Tag Archives: UMPD

McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to a 30 rack of Natural Light beer.

“I will funnel all six floors right now, I swear to God” the suspect allegedly said, asking for his beer back.

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students were evacuated while alcoholic beverages were cleared. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

“I was just reading my copy of The Engineering Magazine, when that guy in sunglasses and a muscle shirt came in and asked about his ‘30 Natural Light’ or something,” recounted Elmira Banks, one of McKeldin Library’s front desk staffers, seeming bewildered. “I told him no, we have electric lighting, and he got angry so I went to my boss.”

David Allen, the director of DOTS, was at the time filling in as staff manager for McKeldin. He heard the words natural light, and reportedly began screaming.

“HE WANTS TO RIP OPEN THE WALLS AND CEILING, IT’S A BOMB!” he was heard to shout over the radio to the University of Maryland Police Department’s officer stationed in the library at the time.

The officer listened raptly, and calmly reassured Mr. Allen.  “No no no,” he said. “Natural Light is beer. The students drink it at.. parties…”

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

Students approaching dangerous levels of sobriety. (Photo by Christian Jenkins/ The Diamondback)

He sputtered. “OH GOD I NEED BACKUP,” he roared into his radio. “GET EVERYONE DOWN HERE NOW!”

Within five minutes, every emergency vehicle in Prince George’s County was outside McKeldin Library.  Though the library was evacuated, no message was issued through UMD Alerts, leading to some student dissatisfaction.

“We had a moral obligation to prevent students from approaching unopened alcoholic beverages” said an officer on site. “Staying calm is not as important as staying sober.”

K-9 units (bomb-sniffing dogs), which had been in training for some few weeks before the incident, were on scene with the UMPD.  Unfortunately they had practiced hunting down beers so often, always finishing by chewing them open and consuming their contents, they were still inebriated, and were mostly useless.  Yet they didn’t prove necessary.

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

This dog was shattered. (Photo by Charlie DeBoyace/The Diamondback)

After the evacuation and four-hour search, the school had lost some $10,000 of misplaced or stolen equipment, an estimated $1,000 spent on emergency services, and students had forgone a night of studying for finals.

From their search of McKeldin Library the police uncovered and confiscated 797 Natural Light beers, 36 bottles of varying hard liquors, 25 different bags, containers, joints, blunts or spliffs of marijuana, four strippers, two bottles of absinthe, and an injection-ready horse tranquilizer.

The original unknown suspect is still at large, though students are advised to keep their eyes out for a “white male aged 18-22, who likes Natural Light beer.”

Later reached over the phone for comment, an unspecified officer at the UMPD station said “EEEEEEGHHHHEWAAAAHAAAAGHFHGOTERPSUFHGHFUGHFOHA.”

You deserve it, boys.

Thanks to those who keep us safe. To reach the losers who always make fun of them, email thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here.

Last year, the State of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.

The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.

Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.

The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face?  Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?

(this video is actually two minutes):

The newest $30,000 grant has instead been chalked up to technology upgrades, which the department has said they could not have afforded on their own. It begs the question – why did they return the money they had the year before? Are they perhaps more honest and virtuous than the slimy, libelous Thirsty Turtle Times has alleged?

Or have they finally overheard the grumblings of the student body, that resources are being wasted?

Seriously, they might have. They may even be working against the grain.

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

Don’t be fooled by the tweaks in state regulations – which now assert a criminal citation can be written for minor crimes like trespassing, disturbing the peace, or marijuana possession, in place of an actual arrest.  These are passed off as “beneficial to everyone” since students can avoid incarceration. But anyone who’s been through the legal system knows it’s not the arrest that hurts, it’s the extra ink on your background check.

These crimes are no less illegal, and no less punishable. The penalties for these criminal offenses are now actually easier to administer. A police officer who doesn’t have to take you to jail and book you after compromising your future can just move on to the next one, and bust dozens of kids in a given night instead of two or three.

Does that mean he will? We don’t know. Because while the state appears deadset to continue the oppression of students, the police are showing signs of evolution.

They are actually focusing their efforts on fighting real crime, pursuing necessary technologies to make the campus safer, and returning surpluses when the only other option is wasting it on an unjust cause.

Whether they acknowledge that the cause of oppressing student rights is unjust, or just believe it to be fruitless, remains to be seen.

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UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

Indeed, it has been a long road to this point. Going back to its founding more than thirty years ago, researchers have been unable to confirm that the UMPD has ever made the right decision before. University officials are planning a parade to commemorate the achievement.

“Ever since it was created to control student rioting during the early seventies’ nationwide student rebellion, [the UMPD] has made a strong tradition out of failure, incompetence, corruption, and misprioritizing,” explained UMPD spokesman Captain Marc Limansky. “Since day one, we have followed the mantra that if you just reduce the drinking, every other problem would go away.”

Chief Mitchell agreed with this assessment. “Personally, I think it has put a significant dent in Global Warming,” he said.

UMPD announcing they successfully completed operation "We are capable of stuff."

But one night, allegations rose that a student with a strong GPA and little-to-no evidence of drug or alcohol use had threatened the school with a massive shooting spree via comments on Facebook and Reddit. Legend has it that Lt. Philip Tou’s brain immediately exploded upon hearing the news.

“We had this crazy idea that if, for one night, we took one unit off alcohol enforcement and actually monitored ethereal threats, maybe we wouldn’t fail at everything we did,” explained Limansky. “Personally, I still have my doubts.”

Alexander Song, the suspect alleged to have threatened the shooting spree, was arrested that night. Officers administered several dozen BAC tests, but he was sober.

“It was weird,” said Mitchell. “We even joked that, from now on, we’d maintain this protocol, of – get this – preventing violent crime instead of alcohol enforcement,” he said, laughing. “Oh, the jokes we have down at the station!”

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Rufus Scrimgeour contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.

DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night

The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.

Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.

“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.

It was a joyous moment for University officials, who have enacted a series of initiatives to limit the black squirrel presence on campus, including banning them from approaching within 150 yards of all campus eateries, athletic facilities, and performing arts centers.

These signs have sprouted all over campus

“We will ride the entire campus of these ungodly beasts,” raved UMD Provost Ann Wylie. “Never again will these black bastards torment this campus. No more innocent humans and grey squirrels being beaten and raped. Never again will thievery reign throughout the land. Never again will they bring their barbarism and indecency to corrupt our peaceful gray-squirreled society. As long as we keep these monsters in check, we needn’t concern ourselves that anything else is a problem.”

No word yet on a response from the black-squirreled community. While some have suggested that a statement is not forthcoming since the squirrels are incapable of speech or thought, Wylie had a different opinion.

“They’re learning their f—–g place.”

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Bullwinkle J. Moose contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling.

“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.

On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Artist’s rendering of Loh’s costume

“LOH NO!” he screamed.

“OH MY GOD THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY MIRROR BARBARA GET RID OF HIM!”

Mrs. Loh, confused, attempted to calm her husband. The only thing Wallace saw in the mirror was his wife lovingly approach an underage drinking student.

“NO!” he screamed. “STAY AWAY FROM MY BARBARA!”

After swinging his hot fire poker at his mirror, Loh called the UMPD, and screamed that a student was drinking illegally in his house and making advances on his wife. In the recording of the 911 call, largely indistinguishable through Loh’s callous screaming, the words Loh used the most were “Kill, kill, kill!”

Arriving on the scene with four cruisers, a battering ram, and a helicopter, the police broke into Loh’s house and immediately arrested him. Tying him to his living room armchair next to his fireplace, they began to taunt and question him.

Dr. Loh and his wife

“Frat guy in the house!” ranted a captain.

“Big tough guy with his big tough beer!” spat a sergeant

“Who’s in charge here?” demanded one lieutenant.

“I am,” responded Loh.

“Where are the deputies?” inquired another lieutenant to roaring laughter.

At that point, Loh slowly raised his finger, pointing to his employees one-by-one, from cop to cop. Their smiles vanished.

Chaos reigned.

For the next four-and-a-half hours, the President’s Residence was torn asunder by furious gunfire, as well as a few grenade explosions. Each officer attempted to arrest the other four for underage drinking, despite the men ranging in age from mid 20s to lower 60s, while Wallace Loh struggled to shield his wife from the mayhem and destruction.

It seemed the only officer willing to “accept” he had indeed drank underage was Lieutenant Philip Tou. In total shame, Tou attempted to take his own life during the firefight, but his skull was too thick for a bullet to pass through.

After all the officers exhausted their ammunition, they began fighting hand-to-hand, using whatever weapons they could scrounge, including burning embers from the fire, hot fire pokers, and the empty firearms. There appeared to be no end in sight to the pandemonium.

Reenactment of Monday night’s events:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdkAgP_nDg4&w=420&h=315]

The officers were finally distracted from their fight by a mysterious crackling and slapping sound. Silent for a moment, it didn’t take the five officers and two Lohs long to realize that the mansion they were in was under assault – by a barrage of eggs.

Having momentarily forgotten that it was still Halloween night, it took a moment for those inside to catch their bearings. But it was Tou who took control.

“TILL DEATH!” he screamed, to roars of concord, and the officers grabbed every weapon they could from Loh’s secret armory in his cellar.

In the year of our Lord 2011, policemen of Maryland, overfed and over-equipped, charged the fields of College Park. They fought like Wallace Loh-its. They fought like Terrapins, and stole their freedom.

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Mel Gibson contributed to this report

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Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story.

In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.

UMPD Captain Marc Limansky's imagination (visual approximation)

Last week, a Limansky, having received his information from “outstandingly trustworthy sources,” warned the University of Maryland community of an impending tornado via UMD Alerts, the campus’s emergency notification system.  Despite repetitive texts and emails that warned of the tornado’s arrival in 13, 10, and 4 minutes, no tornado touched down – Except in Limansky’s imagination, where the damage was simply inhuman.

“As we all know, this is a very sensitive region,” said UMPD Chief of Police David Mitchell. “It is no iron palace. Things break down easily up there. The capacity for minor issues to grow into terrible problems is enormous. A tornado was the last thing that place needed – the damage is irreparably catastrophic.”

Initial damage estimates were high. Mitchell yesterday requested additional funds from University President Loh to cope with the destruction. Though President Loh approved, Limansky flat-out denied the aid, insisting that the money was essential to the fight against rampant underage drinking.

“I really like having rational thought proceses,” Limansky said. “But devoting only 99% of our department’s resources to oppress underage drinking is unacceptable.”

Chief Mitchell agreed.

“The force needs these funds” he said. “With all the destruction these parties and tornadoes cause, we can only assume that one day, they’ll damage actual society.”

_

Glenn Beck contributed to this report.

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Story of Bentley’s Hippo Unveiled

This past August, the College Park community was shocked to discover that a dead hippopotamus had been uncovered underneath the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Originally a mystery, The Thirsty Turtle Times has uncovered the true story through a variety of sources, public and private.

R.J. Bentley’s

In June of 1928, what is currently known as R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station was just a five-year-old gas station named College Park Auto Place.

Current Bentley’s owner John Brown reveals to us that then-owner Jonas Giller was furious with a zoology expedition at the University of Maryland. Out of an abundance of caution, local authorities had forbidden automobiles from entering town, robbing Giller of any business for the day.

As the expedition wound down, the hippopotamus keeper stopped at College Park Auto Place for gas. Giller then allegedly ordered his hourly staffer to open the hippo pen, intending to cause a diversion.

Both hippos escaped. While one vanished into the woods, the other went rampaging on Route One, killing dozens of students who had been drinking at the bowling alley up the street. Giller used the diversion to steal two pigs from a separate cart.

The story of the hippos faded quickly, as locals were much more enraged that students were drinking underage at the bowling alley.  The students who died were condemned; those who lived were expelled. The hourly worker who opened the hippo pen was hailed as a hero for helping to expose the corruption.

“If those students hadn’t been drinking, they wouldn’t have died. It’s their fault,” remarked University of Maryland Police spokesman Marc Limansky, who had no knowledge of a second hippo.

Since the first hippo was causing so much damage, it is believed that the second hippo, which was never found, wandered unnoticed into Bentley’s, whose remaining staff had gone to help at the bowling alley.  Likely pursuing the pigs that Giller had hid in the cellar, the hippo scaled shelves and somehow wedged itself into a two-foot crawl space to eat the pigs.

After that, it did not immediately die. Living under a busy autoshop during a time when regulating the environment was laughable, the hippo survived for a while on leaking gasoline and used motor oil, which slowly corroded its insides. Eventually the hippo developed a block in its intestines, making it impossible for the animal to have bowel movements. As the gasoline mixed with the pig remains, the beast swelled.

The hippo’s life was extended in a coma-like state until 1978, when R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station replaced College Park Auto Place.  Interestingly, the new owners chose not to inspect the cellar or floorboards, assuming all was well.

“I didn’t even know this place had a basement until last week,” remarked Brown.

Interior of R.J. Bentley’s after the floorboards were removed

Though there was no more gasoline for the hippo to survive on, soon excess amounts of beer were leaking through the floors, and miraculously, the alcohol cleared the hippo’s intestinal block.

And yet, the hippo was still stuck in its own feces. The mess combined with the heavy yeast in all the beer gave the hippo a rectal fungus infection, as well as terrible indigestion and flatulence.

Slowly the clientele shifted from alumni to students, increasing the vomit the hippo was eating. The bar also began to see a much more active nightlife – more dancing, more people, more sweating.

Sexual activity increased on the dance floor, and it appeared at one point the hippo was impregnated with a half-human-half-hippo baby from fresh semen that leaked through the floor. Officials say there’s evidence to suggest this may have happened more than once.

The hippo was believed to have died in the mid 1980s, and with its death, the anal fungus spread throughout the Bentley’s floorboard. Nothing was discovered until the summer of 2011, 83 years after the pigs were first stuffed into the basement.

The unearthed mess included the hippo full of everything it had ever consumed since 1928, including at least one dead pig, over a ton of ultra-refined semi-digested gasoline, several thousand gallons of beer, vomit, semen, a dead half-human half-hippo baby, all covered in several inches of sopping wet slimy mold, which clearly had an apex at the creature’s anus.

“I don’t believe that story,” said Chad Killian, a student and frequent attendant of Bentley’s. “It just smelled a whole lot worse than that.”

The smells have somewhat persisted, and the investigation continues.

Steve Irwin contributed to this report

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: The Lohpression of Evil

Comrades,

Dr. Wallace D. Loh

I wish to tell you the story of a boy named Timmy.

Timmy was a bright young student at the University of Maryland. He was a brilliant child and a future leader. Timmy was also a good student and a volunteer of many good causes. He was the pride of our great school.

But then, disaster struck. An arrogant, pompous brat of the dark side named Thomas came storming into Timmy’s life with the force of a thousand red bulls. The wicked Thomas grabbed hold of Timmy like Satan himself, and forced the devil’s elixir down his throat.

They had taken our wonderful boy! Shocked his adrenaline, boiled his brain, exposed him to fat chicks! OUR SOULLESS TIMMY, CONQUERED BY THOMAS!

But there’s hope.

Most glorious Army of the Republic, the officers of the University of Maryland Police Department, who will stop at nothing to eradicate this terrible scourge upon our happy home, have recently been authorized by me to slaughter the enemy with total impunity.

My fearless policemen bravely fired upon Thomas as he attempted to poison helpless Timmy. Thomas was killed, but poor Timmy was caught in the crossfire. He did not make it. We will make him a martyr of our glorious pursuit of cleansing our streets of this disgusting poison. And remember, the important thing is that we killed Thomas.

The precious, sweet, innocent children wander through the streets, lost and confused, hoodwinked and delirious. The fumes of hellfires roast their brains like hot sirloin. The demon spirits drown our young boys and girls in darkness and delirium.

Yes, those terrible, monstrous, horrific demon spirits! How dare they poison the innocent? They chant that it is the way – that they are entitled to their right to imbibe the swill of Satan. But what is personal when there are victims? The perpetrator may BE the victim, but their actions go against the state, and as we know, the state is the highest moral torchbearer of our society.

I will prioritize this holy cause – sports, health, safety and societal functionality are luxuries we can’t afford right now. Rest assured, I will stop at nothing. We will never quit, until the great scourge of underage drinking is purged from our streets, now and forever!

Because through the heart of evil pumps not blood, but bourbon straight. And the devil’s elixir will have no place in Wallace Loh’s College Park!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdvUR67nZs0&w=420&h=315]

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Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010. Fake Wallace Loh, his unofficial alter-ego, began tweeting on March 31st, 2011 (@fakewallaceloh), and can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

Vito Riccio Burns Ratsie’s Pizza to the Ground

Vito explaining why Ratsie's should be demolished in October 2010 (Charlie DeBoyace - The Diamondback)

COLLEGE PARK – A terrifying scene reigned in downtown College Park last night, as Vito Riccio, 27, owner of Vito’s Pizza on Route One, reemerged from his mysterious recent absence in spectacular fashion – by burning Ratsie’s Pizza and Subs to the ground.

Riccio has not been seen in months, as his shop has remained boarded up for unspecified reasons.  His reemergence last night was almost as shocking as the fashion in which he did it.

Reporters on scene documented a man in hysterical rage.

“NOW YOU KNOW WHAT VODKA SAUCE IS!  EGYPTIAN SLOBS, HOW’S THIS FOR A NATIONAL REVOLT?” Vito was heard shouting while dousing the establishment in gasoline and, interestingly, his restaurant’s signature vodka sauce.

“NO – MORE – PRANK – CALLS!  WHO’S GOING OUT OF BUSINESS NOW?” he screamed as he set Ratsie’s ablaze. The shop, mercifully empty, was entirely engulfed within minutes.  Riccio was laughing maniacally.

“A REAL FIRE BY A REAL ITALIAN,” he screamed into the night.

Nearby pedestrians were unable to prevent Riccio from proceeding with the burning. They were stopped by “Steve-O,” a former manager at Vito’s, who students say is also Riccio’s close friend.

Ratsie's is no more

“Here’s my face,” he yelled at the crowd. “All you internet trash-talkers, here it is.  Anyone who wants to get to Vito, you have to go through me. You should see how I’ve scared people on the internet.”

University of Maryland Police spokesman Marc Limansky says the UMPD has already had a warrant on Riccio for some time.

“We’ll get to the arson. Right now we’re following up on a reports of underage students drinking in that bar last year. The law doesn’t take a day off.”

For now, downtown College Park is out of pizza.

Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro contributed to this report.

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UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.

Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh.  Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.

Chief Mitchell and the UMPD mean business.

“We simply weren’t content with ruining these kids’ futures,” University Police spokesman Captain Marc Limansky said. “We wanted to prevent them from happening in the first place.”

Mitchell was looking forward to the many benefits of the measure.

“Think of how much money we waste questioning, assaulting, arresting, and charging these kids. The courts and jails are packed.  Now it’s just ‘wam, bam, see ya ma’am.  We’re gonna save thousands!” he boasted.

When asked if he thought the measure was too strict, Limansky responded “It’s simple. If kids don’t want to get punished, they shouldn’t commit the crime. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. I wasn’t born yesterday. Other cheesy cop line. Error.”

College Park residents were highly enthusiastic about the new measure.

“I want these kids to either stop having fun, or I want their faces in the mud,” said one local at Town Hall Bar. “Drinking is unnaccept-“ at which point he was cut off by his own vomiting.

Several prominent observers from The Diamondback, and even the Washington Post and Baltimore Sun have questioned whether increased enforcement by allowing UMPD to shoot anyone they suspect is drinking underage will actually work, given the school’s increasingly intense crackdown on underage drinking and, coincidence or not, a corresponding increase in the overall level of underage drinking in College Park, according to surveys.

“The facts are wrong,” said Limansky. “More enforcement is always the answer, and anyone who disagrees with that shouldn’t be allowed to voice their opinion.  These kids may not understand why we’re shooting and killing them, but some day they’re going to thank us for taking this hard line with them.”

Mitchell was excited to begin enforcing the policy.  He was adamant that his department was simply enthusiastic about doing their jobs.

“Our jobs are important to us,” he said. “At the end of the day, this is all about public safety.”

Buzz Killington contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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