallace D. Loh

I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.

Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.

But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.

They had taken our wonderful boy! Shocked his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!

But there’s hope.

Most glorious Army of the Republic, the officers of the University of Maryland Police Department, who will stop at nothing to eradicate this terrible scourge upon our happy home, have recently been authorized by me to slaughter the enemy with total impunity.

My fearless policemen bravely fired upon Thomas as he attempted to poison helpless Timmy. Thomas was killed, but poor Timmy was caught in the crossfire. He did not make it. We will make him a martyr of our glorious pursuit of cleansing our streets of this disgusting poison. And remember, the important thing is that we killed Thomas.

The precious, sweet, innocent children wander through the streets, lost and confused, hoodwinked and delirious. The fumes of hellfires roast their brains like hot sirloin. The demon spirits drown our young boys and girls in darkness and delirium.

Yes, those terrible, monstrous, horrific demon spirits! How dare they poison the innocent? They chant that it is the way – that they are entitled to their right to imbibe the swill of Satan. But what is personal when there are victims? The perpetrator may BE the victim, but their actions go against the state, and as we know, the state is the highest moral torchbearer of our society.

I will prioritize this holy cause – sports, health, safety and societal functionality are luxuries we can’t afford right now. Rest assured, I will stop at nothing. We will never quit, until the great scourge of underage drinking is purged from our streets, now and forever!

Because through the heart of evil pumps not blood, but bourbon straight. And the devil’s elixir will have no place in Wallace Loh’s College Park!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdvUR67nZs0&w=420&h=315]

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Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010. Fake Wallace Loh, his unofficial alter-ego, began tweeting on March 31st, 2011 (@fakewallaceloh), and can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent.

President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the ladder of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.”

He would soon be sidetracked.

Indeed, two days into the trip, Dr. Loh’s staff declared that after a frantic search, they could not find him. Governor O’Malley finished brushing his hair and filed a missing person report, but by then night had fallen and Beijing police were unable to locate Dr. Loh.

Dr. Loh appeared to resurface the next day when South Korea’s Yonhap News Agency rebroadcasted a portion of a Korea Central News Agency (North Korea’s state run news) segment. The broadcast showed a visibly ecstatic Dr. Loh presiding over a North Korean military parade with none other than North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

A North Korean Military Parade in Pyongyang (AP)

“We had a very warm conversation,” Dr. Loh said of Kim upon his return to Beijing. “Honestly I don’t know where this guy gets such a bad rap, he’s really a sweet guy.”

North Korea and Kim have recently resurfaced in the news as a result of a study sponsored by the North Korean government, which named China and North Korea as the first and second happiest countries in the world, respectively. The United States was ranked last.

“We didn’t talk about that,” said Loh of the study. “We traded pointers on leadership, but didn’t go into specifics of current politics. It’s a sensitive issue with him.”

Within a week of Loh’s departure, reports surfaced of Kim Jong-un, the dictator’s youngest son and presumed heir, leading police task forces to squash bootleg drinking at the University of Pyongyang and surrounding areas.

Loh would not elaborate on what was discussed with Kim. Shortly before Loh’s return to the United States last week, Pyongyang released another study, declaring the University of Maryland, College Park to be the happiest campus on Earth. The University of Pyongyang was ranked second, while Duke University was ranked last.

@fakewallaceloh contributed to this report.
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