The Terrapin League: The Battle of McKeldin

Part I: Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice.  If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Last week (year), campus troubles became a national crisis! President Wallace Loh possesses a computer … Continue reading

You May Have Noticed That You’ve Noticed Nothing

Hello chaps, We at the Thirsty Turtle Times would like to apologize for our long delay in producing the awesomeness you expect from us. Clearly we are strained at the moment, as our Editor-in-Chief is spending a semester abroad. Evidently, he felt that mounting and/or Tebowing every monument in Europe … Continue reading

Story of Bentley’s Hippo Unveiled

This past August, the College Park community was shocked to discover that a dead hippopotamus had been uncovered underneath the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Originally a mystery, The Thirsty Turtle Times has uncovered the true story through a variety of sources, public and private. In June of 1928, … Continue reading

The Thirsty Turtle Times Wants YOU

Editor’s note: This is a reprint. The original version of this post was published on June 25th, 2011. Greetings. The Thirsty Turtle times is caught in a furious struggle for humanity. We fight for the truth. We fight for you. We’ve noticed you stopping by, paying heed to our burgeoning … Continue reading