McKeldin Library Evacuated After Beer Threats

COLLEGE PARK – A strange scene unfolded on campus last Wednesday, when an apparent beer threat led to a full evacuation of McKeldin Library.  The incident began when a student made an unusual comment to the front desk, which the Thirsty Turtle Times can now exclusively confirm was alluding to … Continue reading

Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here. Last year, the State of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking. The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway. Marc … Continue reading

UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right. Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to … Continue reading

Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester. The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and … Continue reading

Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling. “I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh. On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other … Continue reading

Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story. In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving … Continue reading

Story of Bentley’s Hippo Unveiled

This past August, the College Park community was shocked to discover that a dead hippopotamus had been uncovered underneath the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Originally a mystery, The Thirsty Turtle Times has uncovered the true story through a variety of sources, public and private. In June of 1928, … Continue reading

Vito Riccio Burns Ratsie’s Pizza to the Ground

COLLEGE PARK – A terrifying scene reigned in downtown College Park last night, as Vito Riccio, 27, owner of Vito’s Pizza on Route One, reemerged from his mysterious recent absence in spectacular fashion – by burning Ratsie’s Pizza and Subs to the ground. Riccio has not been seen in months, … Continue reading

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on … Continue reading