Tag Archives: Philip Tou

UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

Indeed, it has been a long road to this point. Going back to its founding more than thirty years ago, researchers have been unable to confirm that the UMPD has ever made the right decision before. University officials are planning a parade to commemorate the achievement.

“Ever since it was created to control student rioting during the early seventies’ nationwide student rebellion, [the UMPD] has made a strong tradition out of failure, incompetence, corruption, and misprioritizing,” explained UMPD spokesman Captain Marc Limansky. “Since day one, we have followed the mantra that if you just reduce the drinking, every other problem would go away.”

Chief Mitchell agreed with this assessment. “Personally, I think it has put a significant dent in Global Warming,” he said.

UMPD announcing they successfully completed operation "We are capable of stuff."

But one night, allegations rose that a student with a strong GPA and little-to-no evidence of drug or alcohol use had threatened the school with a massive shooting spree via comments on Facebook and Reddit. Legend has it that Lt. Philip Tou’s brain immediately exploded upon hearing the news.

“We had this crazy idea that if, for one night, we took one unit off alcohol enforcement and actually monitored ethereal threats, maybe we wouldn’t fail at everything we did,” explained Limansky. “Personally, I still have my doubts.”

Alexander Song, the suspect alleged to have threatened the shooting spree, was arrested that night. Officers administered several dozen BAC tests, but he was sober.

“It was weird,” said Mitchell. “We even joked that, from now on, we’d maintain this protocol, of – get this – preventing violent crime instead of alcohol enforcement,” he said, laughing. “Oh, the jokes we have down at the station!”

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Rufus Scrimgeour contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling.

“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.

On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Artist’s rendering of Loh’s costume

“LOH NO!” he screamed.

“OH MY GOD THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY MIRROR BARBARA GET RID OF HIM!”

Mrs. Loh, confused, attempted to calm her husband. The only thing Wallace saw in the mirror was his wife lovingly approach an underage drinking student.

“NO!” he screamed. “STAY AWAY FROM MY BARBARA!”

After swinging his hot fire poker at his mirror, Loh called the UMPD, and screamed that a student was drinking illegally in his house and making advances on his wife. In the recording of the 911 call, largely indistinguishable through Loh’s callous screaming, the words Loh used the most were “Kill, kill, kill!”

Arriving on the scene with four cruisers, a battering ram, and a helicopter, the police broke into Loh’s house and immediately arrested him. Tying him to his living room armchair next to his fireplace, they began to taunt and question him.

Dr. Loh and his wife

“Frat guy in the house!” ranted a captain.

“Big tough guy with his big tough beer!” spat a sergeant

“Who’s in charge here?” demanded one lieutenant.

“I am,” responded Loh.

“Where are the deputies?” inquired another lieutenant to roaring laughter.

At that point, Loh slowly raised his finger, pointing to his employees one-by-one, from cop to cop. Their smiles vanished.

Chaos reigned.

For the next four-and-a-half hours, the President’s Residence was torn asunder by furious gunfire, as well as a few grenade explosions. Each officer attempted to arrest the other four for underage drinking, despite the men ranging in age from mid 20s to lower 60s, while Wallace Loh struggled to shield his wife from the mayhem and destruction.

It seemed the only officer willing to “accept” he had indeed drank underage was Lieutenant Philip Tou. In total shame, Tou attempted to take his own life during the firefight, but his skull was too thick for a bullet to pass through.

After all the officers exhausted their ammunition, they began fighting hand-to-hand, using whatever weapons they could scrounge, including burning embers from the fire, hot fire pokers, and the empty firearms. There appeared to be no end in sight to the pandemonium.

Reenactment of Monday night’s events:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdkAgP_nDg4&w=420&h=315]

The officers were finally distracted from their fight by a mysterious crackling and slapping sound. Silent for a moment, it didn’t take the five officers and two Lohs long to realize that the mansion they were in was under assault – by a barrage of eggs.

Having momentarily forgotten that it was still Halloween night, it took a moment for those inside to catch their bearings. But it was Tou who took control.

“TILL DEATH!” he screamed, to roars of concord, and the officers grabbed every weapon they could from Loh’s secret armory in his cellar.

In the year of our Lord 2011, policemen of Maryland, overfed and over-equipped, charged the fields of College Park. They fought like Wallace Loh-its. They fought like Terrapins, and stole their freedom.

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Mel Gibson contributed to this report

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