Tag Archives: Thirsty Turtle

Remember Turtle

Go hard tonight, but save a minute of silence for the Thirsty Turtle, our wonderful namesake which closed down one year ago today.

The Thirsty Turtle opened in November 2007, replacing many businesses that had shuttered there in the past. Owing to an unusually large retail space in the notoriously poor business environment of College Park, businesses struggled to survive at the location in the past. Turtle was different.

They innovated. And they lived.

Within a matter of months, the Thirsty Turtle became known as an underage watering hole. While the bar officially carded all patrons, the standards were notoriously lax. Many students described the pitiful quality of the fake I.D.s they used to gain entry, and in September and October of 2010, undercover cadets of the University of Maryland Police Department successfully gained entry to the bars using their real, underage I.D.s

Beyond becoming the mecca of teenage euphoria, Turtle became a cultural touchstone of the University of Maryland. To this editor, it represented the face of a D1 party school, six months before transferring to UMD.

The Thirsty Turtle was forced to surrender its liquor license in November 2010, following a stabbing incident that involved several of its patrons. The political pressure the bar faced was insurmountable, and College Park lost yet another local business.

To them, it was a bar and a “problem.” To us, it was home.


Long Live Turtle.

Yours truly,


Barking Dog Declares Bankruptcy

Yet another local business has shut its doors in College Park. The Barking Dog, the restaurant and bar that replaced the infamous Thirsty Turtle at 7416 Baltimore Avenue, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday morning. The move came as a shock to some prominent observers who note that the Barking Dog had yet to open their doors to the public.

Owner John McManus was enraged with the situation.

The Barking Dog has been Shock-Collared

“The numbers were a disaster!” He ranted yesterday afternoon, piling his belongings into boxes. The fallout was so great, his Bethesda location was forced to close as well – “Millions spent! The green paint alone set me back two million, and not even one penny of revenue.”

When asked why he did not consider opening the bar, McManus retorted “Oh, like that would have helped.”

“I had the entire county breathing down my neck, but no one over 21 seemed interested. It’s like the accounting literally ran from reality.”

Indeed, an extensive study was sponsored by the Thirsty Turtle Times last month. After weeks of research, we are still unable to confirm if a person 21 or older has ever set foot inside the property since it was built almost a century ago. Some of the bouncers for the Thirsty Turtle were rumored to be over 21, but they were known to always stand outside the bar. The search is ongoing.

It is also no secret that the Prince George’s County Liquor Control Board has been pressuring McManus to ensure no one under the age of 21 is granted entry during bar hours, effectively eliminating all clientele.

To add to that, McManus said test runs with a few test customers did not go well at all.

“They insisted I go 50/50 on food and alcohol. So when some lady asked for four cocktails, she got all pissed off for some reason when I gave her four cheeseburgers too. Hey lady, it’s the law!”

College Park’s largest commercial lot remains vacant.


Sylvester J. Pussycat, Sr. contributed to this report.


Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, and find us on Facebook.

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report


Twitter @ThirstyTimes