Tag Archives: TTT

Remember Turtle

Go hard tonight, but save a minute of silence for the Thirsty Turtle, our wonderful namesake which closed down one year ago today.

The Thirsty Turtle opened in November 2007, replacing many businesses that had shuttered there in the past. Owing to an unusually large retail space in the notoriously poor business environment of College Park, businesses struggled to survive at the location in the past. Turtle was different.

They innovated. And they lived.

Within a matter of months, the Thirsty Turtle became known as an underage watering hole. While the bar officially carded all patrons, the standards were notoriously lax. Many students described the pitiful quality of the fake I.D.s they used to gain entry, and in September and October of 2010, undercover cadets of the University of Maryland Police Department successfully gained entry to the bars using their real, underage I.D.s

Beyond becoming the mecca of teenage euphoria, Turtle became a cultural touchstone of the University of Maryland. To this editor, it represented the face of a D1 party school, six months before transferring to UMD.

The Thirsty Turtle was forced to surrender its liquor license in November 2010, following a stabbing incident that involved several of its patrons. The political pressure the bar faced was insurmountable, and College Park lost yet another local business.

To them, it was a bar and a “problem.” To us, it was home.


Long Live Turtle.

Yours truly,


The Thirsty Turtle Times Wants YOU

Editor’s note: This is a reprint. The original version of this post was published on June 25th, 2011.


The Thirsty Turtle times is caught in a furious struggle for humanity.

We fight for the truth. We fight for you.

We’ve noticed you stopping by, paying heed to our burgeoning creation. Your loyal adherence warms our hearts. We regret that we must now ask more of you (NOT money).

We Want YOU

No, nothing we have printed is true. Nor is anything we will print in the future. But that doesn’t nullify our glorious cause. Our pursuit is not literal truth or ethical journalism.

Truth itself is not a written reality. It is a molding, shape shifting, supernatural force. It is, simply, something that is easier felt than said, and it is subject to its context. It rides strong on the back of humor.

A fan of the Triple T is a fan of intellect. They read between the lines. They see the magical presentation of literary circus. We are brand new, and our fanbase is growing. Like they trust in our pursuit of truth, we trust in their faith, and we know they will continue to swell. The Thirsty Turtles will breed.

If this sounds like your kind of battle, the time has come for action. The Thirsty Turtle Times is recruiting soldiers.

The Pen is indeed mightier than the sword – writing ability is a must.

If you would like to write for the Thirsty Turtle Times, please contact us at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

We can also be reached on Twitter @ThirstyTimes or on Facebook at The Thirsty Turtle Times.

Our New Logo is Fucking Awesome

Look at this logo:

We Keep it Realer than Reality

It’s fucking spectacular. And since we haven’t made a penny off this site yet, and since the real Thirsty Turtle is defunct, no one can sue us. We win for eternity.

This logo is on our Twitter page. You should follow us (@ThirstyTimes). If you don’t have Twitter, get one just for us.

This logo is on our Facebook page. You should become a fan of us. If you don’t have Facebook you’re either really really cool or really really weird. Most likely the ladder. We don’t have a Google+ page. If you have one of those, well, we’re ok with your lifestyle choice.

Seriously, this logo is awesome. It’s the best thing to come out of Microsoft Paint since the Obama Hope Poster.

Things are changing around here.  The Thirsty Turtle Times is a growing enterprise, and successful growth works on systems. So from now on, I will not publish my personal notes on our official account (THIRSTYTURTLETIMES).

I will write from this account as Editor in Chief.