Tag Archives: Terps

Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign

“That thing isn’t even up straight anymore!” yelled Trey, referring to the sign. “Yeah,” added Tyler. “It looks like Mason Plumlee going for a rebound.”

Students in New Jersey took to the streets of their various hometowns, flooding market squares and pouring out of bars and clubs.  Fights broke out across the state, from Teaneck to Cherry Hill, allegedly begun as a result of the game.

“Interesting that they chose college basketball as their excuse this time,” said Lieutenant Peter Costello of the New Jersey State Police. “They must have really cared about that game.”

In Baltimore, several Maryland students attempted to riot in the North Avenue/Belair Road part of town. Of the school’s Baltimore residents who returned to College Park, the few who have been seen in public have often been moving frantically, carrying schoolbooks, always in tears.  All who were asked have refused to comment on what happened.

A sizeable chunk of Maryland students spent their hard-earned savings on a trip to Panama City, Florida.  They watched the game, celebrated outside all night, had an awesome time and you hate them.

In New York, Maryland students crowded into several designated bars across The Bronx, Manhattan, and Brooklyn, and all successfully congregated at The Charging Bull following the game.  Their tweets, Facebook posts, and other social media boasts of their plans were intercepted by the CIA.

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students' attempts to riot in New York City

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students’ attempts to riot in New York City

Special ops were on scene in minutes.  Several students were killed by unmanned drones.  Several more were captured, and have reportedly been sent to the federal detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Rep. Peter King (R, NY), and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D, NY) sparred on CNN as to the legality of the killings and incarcerations.

“These kids should have been given a fair tri – uhhh, I think President Obama is a trustworthy man. This must be a Republican’s fault,” said Sen. Gillibrand, blinking every syllable.

“Don’t believe the Ayatollah’s lies. We will not negotiate with terrorists! Hats off to the entire ladder of law enforcement here, from the ground guys right to the top man not appointed by the president,” said Rep. King without blinking.

Meanwhile in Boston, UMD students were buried under another snowstorm.  It was the only city where a bonfire was considered the cool way to celebrate.

Pelican in oil

TTT’s New Orleans Correspondent

Meanwhile, in New Orleans, many vacationing Maryland fans were out on the streets following the game, but it’s unclear what they were celebrating.  Information is of course hazy, as the Thirsty Turtle Times correspondent on sight reports he was “blacked out like a pelican in the Gulf of Mexico.” Reportedly, however, New Orleans was the only celebration where the common “Show your tits!” chant actually found any success.

University of Maryland students also took to the seas, as many joined a discount Carnivale Cruiseline ship from Tampa, Florida, through the Caribbean and back. None of those students saw or followed the game, however, as the ship’s power went out and it was out of range of any cellular service.  The students rioted anyway, as soon as the ship ran out of toilet paper and buckets.

And despite all the celebrations, despite Maryland’s ensuing loss to North Carolina in the ACC semifinals, there’s still plenty of energy left in Terpnation.

“We’re going crazy if they win the NIT,” added Trey from Columbia.  “Like, I’m talking pulling out my mom’s flowers crazy.”

Ethan Diamond and Mother Nature contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook.

Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

“North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one student. “Like, it wasn’t even edible. It was terrible.”

So they were eating pig feces.

Last night's banquet hall

“WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?” shouted one student, stuffing handfuls of excrement into his mouth. “We can’t eat that crap. What other choice do we have?” At that point, the student appeared to have confused himself. He simply blurted out, “Fire Edsall.”

Reporters struggled to extract any more explanations for the bizarre behavior. The students were not interested in such mundane topics. They all unceasingly spouted reasons why the University of Maryland should immediately dismiss head football coach Randy Edsall.

In Edsall’s first year as coach, the Terps struggled to a 2-10 season, losing their last seven games by double digit margins.

A majority of the students eating feces were wearing “Fire Edsall” shirts. Though none of the media on scene were sports reporters, they were able to engage the students on the topics.

“What do you say about the athletic department’s five million dollar budget deficit, plus the ten million it would take to replace Edsall and his staff?” asked a Diamondback reporter of a student arms deep in feces.

“Look at the numbers. Look at the donations we’re losing. Look at the ticket losses! We’re losing money, but we can totally afford the replacement!” said the student, his “Fire Edsall” shirt covered in pig slop. “If we don’t replace him, we will sink into a lethal spiral and the program will never win a game again and lose billions of dollars.”

“Where did you get these numbers?” asked the reporter.

Students who want to Fire Edsall eat shit en masse, apparently.

“Ted,” he replied, pointing to another student whose head was lost inside a pig’s rectum, his neck pulsing with the effort of swallowing.

After awhile, the students seemed incapable of anything beyond consuming feces and babbling “Fire Edsall.” Reporters continued to press the students to explain why they were eating excrement instead of simply waiting until morning for the diners to serve new food. Answers were short and simple.

“We’re hungry now.”

“Fire Edsall.”

“What’s so hard to understand? We want food. There’s nothing to eat. So we’re eating shit. Fire Edsall.”

One student came somewhat prepared.

“Results are like eating nacho cheese,” he said, pouring some of the same all over his plate of hot feces. “If it isn’t fast enough, you could have a real problem on your hands.” And with that, he shoved the whole plate into his mouth.

________________________________________________________

Porky the Pig contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

Wallace Loh 2012

Like the Thirsty Turtle Times itself, I will keep it realer than reality.  This campaign will be as genuine as it could possibly be without violating Federal Election law.  And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea where that line is.

My positions are certainly beyond reality:

  • I will absolutely repeal Obamacare – not because it’s unconstitutional or bad policy, but because together, we will work to screw over as many students as possible.
  • My foreign policy will be as simple as possible, because as we all know, complex questions have simple answers.  So I will smile at everybody, and of course, I will gargle Israel’s testicles.  World problems solved.  No questions.
  • The government needs to save money. So, I propose that we abolish several agencies – the Department of Commerce, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Consumer Protection Agency, for starters.  We will replace those agencies with Daycon services, which will take over all governmental responsibility pertaining to corporate integrity.  I’ll funnel them a $10 billion budget – far cheaper than all those soon-to-be-former agencies, but enough to make Daycon rich.  Why? Because I fucking hate those drop-Daycon assholes, and I hope you do too.
  • Judges will be allowed to have whatever opinions they want, as long as those opinions are the same as mine.
  • Speaking of judicial matters, I am a big supporter of the Lay and Gesbian community.  They deserve equality, but I’ll never get the Republican nomination if I support corrupting marriage.  So I propose we ban marriage entirely.  Nobody happy, everybody wins.
  • I would have supported raising the debt ceiling, because I’m not THAT batshit crazy.  However, I only really believe that so we can keep giving money to China. I am somewhat crazy.

I may be Fake Wallace Loh, but damnit, I keep it pretty fucking real.  This campaign is true. I may be your university president, but together, we are the University of Maryland.  And we’re taking our Terps straight to the White House.

#Loh2012

P.S. Keep your eyes pealed for an op-ed from most glorious Vice Presidential Candidate Lee!

Dr. Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011.  He is a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America.

He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report

thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Twitter @ThirstyTimes