Tag Archives: UMD

UMD Ravens Fans Can’t Decide Between Successful Futures, Violent Rioting

COLLEGE PARK – Sunday night was a night torn for many University of Maryland Ravens fans. They were conflicted, simply unable to decide between inducing mayhem to celebrate their team’s Super Bowl victory, or having a clean record and a chance for a successful future.

Ravens undecided“Hardest decision of my life!” vented Ravens fanatic Zach Bolstine, a UMD senior finance major. “I mean, I just got a job with Capital One Bank starting in July, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I don’t put a trash can through their window right now.”

The Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers in a thrilling 34-31 Super Bowl on Sunday. The University of Maryland’s large Ravens fanbase celebrated rather peacefully on Sunday, avoiding destruction and chaos. Students this year were unable, or unwilling, to block Route One for more than a couple traffic lights, and for some, it was a burden too great to bear.

“Just terrible” ranted Bolstine. “Where’s the blood? Where’s the beatdown on CNN?”

Students struggled with their conflicting feelings, weighing immeasurable chaos against their hopes and dreams.  Some envied the disorder of the riots of March 4th, 2010, when Maryland men’s basketball upset then 4th-ranked Duke.

“Everyone was a fan of the basketball team,” said Bolstine. “most of UMD isn’t Ravens fans, so the responsibility for anarchy falls on fewer of us.”

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Nothing remotely this awesome happened in College Park

Students also remember two years ago, when US Navy Seals took out Osama Bin Laden on May 1st, 2011. The ensuing celebration in College Park was considered very orderly, as there was only one arrest and students largely complied with police shepherding.

“At least we harmed society though,” said Bemma Maha, a recent UMD graduate who watched the Super Bowl with his fellow Ravens fans at Cornerstone Grill and Loft, of the Bin Laden death celebrations. “We blocked Route One for hours, think about how much economic activity that disrupted!”

Maha recently was hired for his dream job as a fashion promoter in New York City, but said he was hoping to get arrested assaulting a police officer on Route One.

“I won’t do it if it won’t ignite greater bedlam” he spat bitterly, after observation the sparse, peaceful crowd. There were no disturbances, no violence, and no arrests.

Ravens fans became increasingly conflicted upon hearing word that students at Towson University in Towson, Maryland were rioting without restraint.

“It’s not fair,” complained Bolstine. “Those kids from Towson never had futures to lose in the first place.”

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Psychotic Ray Lewis contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China (known simply as China), which drew the most attention. The reclusive, autocratic state visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

China revoked Loh’s citizenship (which expired 30 years ago) and declared that he no longer exists.  China also terminated their partnerships established with College Park on Loh’s trip to China with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley last year, which turned out to be a prisoner exchange program.

“Fuck Wallace Loh!” – Yang Jiechi

Seven students charged with underage drinking in College Park are already on their way home from Pingyao Prison in China, while the University of Maryland is returning several dissidents to China who were accused of smiling too much and reading the Thirsty Turtle Times.

China also rebuked The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, for suggesting Loh’s trips to Taiwan and China were “similar,” in an article last week.

“China is happy and glorious. Taiwan is the cradle of evil,” Jiechi explained to a Diamondback reporter over the phone. “It would be like someone comparing your University of Maryland to UMUC.”

Loh could not be reached for comment, although Taiwan has currently blocked all communications as part of a “routine-being-bombed-by-China-exercise.”

It appears only one major figure was pleased with Loh’s visit to Taiwan.

“Me so excited!” said Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in broken English. “Dad telled me about days like this! We able to use agents for kidnap for make glorious University of Pyongyang! No more student have one smuggled beer in 1976!”

Loh returns Monday, hopefully.

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████████ ████ contributed to this report. He or she can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus.

The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity sports next year in what Athletic Director Kevin Anderson has called the “oh fuck, I’m not getting a raise any time soon.”

Loh's Future Mansion (architect's conception)

Nonetheless, President Loh and the Board of Regents have insisted on the necessity of the mansion.

“My salary is X, my expenses are Y, as long as my mansion is built I do not care where the difference comes from. That is my entire involvement,” he was heard to say before the protests, while Mrs. Loh was watching the 2008 film Taken very loudly in the next room.

Regents claim the project is being funded by private donations, but won’t elaborate on where the school suddenly accrued over seven million dollars in private money.

“Stocks” one of them said. “Lots of stocks.”

This explanation has not satisfied an irate student body, as they have continued assembling groups, writing columns in the Diamondback, and general protests. When finally the students formed an angry mob and sieged the president’s temporary residence, he said to his secretary, “What is happening? Why are they rioting?”

“Because they live in dorms sir,” she said. “They have no air conditioning.”

“LET THEM SWIM IN THEIR POOLS!” roared Loh.

After his secretary failed to explain to him that protesters in fact did not all own private pools to swim in, Loh fled to his mansion, still under construction.

“There may not be roofs, running water, or popularity for me in living here,” he said later in the day, taking shelter from the rain under scaffolding. “But at least I feel special. Where’s my brioche?”

Thanks to RL

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Marie Antoinette, Olivier Rabourdin, and RL contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.

“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”

Artist's conception of LohKeldin Park

When asked to justify a $25 million theme park while the University of Maryland is in such tight fiscal times, Loh insisted, “this project is for the students, and it will bring in money. I am absolutely convinced that my staff will be willing to foot the $2,400 yearly pass on the park.  Buy 10 years, get the 11th free! At less than six dollars a day, you can’t afford not to ride the Turtle-Shell Obliterator 3000!”

Many students have expressed shock and anger at the new plans, suggesting the money would be better spent shoring up a debt-ridden athletics department or fixing the school’s crumbling infrastructure.

“Each of those agencies has their own budget and must fund themselves, through donations, revenue, etc.” explained Loh, suggesting that the three matters were unrelated. When asked what was funding the theme parks, Loh muttered something about “the Ball Loh Hard University Fund.” He refused to elaborate.

When asked instead if bathrooms should charge entry fees to fund the plumbing, Loh abruptly stood up.

“Who the hell do you think you are, breaking into the financial office and reading our 2013 budgeting? Get the hell off my property!”

Construction on LohKeldin Park begins this week.

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LaMarcus Adna Thompson contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story.

In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.

UMPD Captain Marc Limansky's imagination (visual approximation)

Last week, a Limansky, having received his information from “outstandingly trustworthy sources,” warned the University of Maryland community of an impending tornado via UMD Alerts, the campus’s emergency notification system.  Despite repetitive texts and emails that warned of the tornado’s arrival in 13, 10, and 4 minutes, no tornado touched down – Except in Limansky’s imagination, where the damage was simply inhuman.

“As we all know, this is a very sensitive region,” said UMPD Chief of Police David Mitchell. “It is no iron palace. Things break down easily up there. The capacity for minor issues to grow into terrible problems is enormous. A tornado was the last thing that place needed – the damage is irreparably catastrophic.”

Initial damage estimates were high. Mitchell yesterday requested additional funds from University President Loh to cope with the destruction. Though President Loh approved, Limansky flat-out denied the aid, insisting that the money was essential to the fight against rampant underage drinking.

“I really like having rational thought proceses,” Limansky said. “But devoting only 99% of our department’s resources to oppress underage drinking is unacceptable.”

Chief Mitchell agreed.

“The force needs these funds” he said. “With all the destruction these parties and tornadoes cause, we can only assume that one day, they’ll damage actual society.”

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Glenn Beck contributed to this report.

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UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.

Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh.  Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.

Chief Mitchell and the UMPD mean business.

“We simply weren’t content with ruining these kids’ futures,” University Police spokesman Captain Marc Limansky said. “We wanted to prevent them from happening in the first place.”

Mitchell was looking forward to the many benefits of the measure.

“Think of how much money we waste questioning, assaulting, arresting, and charging these kids. The courts and jails are packed.  Now it’s just ‘wam, bam, see ya ma’am.  We’re gonna save thousands!” he boasted.

When asked if he thought the measure was too strict, Limansky responded “It’s simple. If kids don’t want to get punished, they shouldn’t commit the crime. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. I wasn’t born yesterday. Other cheesy cop line. Error.”

College Park residents were highly enthusiastic about the new measure.

“I want these kids to either stop having fun, or I want their faces in the mud,” said one local at Town Hall Bar. “Drinking is unnaccept-“ at which point he was cut off by his own vomiting.

Several prominent observers from The Diamondback, and even the Washington Post and Baltimore Sun have questioned whether increased enforcement by allowing UMPD to shoot anyone they suspect is drinking underage will actually work, given the school’s increasingly intense crackdown on underage drinking and, coincidence or not, a corresponding increase in the overall level of underage drinking in College Park, according to surveys.

“The facts are wrong,” said Limansky. “More enforcement is always the answer, and anyone who disagrees with that shouldn’t be allowed to voice their opinion.  These kids may not understand why we’re shooting and killing them, but some day they’re going to thank us for taking this hard line with them.”

Mitchell was excited to begin enforcing the policy.  He was adamant that his department was simply enthusiastic about doing their jobs.

“Our jobs are important to us,” he said. “At the end of the day, this is all about public safety.”

Buzz Killington contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene.

The Hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage.  It closed every business in College Park – except Jimmy John’s.

Sam Preer, a Jimmy John’s driver, was making a delivery on Norwich road in College Park when a fully-grown Oak Tree was blown over by 120 mph winds, landing on his car.  The vehicle exploded instantly, destroying several nearby cars and killing several nearby residents.  Preer nonetheless survived, took the order he was delivering and sprinted to his destination despite losing the lower half of his left leg and suffering third degree burns all over his body.

“I figured there was nothing I could do for the car,” said Preer. “I just wish I could have run faster. I had a job to finish.”

The delivery arrived 11 minutes after it was ordered.

“I’m absolutely disgusted,” ranted Jimmy John’s College Park owner Matt Wampler, while installing turbo boosters on his remaining delivery cars. “We could not be more sorry about this.”

Preer was equally embarrassed.

“This will never, ever happen again,” he said while helping Wampler install rocket thrusters onto the delivery bikes. Preer’s leg had almost finished regenerating.

“Damn right,” added Wampler, securing his jetback. “That’s a promise.”

 

James Liautaud contributed to this report.

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East Coast Earthquake Causes UMD to Temporarily Drop Daycon

The 5.9 Magnitude Earthquake that struck the East Coast this past Tuesday was apparently stronger than many geologists thought.  It was so powerful, it actually caused the University of Maryland to drop Daycon Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies for several minutes.

“I always knew it would take an act of God,” said Mary Yanik, head of UMD Drop Daycon, a group that has supported cutting the school’s contract with this D.C. based company since last year.

“This is awful. A major embarrassment,” Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley said Wednesday.

Indeed, school officials were equally mortified.

“We could not be more sorry,” said University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, before announcing that he was forwarding a $140 million preemptive settlement as a “gesture of our sincerest apologies.”

The temporary drop led Daycon to resort to several emergency money-saving tactics, such as bounding, gagging, and torturing the children of a number of their employees.

Meanwhile, the school continues to grapple with other damage from the quake, which left several buildings in ruins with as many as 300 students trapped inside with no food or water.  The school is struggling to gather the necessary relief funds.

“We’re taking these issues one at a time,” said Loh, filling out Daycon’s compensatory check. “The last thing we want is to fail to meet our obligations.  We’ll help those kids as soon as we can.”

Peter Pan contributed to this report.

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UMD Updates Official Title

The University of Maryland, College Park, as it was formerly known, broke new ground today by changing its officially recognized title.  After facing criticism for its inconcise and indecisive nature on its name and branding, Maryland’s flagship institution has retermed itself as “the University of Maryland, College Park, inside the Beltway but not in Washington, D.C., in between 193, Route One (for the most part (until East Campus is built)), and Knox Road, centered around a large mall with a pleasant fountain.”

“We’re very excited about this,” said an upbeat University President Wallace Loh, at the rebranding press conference this morning. “Now the students will have a very hard time coming up with obscene chants!”

The University has long faced criticism for its inability to market itself. Abbreviated, it is variously written out as UMD, UMDCP, UMCP, or just UM. The state and school have worked to keep confusion to a minimum, to little avail.  In 1997, the state asserted that only the College Park and Baltimore County campuses could go by University of Maryland. However, confusion persisted, as both schools frequently used their long forms.

“We knew there was no way we would exclude the Baltimore County campus from the University of Maryland brand name. They’re too important, which is why everyone always hears about them,” Loh elaborated.  “So instead, we decided to specify. We talked it over. We got the Maryland thing down, but we felt everyone needed to know it was inside the Beltway, because things are different there – but it’s NOT Washington. Route one skirts the entire East Coast, and we think it has a culture to it, so we included that. 193, Mowatt Lane and Knox may have been a bit much, but we figured we’d finish the job. And to distinguish it from the University College, we included the nice mall and pleasant fountain. It adds a nice touch.“

The school website is set to relocate to www.umdcpibnwdcib193r1seckrcalmpf.edu.  Loh went on a rambling explanation of the title:

“We knew we wouldn’t include little words like of, the, or, and ‘and.’ However, we included the n before wdc (Washington, D.C.) because the ‘not’ is very important there. We decided to include “DC” for specificity, as well as abbreviate “in between” as ib because, really, only saying ‘between’ sounds fucking stupid. Route one was tough – how do you abbreviate that? R-T-E-1? R-T-1? R-1? We chose the ladder because of what this project is going for – simplicity. And we turned the parenthetical sentence into SEC for ‘Sans East Campus.’ Simple!”

At the press conference, reporters scrambled to keep up with their notes. As an awkward, unsettled silence settled for a few seconds, Loh reassured everyone in the room.

“This is for all of you. The last thing we want is mass confusion.”

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) contributed to this report.

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University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent.

President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the ladder of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.”

He would soon be sidetracked.

Indeed, two days into the trip, Dr. Loh’s staff declared that after a frantic search, they could not find him. Governor O’Malley finished brushing his hair and filed a missing person report, but by then night had fallen and Beijing police were unable to locate Dr. Loh.

Dr. Loh appeared to resurface the next day when South Korea’s Yonhap News Agency rebroadcasted a portion of a Korea Central News Agency (North Korea’s state run news) segment. The broadcast showed a visibly ecstatic Dr. Loh presiding over a North Korean military parade with none other than North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

A North Korean Military Parade in Pyongyang (AP)

“We had a very warm conversation,” Dr. Loh said of Kim upon his return to Beijing. “Honestly I don’t know where this guy gets such a bad rap, he’s really a sweet guy.”

North Korea and Kim have recently resurfaced in the news as a result of a study sponsored by the North Korean government, which named China and North Korea as the first and second happiest countries in the world, respectively. The United States was ranked last.

“We didn’t talk about that,” said Loh of the study. “We traded pointers on leadership, but didn’t go into specifics of current politics. It’s a sensitive issue with him.”

Within a week of Loh’s departure, reports surfaced of Kim Jong-un, the dictator’s youngest son and presumed heir, leading police task forces to squash bootleg drinking at the University of Pyongyang and surrounding areas.

Loh would not elaborate on what was discussed with Kim. Shortly before Loh’s return to the United States last week, Pyongyang released another study, declaring the University of Maryland, College Park to be the happiest campus on Earth. The University of Pyongyang was ranked second, while Duke University was ranked last.

@fakewallaceloh contributed to this report.
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