Tag Archives: Randy Edsall

Maryland Moving to the AFC North

COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.

UMD is moving to the AFC North

UMD is moving to the AFC North

The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”

The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”

“That was all I had to hear,” said Loh, who says he then hung up and immediately called back Goodell, ecstatic to provide his relatively new basketball coach, Mark Turgeon, with as winnable an environment as possible.

After learning of the imminent move, Turgeon reportedly called Loh on an hourly basis for four straight days, but Loh ignored the calls.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

“We didn’t want to give the game away too quick,” said Loh. “Confrontation can be awkward. Just look at the fans!”

Indeed, upon hearing that the Terps would join the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC North, College Park reacted as it normally does, with a huge and unnecessary fire. Students gathered on the Chapel Fields to burn either their Terrapin or Ravens gear, choosing sides between teams many of them long adored side-by-side.

“Torrey Smith is so good,” said Dash Braha of the former Terp and current Raven, as he tossed his Maryland hats and shirts into the blaze. “With Joe Flacco throwing to him, that second half Terp defense will be shredded! I know Flacco can compete with any quarterback in the league!”

“FLACCO SUCKS!” ranted Michael Ervin, an avid Terps fan, as he burned his Ravens gear in earnest. “He’ll NEVER win ANYTHING!”

When asked of Smith, Ervin shrugged, muttered, “Classy guy,” and walked home.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Randy Edsall’s only comment on Maryland’s big move was how it would benefit the teams bereft quarterback situation. Maryland lost four quarterbacks to season ending injuries this year, and Devin Burns has recently announced a transfer.

“It is our conclusion that only a man of holy stature can crack this apparent curse we have today,” Edsall stated. Anderson quickly translated the Edsallian.

“He intends to trade for Tim Tebow,” said Anderson. “Another financial benefit of UMD’s relocation.”

“Overall this will benefit Maryland in the long run,” said Loh, tagging an NFL lapel pin to his coat. “Hopefully we’ll ascend to the upper echelons of NFL commiss- I mean polit- I mean, rankings.” Loh paused. “Whatever. At least we’re not in the Big East,” he said, as he and Anderson walked off, laughing and high fiving.

Randy Marsh contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

“North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one student. “Like, it wasn’t even edible. It was terrible.”

So they were eating pig feces.

Last night's banquet hall

“WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?” shouted one student, stuffing handfuls of excrement into his mouth. “We can’t eat that crap. What other choice do we have?” At that point, the student appeared to have confused himself. He simply blurted out, “Fire Edsall.”

Reporters struggled to extract any more explanations for the bizarre behavior. The students were not interested in such mundane topics. They all unceasingly spouted reasons why the University of Maryland should immediately dismiss head football coach Randy Edsall.

In Edsall’s first year as coach, the Terps struggled to a 2-10 season, losing their last seven games by double digit margins.

A majority of the students eating feces were wearing “Fire Edsall” shirts. Though none of the media on scene were sports reporters, they were able to engage the students on the topics.

“What do you say about the athletic department’s five million dollar budget deficit, plus the ten million it would take to replace Edsall and his staff?” asked a Diamondback reporter of a student arms deep in feces.

“Look at the numbers. Look at the donations we’re losing. Look at the ticket losses! We’re losing money, but we can totally afford the replacement!” said the student, his “Fire Edsall” shirt covered in pig slop. “If we don’t replace him, we will sink into a lethal spiral and the program will never win a game again and lose billions of dollars.”

“Where did you get these numbers?” asked the reporter.

Students who want to Fire Edsall eat shit en masse, apparently.

“Ted,” he replied, pointing to another student whose head was lost inside a pig’s rectum, his neck pulsing with the effort of swallowing.

After awhile, the students seemed incapable of anything beyond consuming feces and babbling “Fire Edsall.” Reporters continued to press the students to explain why they were eating excrement instead of simply waiting until morning for the diners to serve new food. Answers were short and simple.

“We’re hungry now.”

“Fire Edsall.”

“What’s so hard to understand? We want food. There’s nothing to eat. So we’re eating shit. Fire Edsall.”

One student came somewhat prepared.

“Results are like eating nacho cheese,” he said, pouring some of the same all over his plate of hot feces. “If it isn’t fast enough, you could have a real problem on your hands.” And with that, he shoved the whole plate into his mouth.

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Porky the Pig contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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