Tag Archives: University of Maryland

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

“I was just reading my copy of The Engineering Magazine, when that guy in sunglasses and a muscle shirt came in and asked about his ‘30 Natural Light’ or something,” recounted Elmira Banks, one of McKeldin Library’s front desk staffers, seeming bewildered. “I told him no, we have electric lighting, and he got angry so I went to my boss.”

David Allen, the director of DOTS, was at the time filling in as staff manager for McKeldin. He heard the words natural light, and reportedly began screaming.

“HE WANTS TO RIP OPEN THE WALLS AND CEILING, IT’S A BOMB!” he was heard to shout over the radio to the University of Maryland Police Department’s officer stationed in the library at the time.

The officer listened raptly, and calmly reassured Mr. Allen.  “No no no,” he said. “Natural Light is beer. The students drink it at.. parties…”

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

He sputtered. “OH GOD I NEED BACKUP,” he roared into his radio. “GET EVERYONE DOWN HERE NOW!”

Within five minutes, every emergency vehicle in Prince George’s County was outside McKeldin Library.  Though the library was evacuated, no message was issued through UMD Alerts, leading to some student dissatisfaction.

“We had a moral obligation to prevent students from approaching unopened alcoholic beverages” said an officer on site. “Staying calm is not as important as staying sober.”

K-9 units (bomb-sniffing dogs), which had been in training for some few weeks before the incident, were on scene with the UMPD.  Unfortunately they had practiced hunting down beers so often, always finishing by chewing them open and consuming their contents, they were still inebriated, and were mostly useless.  Yet they didn’t prove necessary.

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

After the evacuation and four-hour search, the school had lost some $10,000 of misplaced or stolen equipment, an estimated $1,000 spent on emergency services, and students had forgone a night of studying for finals.

From their search of McKeldin Library the police uncovered and confiscated 797 Natural Light beers, 36 bottles of varying hard liquors, 25 different bags, containers, joints, blunts or spliffs of marijuana, four strippers, two bottles of absinthe, and an injection-ready horse tranquilizer.

The original unknown suspect is still at large, though students are advised to keep their eyes out for a “white male aged 18-22, who likes Natural Light beer.”

Later reached over the phone for comment, an unspecified officer at the UMPD station said “EEEEEEGHHHHEWAAAAHAAAAGHFHGOTERPSUFHGHFUGHFOHA.”

You deserve it, boys.

Thanks to those who keep us safe. To reach the losers who always make fun of them, email thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Rebecca Martinson for SGA President

Write in "Rebecca Martinson" for SGA President, now through April 24th at testudo.umd.edu

Write in “Rebecca Martinson” for SGA President, now through April 24th at www.testudo.umd.edu.

Editor’s note: start here.

If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, the SGA has been FUCKING UP in terms of FUCKING EVERYTHING.  And the only person LITERALLY capable of punting them into line is the smart, talented, electric and uncompromising Rebecca Martinson.

Continue reading

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

“The corn shortage brought on a good hard fay-mine.  Daddy said our struggles were cuza those fy-nan-seers in New York City,” said Studley, speaking outside New York City Criminal Court on Monday morning, ignoring his court-assigned lawyer’s advice that he stop talking.

“So logicallism sujest they turned hundereds of corns into one big un and put it right der!  THEY TOOK ER CORN!” he continued.

“Whos diss booknerd who wont stop boderin me?” Studley added as his lawyer fell over trying to push him off the court steps.

Hawkeye fans in Iowa City supporting Studley during his arraignment:

Minutes after scaling, evaluating, and finally taking a shucking knife to the building, Studley was arrested by FBI agents.  This comes just two weeks after dozens of University of Maryland students were arrested for rioting in New York in the wake of UMD’s Atlantic Coast Conference Tournament upset of Duke University.

peter king on islam

Rep. Peter King (R, NY) declaring “government cash” and “muslim students” should be mutually exclusive options for public universities.

“It is clear that Islamo-socialism is reborn in America” said congressman Peter King (R, NY) on ABC News last night.  “And these public universities are the hotbeds.”

The CIA has reportedly taken University of Maryland President Wallace Loh into questioning, owing to his affiliations with both UMD and the University of Iowa, where he used to be provost.  Sources from inside the CIA (and we have loads of them) suggest Loh has been identified as the center of a massive international conspiracy.  We’ll have more on that soon.

“At least dey gonna be corn dis year!” said Studley later on Monday, driving a wobbly Hawkeye team RV out of the Staten Island Hurricane Sandy Relief Shelter.

To be continued…

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).

Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read the official NRA response to University of Maryland President Wallace Loh’s propagandic column in last Wednesday’s Diamondback.

Dr. Loh should really be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals.  In fact he should probably resign and self-deport.  The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

Dr. Loh should be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals. In fact he should probably resign and self-deport. The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

What happened last week was a terrible tragedy: perhaps suffering from some kind of mental illness, a deranged person, using the mightiest weapon he possessed, tore apart our glorious Constitution. This person also happens to be President of the University of Maryland. Shame on the Diamondback for permitting such offensive bile, and Dr. Loh, shame on you for writing it! And this all comes after an earlier tragedy of a murder-suicide the week before. As if a community torn asunder by violence needs the further strife of you proposing solutions to prevent such a reoccurrence – so soon.

But Dr. Loh, the madness stops here. All of this clamoring to oppress our second amendment rights must stop.

The new assaults on our freedom proposed by Governor Martin O’Malley, which you support, are laughable. Examining the recent tragedy in College Park, some say the fact this killer was diagnosed with a mental illness means he should have been subjected to a background check, and subsequently should not have legally been allowed to purchase a gun. But, Dr. Loh, answer this: why should our constitutional rights suffer for society’s inadequacies?

Regarding shooter Dayvon Maurice Green, where were the mental health services? We, the pro-gun lobby/only objective observers say Maryland’s mental health facilities are to blame. This man had a mental illness, and no one bothered to cure it. It’s almost as if your school’s mental health program isn’t already run by the top students in the country.

No, Dr. Loh, guns are not the problem! They are the solution. Violence is a terrible problem in College Park.  Just last week, students responded to a sporting victory with a terrible riot. An entire light pole was downed. Imagine how much safer that riot could have been if every single student was legally armed that night.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during the post Duke-upset riots.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during last week’s post Duke-upset riots.

Seniors and juniors at the University of Maryland may well remember the incident that led to the closing of this publication’s namesake, the Thirsty Turtle bar, in November 2010. Three men were stabbed by a fourth, after the continuation of an altercation that had begun in the bar.  Wallace Loh, just a few days into your term, violence plagued your city.  Perhaps your war on guns wasn’t such a good idea.

Now, if those three victims had guns, they wouldn’t have been stabbed, plain and simple. And perhaps, if the perpetrator had been armed, the three victims wouldn’t have originally attempted to gang up on him in the first place. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make sense. It’s a mess, plainly one only guns could have cleaned up, but Dr. Loh, you just seem to have it out for our rights!

Why, Dr. Loh, are firearms singled out when knives are clearly a more common weapon? In the wake of this incident, why weren’t people talking about banning knives? And don’t say it’s because nobody died – that argument has been done to death. Violence is bad no matter what and the only way to stop it is with more guns.

A much more realistic solution to the violence in College Park nightlife is to arm the bouncers. R.J. Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer wouldn’t have had to assault an air force veteran and ruin his own career if he was armed from the start. Surely, the impossibly drunk victim would have cowered and walked away after being ejected from the bar by an armed Plummer. Wallace Loh, with a doctorate in psychology, the expert on alcohol consumption, even you could acknowledge this.

Armed bouncers, however, are not enough. The campus must be secured.

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

We need armed guards outside every building in College Park. And to those nay-sayers who say we don’t have the manpower, what about Maryland’s 6.6% unemployment rate? There are loads of people doing absolutely nothing in Hyattsville. Let’s give them guns and station them throughout College Park on Saturday nights. That’ll keep us safe.

But in the end, nothing is perfect. Demons will always slip through the cracks, and tragedy will return to College Park. Now and then, innocents will die; it’s the cost of freedom. As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” It doesn’t matter if he was referring to something completely different. It suits our argument to use his quote out of context; just like it suits gun owners to use their assault rifles out of context when they use them to go hunting. Checkmate.

The point is, Dr. Loh, do not let the occasional misfortune drag you into irrational behavior. Death is tragic, but there is greater tragedy: Spending a half-hour studying the Second Amendment and the proposed laws to realize our rights aren’t actually being infringed. AUX ARMES!

The National Rifle Association is the primary lobby of the firearms industry in the United States. They can be reached in the seventh layer of Hell, or at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMD Ravens Fans Can’t Decide Between Successful Futures, Violent Rioting

COLLEGE PARK – Sunday night was a night torn for many University of Maryland Ravens fans. They were conflicted, simply unable to decide between inducing mayhem to celebrate their team’s Super Bowl victory, or having a clean record and a chance for a successful future.

Ravens undecided“Hardest decision of my life!” vented Ravens fanatic Zach Bolstine, a UMD senior finance major. “I mean, I just got a job with Capital One Bank starting in July, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I don’t put a trash can through their window right now.”

The Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers in a thrilling 34-31 Super Bowl on Sunday. The University of Maryland’s large Ravens fanbase celebrated rather peacefully on Sunday, avoiding destruction and chaos. Students this year were unable, or unwilling, to block Route One for more than a couple traffic lights, and for some, it was a burden too great to bear.

“Just terrible” ranted Bolstine. “Where’s the blood? Where’s the beatdown on CNN?”

Students struggled with their conflicting feelings, weighing immeasurable chaos against their hopes and dreams.  Some envied the disorder of the riots of March 4th, 2010, when Maryland men’s basketball upset then 4th-ranked Duke.

“Everyone was a fan of the basketball team,” said Bolstine. “most of UMD isn’t Ravens fans, so the responsibility for anarchy falls on fewer of us.”

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Students also remember two years ago, when US Navy Seals took out Osama Bin Laden on May 1st, 2011. The ensuing celebration in College Park was considered very orderly, as there was only one arrest and students largely complied with police shepherding.

“At least we harmed society though,” said Bemma Maha, a recent UMD graduate who watched the Super Bowl with his fellow Ravens fans at Cornerstone Grill and Loft, of the Bin Laden death celebrations. “We blocked Route One for hours, think about how much economic activity that disrupted!”

Maha recently was hired for his dream job as a fashion promoter in New York City, but said he was hoping to get arrested assaulting a police officer on Route One.

“I won’t do it if it won’t ignite greater bedlam” he spat bitterly, after observation the sparse, peaceful crowd. There were no disturbances, no violence, and no arrests.

Ravens fans became increasingly conflicted upon hearing word that students at Towson University in Towson, Maryland were rioting without restraint.

“It’s not fair,” complained Bolstine. “Those kids from Towson never had futures to lose in the first place.”

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Psychotic Ray Lewis contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Maryland Moving to the AFC North

COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.

UMD is moving to the AFC North

UMD is moving to the AFC North

The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”

The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”

“That was all I had to hear,” said Loh, who says he then hung up and immediately called back Goodell, ecstatic to provide his relatively new basketball coach, Mark Turgeon, with as winnable an environment as possible.

After learning of the imminent move, Turgeon reportedly called Loh on an hourly basis for four straight days, but Loh ignored the calls.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

“We didn’t want to give the game away too quick,” said Loh. “Confrontation can be awkward. Just look at the fans!”

Indeed, upon hearing that the Terps would join the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC North, College Park reacted as it normally does, with a huge and unnecessary fire. Students gathered on the Chapel Fields to burn either their Terrapin or Ravens gear, choosing sides between teams many of them long adored side-by-side.

“Torrey Smith is so good,” said Dash Braha of the former Terp and current Raven, as he tossed his Maryland hats and shirts into the blaze. “With Joe Flacco throwing to him, that second half Terp defense will be shredded! I know Flacco can compete with any quarterback in the league!”

“FLACCO SUCKS!” ranted Michael Ervin, an avid Terps fan, as he burned his Ravens gear in earnest. “He’ll NEVER win ANYTHING!”

When asked of Smith, Ervin shrugged, muttered, “Classy guy,” and walked home.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Randy Edsall’s only comment on Maryland’s big move was how it would benefit the teams bereft quarterback situation. Maryland lost four quarterbacks to season ending injuries this year, and Devin Burns has recently announced a transfer.

“It is our conclusion that only a man of holy stature can crack this apparent curse we have today,” Edsall stated. Anderson quickly translated the Edsallian.

“He intends to trade for Tim Tebow,” said Anderson. “Another financial benefit of UMD’s relocation.”

“Overall this will benefit Maryland in the long run,” said Loh, tagging an NFL lapel pin to his coat. “Hopefully we’ll ascend to the upper echelons of NFL commiss- I mean polit- I mean, rankings.” Loh paused. “Whatever. At least we’re not in the Big East,” he said, as he and Anderson walked off, laughing and high fiving.

Randy Marsh contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has finally received an intervention.  Officials say this was a long time coming.

Maryland students received an email at about 9:15 PM on Monday, January 16, alerting them of a fire in J.M. Patterson building.  Several follow up emails lead many to believe the blaze was uncontrollable.

Firefighters attempting to prevent JM Patterson from doing anything rash.

It was the Patterson building’s second suicide attempt in four months.  In October, the middle-aged structure mixed volatile chemicals in a desperate attempt to blow itself up.  Last week, it simply self-immolated.

The reasons seemed to be piling on.

“It never really got over its breakup with the Industrial Engineering department,” noted one professor, who chose to remain anonymous to maintain the battered building’s trust.  “That’s some 80 years of living in pain.”

The professor also disclosed that the building has ingested many chemical drugs, which he often ‘regrettably’ injected to the building himself via the chemical disposal room.

“He just never complained!” said the professor. “I can’t understand why he tolerated so much sodium hydroxide.”

The Geology Building has also noted negative trends.

“I saw Jimmy John’s delivery cars outside that building three to five times a night,” it said. “It was like JM was trying to eat itself to death.”

That wasn’t all.  The building also appeared to have entered an overly promiscuous phase in its downward spiral.

“So many degenerates got inside, without emerging till dawn.  [The JM Patterson Building] had this misplaced idea that the more people it slept with, the better it would feel,” said the Geology Building.  “It was awful to watch. I couldn’t do anything, I was so shocked, I just felt frozen to the ground; completely helpless.”

Evidently that all boiled over last Monday, when the JM Patterson, unsatisfied with its place in the world, grabbed hold of some of its circuitry and self-immolated.  The blaze was painstakingly contained after 20-30 minutes, and the building was kept isolated during a mental evaluation.

From this point forward, it’s all uphill.

“We’re so glad the JM Patterson is finally getting the help it needs,” said Sharon Kirkland-Gordon, a Director of the UMD Counseling Center, referring to the JM Patterson’s resolve to receive counseling at the Biology Pyschology building.

“There is no depth from which one cannot be saved” Kirkland-Gordon said. “The Counseling Center is glad to accept people of all backgrounds, whether black, white, gay, straight, wood or brick.”

The Bio-Pysch building, as it is colloquially known, is reportedly unhappy with the decision.

“Talk about a blind date,” is was overheard to have said.

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You can drop off words of encouragement for the JM Patterson Building at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.

“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”

Artist's conception of LohKeldin Park

When asked to justify a $25 million theme park while the University of Maryland is in such tight fiscal times, Loh insisted, “this project is for the students, and it will bring in money. I am absolutely convinced that my staff will be willing to foot the $2,400 yearly pass on the park.  Buy 10 years, get the 11th free! At less than six dollars a day, you can’t afford not to ride the Turtle-Shell Obliterator 3000!”

Many students have expressed shock and anger at the new plans, suggesting the money would be better spent shoring up a debt-ridden athletics department or fixing the school’s crumbling infrastructure.

“Each of those agencies has their own budget and must fund themselves, through donations, revenue, etc.” explained Loh, suggesting that the three matters were unrelated. When asked what was funding the theme parks, Loh muttered something about “the Ball Loh Hard University Fund.” He refused to elaborate.

When asked instead if bathrooms should charge entry fees to fund the plumbing, Loh abruptly stood up.

“Who the hell do you think you are, breaking into the financial office and reading our 2013 budgeting? Get the hell off my property!”

Construction on LohKeldin Park begins this week.

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LaMarcus Adna Thompson contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.

DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night

The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.

Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.

“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.

It was a joyous moment for University officials, who have enacted a series of initiatives to limit the black squirrel presence on campus, including banning them from approaching within 150 yards of all campus eateries, athletic facilities, and performing arts centers.

These signs have sprouted all over campus

“We will ride the entire campus of these ungodly beasts,” raved UMD Provost Ann Wylie. “Never again will these black bastards torment this campus. No more innocent humans and grey squirrels being beaten and raped. Never again will thievery reign throughout the land. Never again will they bring their barbarism and indecency to corrupt our peaceful gray-squirreled society. As long as we keep these monsters in check, we needn’t concern ourselves that anything else is a problem.”

No word yet on a response from the black-squirreled community. While some have suggested that a statement is not forthcoming since the squirrels are incapable of speech or thought, Wylie had a different opinion.

“They’re learning their f—–g place.”

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Bullwinkle J. Moose contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

“North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one student. “Like, it wasn’t even edible. It was terrible.”

So they were eating pig feces.

Last night's banquet hall

“WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?” shouted one student, stuffing handfuls of excrement into his mouth. “We can’t eat that crap. What other choice do we have?” At that point, the student appeared to have confused himself. He simply blurted out, “Fire Edsall.”

Reporters struggled to extract any more explanations for the bizarre behavior. The students were not interested in such mundane topics. They all unceasingly spouted reasons why the University of Maryland should immediately dismiss head football coach Randy Edsall.

In Edsall’s first year as coach, the Terps struggled to a 2-10 season, losing their last seven games by double digit margins.

A majority of the students eating feces were wearing “Fire Edsall” shirts. Though none of the media on scene were sports reporters, they were able to engage the students on the topics.

“What do you say about the athletic department’s five million dollar budget deficit, plus the ten million it would take to replace Edsall and his staff?” asked a Diamondback reporter of a student arms deep in feces.

“Look at the numbers. Look at the donations we’re losing. Look at the ticket losses! We’re losing money, but we can totally afford the replacement!” said the student, his “Fire Edsall” shirt covered in pig slop. “If we don’t replace him, we will sink into a lethal spiral and the program will never win a game again and lose billions of dollars.”

“Where did you get these numbers?” asked the reporter.

Students who want to Fire Edsall eat shit en masse, apparently.

“Ted,” he replied, pointing to another student whose head was lost inside a pig’s rectum, his neck pulsing with the effort of swallowing.

After awhile, the students seemed incapable of anything beyond consuming feces and babbling “Fire Edsall.” Reporters continued to press the students to explain why they were eating excrement instead of simply waiting until morning for the diners to serve new food. Answers were short and simple.

“We’re hungry now.”

“Fire Edsall.”

“What’s so hard to understand? We want food. There’s nothing to eat. So we’re eating shit. Fire Edsall.”

One student came somewhat prepared.

“Results are like eating nacho cheese,” he said, pouring some of the same all over his plate of hot feces. “If it isn’t fast enough, you could have a real problem on your hands.” And with that, he shoved the whole plate into his mouth.

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Porky the Pig contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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