Tag Archives: University of Maryland

Story of Bentley’s Hippo Unveiled

This past August, the College Park community was shocked to discover that a dead hippopotamus had been uncovered underneath the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Originally a mystery, The Thirsty Turtle Times has uncovered the true story through a variety of sources, public and private.

R.J. Bentley’s

In June of 1928, what is currently known as R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station was just a five-year-old gas station named College Park Auto Place.

Current Bentley’s owner John Brown reveals to us that then-owner Jonas Giller was furious with a zoology expedition at the University of Maryland. Out of an abundance of caution, local authorities had forbidden automobiles from entering town, robbing Giller of any business for the day.

As the expedition wound down, the hippopotamus keeper stopped at College Park Auto Place for gas. Giller then allegedly ordered his hourly staffer to open the hippo pen, intending to cause a diversion.

Both hippos escaped. While one vanished into the woods, the other went rampaging on Route One, killing dozens of students who had been drinking at the bowling alley up the street. Giller used the diversion to steal two pigs from a separate cart.

The story of the hippos faded quickly, as locals were much more enraged that students were drinking underage at the bowling alley.  The students who died were condemned; those who lived were expelled. The hourly worker who opened the hippo pen was hailed as a hero for helping to expose the corruption.

“If those students hadn’t been drinking, they wouldn’t have died. It’s their fault,” remarked University of Maryland Police spokesman Marc Limansky, who had no knowledge of a second hippo.

Since the first hippo was causing so much damage, it is believed that the second hippo, which was never found, wandered unnoticed into Bentley’s, whose remaining staff had gone to help at the bowling alley.  Likely pursuing the pigs that Giller had hid in the cellar, the hippo scaled shelves and somehow wedged itself into a two-foot crawl space to eat the pigs.

After that, it did not immediately die. Living under a busy autoshop during a time when regulating the environment was laughable, the hippo survived for a while on leaking gasoline and used motor oil, which slowly corroded its insides. Eventually the hippo developed a block in its intestines, making it impossible for the animal to have bowel movements. As the gasoline mixed with the pig remains, the beast swelled.

The hippo’s life was extended in a coma-like state until 1978, when R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station replaced College Park Auto Place.  Interestingly, the new owners chose not to inspect the cellar or floorboards, assuming all was well.

“I didn’t even know this place had a basement until last week,” remarked Brown.

Interior of R.J. Bentley’s after the floorboards were removed

Though there was no more gasoline for the hippo to survive on, soon excess amounts of beer were leaking through the floors, and miraculously, the alcohol cleared the hippo’s intestinal block.

And yet, the hippo was still stuck in its own feces. The mess combined with the heavy yeast in all the beer gave the hippo a rectal fungus infection, as well as terrible indigestion and flatulence.

Slowly the clientele shifted from alumni to students, increasing the vomit the hippo was eating. The bar also began to see a much more active nightlife – more dancing, more people, more sweating.

Sexual activity increased on the dance floor, and it appeared at one point the hippo was impregnated with a half-human-half-hippo baby from fresh semen that leaked through the floor. Officials say there’s evidence to suggest this may have happened more than once.

The hippo was believed to have died in the mid 1980s, and with its death, the anal fungus spread throughout the Bentley’s floorboard. Nothing was discovered until the summer of 2011, 83 years after the pigs were first stuffed into the basement.

The unearthed mess included the hippo full of everything it had ever consumed since 1928, including at least one dead pig, over a ton of ultra-refined semi-digested gasoline, several thousand gallons of beer, vomit, semen, a dead half-human half-hippo baby, all covered in several inches of sopping wet slimy mold, which clearly had an apex at the creature’s anus.

“I don’t believe that story,” said Chad Killian, a student and frequent attendant of Bentley’s. “It just smelled a whole lot worse than that.”

The smells have somewhat persisted, and the investigation continues.

Steve Irwin contributed to this report

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: The Lohpression of Evil

Comrades,

Dr. Wallace D. Loh

I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.

Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.

But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.

They had taken our wonderful boy! Shocked his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!

But there’s hope.

Most glorious Army of the Republic, the officers of the University of Maryland Police Department, who will stop at nothing to eradicate this terrible scourge upon our happy home, have recently been authorized by me to slaughter the enemy with total impunity.

My fearless policemen bravely fired upon Thomas as he attempted to poison helpless Timmy. Thomas was killed, but poor Timmy was caught in the crossfire. He did not make it. We will make him a martyr of our glorious pursuit of cleansing our streets of this disgusting poison. And remember, the important thing is that we killed Thomas.

The precious, sweet, innocent children wander through the streets, lost and confused, hoodwinked and delirious. The fumes of hellfires roast their brains like hot sirloin. The demon spirits drown our young boys and girls in darkness and delirium.

Yes, those terrible, monstrous, horrific demon spirits! How dare they poison the innocent? They chant that it is the way – that they are entitled to their right to imbibe the swill of Satan. But what is personal when there are victims? The perpetrator may BE the victim, but their actions go against the state, and as we know, the state is the highest moral torchbearer of our society.

I will prioritize this holy cause – sports, health, safety and societal functionality are luxuries we can’t afford right now. Rest assured, I will stop at nothing. We will never quit, until the great scourge of underage drinking is purged from our streets, now and forever!

Because through the heart of evil pumps not blood, but bourbon straight. And the devil’s elixir will have no place in Wallace Loh’s College Park!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdvUR67nZs0&w=420&h=315]

____________________________________________

Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010. Fake Wallace Loh, his unofficial alter-ego, began tweeting on March 31st, 2011 (@fakewallaceloh), and can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.

Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh.  Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.

Chief Mitchell and the UMPD mean business.

“We simply weren’t content with ruining these kids’ futures,” University Police spokesman Captain Marc Limansky said. “We wanted to prevent them from happening in the first place.”

Mitchell was looking forward to the many benefits of the measure.

“Think of how much money we waste questioning, assaulting, arresting, and charging these kids. The courts and jails are packed.  Now it’s just ‘wam, bam, see ya ma’am.  We’re gonna save thousands!” he boasted.

When asked if he thought the measure was too strict, Limansky responded “It’s simple. If kids don’t want to get punished, they shouldn’t commit the crime. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. I wasn’t born yesterday. Other cheesy cop line. Error.”

College Park residents were highly enthusiastic about the new measure.

“I want these kids to either stop having fun, or I want their faces in the mud,” said one local at Town Hall Bar. “Drinking is unnaccept-“ at which point he was cut off by his own vomiting.

Several prominent observers from The Diamondback, and even the Washington Post and Baltimore Sun have questioned whether increased enforcement by allowing UMPD to shoot anyone they suspect is drinking underage will actually work, given the school’s increasingly intense crackdown on underage drinking and, coincidence or not, a corresponding increase in the overall level of underage drinking in College Park, according to surveys.

“The facts are wrong,” said Limansky. “More enforcement is always the answer, and anyone who disagrees with that shouldn’t be allowed to voice their opinion.  These kids may not understand why we’re shooting and killing them, but some day they’re going to thank us for taking this hard line with them.”

Mitchell was excited to begin enforcing the policy.  He was adamant that his department was simply enthusiastic about doing their jobs.

“Our jobs are important to us,” he said. “At the end of the day, this is all about public safety.”

Buzz Killington contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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East Coast Earthquake Causes UMD to Temporarily Drop Daycon

The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought.  It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes.

“I always knew it would take an act of God,” said Mary Yanik, head of UMD Drop Daycon, a group that has supported cutting the school’s contract with this D.C. based company since last year.

“This is awful. A major embarrassment,” Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley said Wednesday.

Indeed, school officials were equally mortified.

“We could not be more sorry,” said University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, before announcing that he was forwarding a $140 million preemptive settlement as a “gesture of our sincerest apologies.”

The temporary drop led Daycon to resort to several emergency money-saving tactics, such as bounding, gagging, and torturing the children of a number of their employees.

Meanwhile, the school continues to grapple with other damage from the quake, which left several buildings in ruins with as many as 300 students trapped inside with no food or water.  The school is struggling to gather the necessary relief funds.

“We’re taking these issues one at a time,” said Loh, filling out Daycon’s compensatory check. “The last thing we want is to fail to meet our obligations.  We’ll help those kids as soon as we can.”

Peter Pan contributed to this report.

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

Wallace Loh 2012

Like the Thirsty Turtle Times itself, I will keep it realer than reality.  This campaign will be as genuine as it could possibly be without violating Federal Election law.  And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea where that line is.

My positions are certainly beyond reality:

  • I will absolutely repeal Obamacare – not because it’s unconstitutional or bad policy, but because together, we will work to screw over as many students as possible.
  • My foreign policy will be as simple as possible, because as we all know, complex questions have simple answers.  So I will smile at everybody, and of course, I will gargle Israel’s testicles.  World problems solved.  No questions.
  • The government needs to save money. So, I propose that we abolish several agencies – the Department of Commerce, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Consumer Protection Agency, for starters.  We will replace those agencies with Daycon services, which will take over all governmental responsibility pertaining to corporate integrity.  I’ll funnel them a $10 billion budget – far cheaper than all those soon-to-be-former agencies, but enough to make Daycon rich.  Why? Because I fucking hate those drop-Daycon assholes, and I hope you do too.
  • Judges will be allowed to have whatever opinions they want, as long as those opinions are the same as mine.
  • Speaking of judicial matters, I am a big supporter of the Lay and Gesbian community.  They deserve equality, but I’ll never get the Republican nomination if I support corrupting marriage.  So I propose we ban marriage entirely.  Nobody happy, everybody wins.
  • I would have supported raising the debt ceiling, because I’m not THAT batshit crazy.  However, I only really believe that so we can keep giving money to China. I am somewhat crazy.

I may be Fake Wallace Loh, but damnit, I keep it pretty fucking real.  This campaign is true. I may be your university president, but together, we are the University of Maryland.  And we’re taking our Terps straight to the White House.

#Loh2012

P.S. Keep your eyes pealed for an op-ed from most glorious Vice Presidential Candidate Lee!

Dr. Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011.  He is a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America.

He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Loh: "We're going to punch Barack Obama in the face together!"

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.

Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the ladder was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”

Loh declared his candidacy during the Republican Presidential Primary Debate in Iowa, aiming for the same flair Michelle Bachmann claimed when she announced her candidacy in the last debate.

However, Loh declared his candidacy on Twitter, not in the debate, something Rick Perry declared as “strategically sound,” but others described as “retarded.”

President Loh’s candidacy has been seriously questioned on many grounds, primarily that he was not born in the United States. Records state that he was born in January 1946 in Shanghai, China, then moved to Lima, Peru as an infant. He immigrated to the United States at the age of 16.

“He’s not born in America, and I can definitively say that without sounding batshit crazy,” former Fox News Commentator Glenn Beck said on his radio show yesterday.

Loh’s office has responded to assertions that he wasn’t born in the U.S. with various explanations from different staffers.

“He was born in Honolulu, check the birth notices in the December 8th, 1941 Honolulu Advertiser,” said one staffer, insisting that, assuming it was a usual news cycle, Loh’s name would be there.

“He was born in an American factory in Shanghai when his parents were on a business trip,” said another, insisting that Loh was therefore considered a legally naturalized citizen.

A third staffer responded to the accusations that Loh wasn’t born in the U.S. with “Neither was Barack Obama. But at least Dr. Loh isn’t potentially African or Muslim.”

One of the three explanations appeared to suffice, and Dr. Loh’s papers were filed by the Republican Party.

When Loh himself was pressed, his only answer was “What does it say about America if someone cannot achieve their dreams because of the way they are born?” Loh said he expected Congress to work out a Constitutional Amendment to change the law once and for all.

Loh’s stances on various issues are bound to draw support. He supports a full repeal of the Obama Administration’s signature healthcare law, also known as ‘Obamacare,’ and Loh has also stated that priority one of his foreign policy agenda will be to “gargle Israel’s sack.” Loh has ideas for the middle class, the EPA, and gay rights agenda, and plans to detail those in a forthcoming op-ed with The Thirsty Turtle Times.

As another man of humble origins chases the world’s highest throne, the world waits.

 

Johnny Tremain contributed to this report.

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#LOH: My Proposal for UMD – The Best Masturbation Reference you’ve ever Heard

by Fake Wallace Loh

HELLOH STUDENTS!

Dr. Loh has a plan.

I have a proposal for all of you, and I wish for you to hear me out.  Without further ado:

Masturbation is a curious, ongoing marvel of the human experience.  It is not exclusively a human creation, but it is also not quite in line with natural sexual activity.  That’s not to criticize it; rather, it’s to put in context. Viewing sex as an act of pleasure as opposed to an act of necessity, acknowledging it as such, and proceeding with it as such, is a phenomenon of mankind – and an increasingly acceptable part of our society.  And thus, we have a fascination with it. We have built our culture around it, dancing ever closer to its mysterious center.

With that in mind, it’s time to make some societal adjustments.  I have always felt, and I’m sure you do too, that we simply do not have enough masturbation references out there.  Not enough cheesy rhyming metaphors, like the “five-knuckle-shuffle.” Not enough smut and nonsense, like “visiting Rosie Palm and her five daughters.” Not enough family-friendly lore tainted by permanent sexual connotations, like names of planets that sound like inappropriate body parts.

Masturbation is all about self. You are under complete control of your own sexual fiefdom. Your sexual organs are your center. It’s personalization at its finest.

But “self” doesn’t have to mean one person. It could be a collective self – like, for example, the United States.  Sexual satisfaction of a collective self, like the United States, would be an orgy of Americanization.  It would probably be something similar to the celebrations following the killing of Bin Laden, or if chili cheese dogs were served at Walmart. … which they are. I’m moving back to China.

But what of the U of MD? We have a lot to be proud of.  We are one of the most prestigious public schools in the country – a public Ivy – and we’re still rising.  We have the greatest university president in U.S. history – me.  We are at or near the precipice on several frontiers –Engineering, Astrophysics, and Business, to name a few (we even named our engineering building after my hero, Kim Jong-Il. A nod the Triple T on that scoop).  We are a hotspot for political stop-offs.  Even if we’re faced with an off year, we still have one of the stronger athletic programs in the nation.  Indeed, we deserve to self-satisfy.

So my question to you is, what do we satisfy? What is our sexual organ?  What – or who – is Maryland’s collective center? Answering that, how does the University of Maryland personalize itself? What’s our signature? What’s the rub to our Maryland mascot?

Piece that together, and answer me this:

How does a Terrapin Masturbate?

#Loh

Think twice next time you "Rub Testudo's Nose"

Dr. Wallace D. Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011. He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

BREAKING: Obama’s Visit to Campus Cancelled because of Traffic

For the past four days, College Park has been abuzz with excitement, anticipating the arrival of President Barack Obama to the University of Maryland for a Town Hall meeting in Ritchie Coliseum.  Apparently, it was all for nothing.

“There’s too much damn traffic!” ranted Obama’s 2012 Campaign Manager Jim Messina. “What is going on up there? All the spending this city has orchestrated in the last decade, and we can’t even control our own streets? It’s a disaster!”

College Park on Christmas day

On Friday morning, Messina called off the Town Hall meeting after the Presidential Motorcade became stuck in gridlock traffic on Route One in College Park. The return trip was surprisingly smooth; once it became clear that there was no rush to return to the White House, the traffic eased. But that hardly helped.

“The President was even angrier than I was,” said Messina.

After arriving back at the White House, The President was overheard by an NBC reporter saying “… wanted to sit down with my thumb up my ass for that long, I’d go back to the negotiating table with the Republicans…”

When asked why they didn’t use a helicopter to fly to College Park, Messina hinted about a furious phone call the night before from University President Wallace Loh, raging and storming that he was sick of all the helicopters in College Park.

When emailed for comment, Loh responded only with “Only thing I hate more than helicopters over College Park: talking to the press.”

“So we had to drive,” Messina said, still somewhat shaken. “But even with the legal right to make cars pull over and let us drive through, we still couldn’t move.  The traffic was an absolute nightmare.”

The Presidential Motorcade is allowed to use Emergency Protocol, but even sirens did not seem to help.  Evidently, drivers were unwilling to break traffic laws to get out of the motorcade’s way (like going through a light to pull over), because they feared they would be sent tickets in the mail via the photo-enforcement system.

“That transportation system is like navigating through Newt Gingrich’s conscience. It’s dark, mysterious, and you keep bumping into strange obstructions that no one seems to care enough about.” Messina ranted.

No further stops are planned.

Henry Ford contributed to this report.

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Copyright 2011 Thirsty Turtle Times

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent.

President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the ladder of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.”

He would soon be sidetracked.

Indeed, two days into the trip, Dr. Loh’s staff declared that after a frantic search, they could not find him. Governor O’Malley finished brushing his hair and filed a missing person report, but by then night had fallen and Beijing police were unable to locate Dr. Loh.

Dr. Loh appeared to resurface the next day when South Korea’s Yonhap News Agency rebroadcasted a portion of a Korea Central News Agency (North Korea’s state run news) segment. The broadcast showed a visibly ecstatic Dr. Loh presiding over a North Korean military parade with none other than North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

A North Korean Military Parade in Pyongyang (AP)

“We had a very warm conversation,” Dr. Loh said of Kim upon his return to Beijing. “Honestly I don’t know where this guy gets such a bad rap, he’s really a sweet guy.”

North Korea and Kim have recently resurfaced in the news as a result of a study sponsored by the North Korean government, which named China and North Korea as the first and second happiest countries in the world, respectively. The United States was ranked last.

“We didn’t talk about that,” said Loh of the study. “We traded pointers on leadership, but didn’t go into specifics of current politics. It’s a sensitive issue with him.”

Within a week of Loh’s departure, reports surfaced of Kim Jong-un, the dictator’s youngest son and presumed heir, leading police task forces to squash bootleg drinking at the University of Pyongyang and surrounding areas.

Loh would not elaborate on what was discussed with Kim. Shortly before Loh’s return to the United States last week, Pyongyang released another study, declaring the University of Maryland, College Park to be the happiest campus on Earth. The University of Pyongyang was ranked second, while Duke University was ranked last.

@fakewallaceloh contributed to this report.
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Copyright 2011 The Thirsty Turtle Times

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report

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