Tag Archives: Maryland

Rebecca Martinson for SGA President

Write in "Rebecca Martinson" for SGA President, now through April 24th at testudo.umd.edu

Write in “Rebecca Martinson” for SGA President, now through April 24th at www.testudo.umd.edu.

Editor’s note: start here.

If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, the SGA has been FUCKING UP in terms of FUCKING EVERYTHING.  And the only person LITERALLY capable of punting them into line is the smart, talented, electric and uncompromising Rebecca Martinson.

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Terrapin Fans Riot Across the Country Following Spring Break Upset of Duke

EAST COAST, USA: University of Maryland Men’s Basketball fans rioted around the country last week when, in the quarterfinals of the 2013 ACC Championship Tournament, the seventh-seeded Terps defeated second-seeded Duke University 83-74.

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Rioting damage in Columbia, Maryland

Generally, such a magnanimous upset results in some kind of commotion on the home front; the last two victories against Duke, in March 2010 and February 2013, led to celebratory rioting in College Park.  But Terps fans were away for Spring Break last weekend, and took to the streets of their hometowns or vacation destinations instead.

The University of Maryland, of course, draws most of its pupils from the small cities and suburbs of the homeland.  Two Terrapin fans in Columbia, Maryland, Trey and Tyler, who did not wish to disclose their full name for fear of repercussions, successfully bent a stop sign

“That thing isn’t even up straight anymore!” yelled Trey, referring to the sign. “Yeah,” added Tyler. “It looks like Mason Plumlee going for a rebound.”

Students in New Jersey took to the streets of their various hometowns, flooding market squares and pouring out of bars and clubs.  Fights broke out across the state, from Teaneck to Cherry Hill, allegedly begun as a result of the game.

“Interesting that they chose college basketball as their excuse this time,” said Lieutenant Peter Costello of the New Jersey State Police. “They must have really cared about that game.”

In Baltimore, several Maryland students attempted to riot in the North Avenue/Belair Road part of town. Of the school’s Baltimore residents who returned to College Park, the few who have been seen in public have often been moving frantically, carrying schoolbooks, always in tears.  All who were asked have refused to comment on what happened.

A sizeable chunk of Maryland students spent their hard-earned savings on a trip to Panama City, Florida.  They watched the game, celebrated outside all night, had an awesome time and you hate them.

In New York, Maryland students crowded into several designated bars across The Bronx, Manhattan, and Brooklyn, and all successfully congregated at The Charging Bull following the game.  Their tweets, Facebook posts, and other social media boasts of their plans were intercepted by the CIA.

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students' attempts to riot in New York City

Peter King (R, NY), responds to Maryland students’ attempts to riot in New York City

Special ops were on scene in minutes.  Several students were killed by unmanned drones.  Several more were captured, and have reportedly been sent to the federal detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Rep. Peter King (R, NY), and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D, NY) sparred on CNN as to the legality of the killings and incarcerations.

“These kids should have been given a fair tri – uhhh, I think President Obama is a trustworthy man. This must be a Republican’s fault,” said Sen. Gillibrand, blinking every syllable.

“Don’t believe the Ayatollah’s lies. We will not negotiate with terrorists! Hats off to the entire ladder of law enforcement here, from the ground guys right to the top man not appointed by the president,” said Rep. King without blinking.

Meanwhile in Boston, UMD students were buried under another snowstorm.  It was the only city where a bonfire was considered the cool way to celebrate.

Pelican in oil

TTT’s New Orleans Correspondent

Meanwhile, in New Orleans, many vacationing Maryland fans were out on the streets following the game, but it’s unclear what they were celebrating.  Information is of course hazy, as the Thirsty Turtle Times correspondent on sight reports he was “blacked out like a pelican in the Gulf of Mexico.” Reportedly, however, New Orleans was the only celebration where the common “Show your tits!” chant actually found any success.

University of Maryland students also took to the seas, as many joined a discount Carnivale Cruiseline ship from Tampa, Florida, through the Caribbean and back. None of those students saw or followed the game, however, as the ship’s power went out and it was out of range of any cellular service.  The students rioted anyway, as soon as the ship ran out of toilet paper and buckets.

And despite all the celebrations, despite Maryland’s ensuing loss to North Carolina in the ACC semifinals, there’s still plenty of energy left in Terpnation.

“We’re going crazy if they win the NIT,” added Trey from Columbia.  “Like, I’m talking pulling out my mom’s flowers crazy.”

Ethan Diamond and Mother Nature contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle Times, which has never denied any English-written column in its proud history (or any language, for that matter).

Presenting the NRA’s (presumed) response to Dr. Loh, and their stance on gun ‘control’ in College Park:

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read the official NRA response to University of Maryland President Wallace Loh’s propagandic column in last Wednesday’s Diamondback.

Dr. Loh should really be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals.  In fact he should probably resign and self-deport.  The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

Dr. Loh should be ashamed of himself for his column, in which he voiced support for Governor O’Malley’s gun-control proposals. In fact he should probably resign and self-deport. The President of a leading public research institution has no right having opinions regarding the safety and health of his community.

What happened last week was a terrible tragedy: perhaps suffering from some kind of mental illness, a deranged person, using the mightiest weapon he possessed, tore apart our glorious Constitution. This person also happens to be President of the University of Maryland. Shame on the Diamondback for permitting such offensive bile, and Dr. Loh, shame on you for writing it! And this all comes after an earlier tragedy of a murder-suicide the week before. As if a community torn asunder by violence needs the further strife of you proposing solutions to prevent such a reoccurrence – so soon.

But Dr. Loh, the madness stops here. All of this clamoring to oppress our second amendment rights must stop.

The new assaults on our freedom proposed by Governor Martin O’Malley, which you support, are laughable. Examining the recent tragedy in College Park, some say the fact this killer was diagnosed with a mental illness means he should have been subjected to a background check, and subsequently should not have legally been allowed to purchase a gun. But, Dr. Loh, answer this: why should our constitutional rights suffer for society’s inadequacies?

Regarding shooter Dayvon Maurice Green, where were the mental health services? We, the pro-gun lobby/only objective observers say Maryland’s mental health facilities are to blame. This man had a mental illness, and no one bothered to cure it. It’s almost as if your school’s mental health program isn’t already run by the top students in the country.

No, Dr. Loh, guns are not the problem! They are the solution. Violence is a terrible problem in College Park.  Just last week, students responded to a sporting victory with a terrible riot. An entire light pole was downed. Imagine how much safer that riot could have been if every single student was legally armed that night.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during the post Duke-upset riots.

All of this damage could have been averted if every student was legally armed during last week’s post Duke-upset riots.

Seniors and juniors at the University of Maryland may well remember the incident that led to the closing of this publication’s namesake, the Thirsty Turtle bar, in November 2010. Three men were stabbed by a fourth, after the continuation of an altercation that had begun in the bar.  Wallace Loh, just a few days into your term, violence plagued your city.  Perhaps your war on guns wasn’t such a good idea.

Now, if those three victims had guns, they wouldn’t have been stabbed, plain and simple. And perhaps, if the perpetrator had been armed, the three victims wouldn’t have originally attempted to gang up on him in the first place. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make sense. It’s a mess, plainly one only guns could have cleaned up, but Dr. Loh, you just seem to have it out for our rights!

Why, Dr. Loh, are firearms singled out when knives are clearly a more common weapon? In the wake of this incident, why weren’t people talking about banning knives? And don’t say it’s because nobody died – that argument has been done to death. Violence is bad no matter what and the only way to stop it is with more guns.

A much more realistic solution to the violence in College Park nightlife is to arm the bouncers. R.J. Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer wouldn’t have had to assault an air force veteran and ruin his own career if he was armed from the start. Surely, the impossibly drunk victim would have cowered and walked away after being ejected from the bar by an armed Plummer. Wallace Loh, with a doctorate in psychology, the expert on alcohol consumption, even you could acknowledge this.

Armed bouncers, however, are not enough. The campus must be secured.

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

Arm Hyattsville, save College Park!

We need armed guards outside every building in College Park. And to those nay-sayers who say we don’t have the manpower, what about Maryland’s 6.6% unemployment rate? There are loads of people doing absolutely nothing in Hyattsville. Let’s give them guns and station them throughout College Park on Saturday nights. That’ll keep us safe.

But in the end, nothing is perfect. Demons will always slip through the cracks, and tragedy will return to College Park. Now and then, innocents will die; it’s the cost of freedom. As Thomas Jefferson once said, “The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” It doesn’t matter if he was referring to something completely different. It suits our argument to use his quote out of context; just like it suits gun owners to use their assault rifles out of context when they use them to go hunting. Checkmate.

The point is, Dr. Loh, do not let the occasional misfortune drag you into irrational behavior. Death is tragic, but there is greater tragedy: Spending a half-hour studying the Second Amendment and the proposed laws to realize our rights aren’t actually being infringed. AUX ARMES!

The National Rifle Association is the primary lobby of the firearms industry in the United States. They can be reached in the seventh layer of Hell, or at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Something Strange is Happening with the UMPD

Ok, something is amiss here.

Last year, the State of Maryland gave the University of Maryland Police Department a $30,000 grant, with the publicized intent of using that money to combat underage drinking.

The UMPD then did something nobody expected – they RETURNED THE MONEY. Most of it, anyway.

Marc Limansky, the UMPD spokesman, had this to say on the matter: “We’ll manage; we’ve been able to manage for years.” Right.

The state then followed this up with their own case of unscrupulous generosity with taxpayer dollars, and GAVE THE UMPD ANOTHER THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

What is happening here? Who returns a surplus? Did the police just throw reality in the state’s face?  Did the little guy just bring a small-town-honesty meteor crashing down on O’Malley’s big politik parade?

(this video is actually two minutes):

The newest $30,000 grant has instead been chalked up to technology upgrades, which the department has said they could not have afforded on their own. It begs the question – why did they return the money they had the year before? Are they perhaps more honest and virtuous than the slimy, libelous Thirsty Turtle Times has alleged?

Or have they finally overheard the grumblings of the student body, that resources are being wasted?

Seriously, they might have. They may even be working against the grain.

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

University of Maryland Memes, February 2012

Don’t be fooled by the tweaks in state regulations – which now assert a criminal citation can be written for minor crimes like trespassing, disturbing the peace, or marijuana possession, in place of an actual arrest.  These are passed off as “beneficial to everyone” since students can avoid incarceration. But anyone who’s been through the legal system knows it’s not the arrest that hurts, it’s the extra ink on your background check.

These crimes are no less illegal, and no less punishable. The penalties for these criminal offenses are now actually easier to administer. A police officer who doesn’t have to take you to jail and book you after compromising your future can just move on to the next one, and bust dozens of kids in a given night instead of two or three.

Does that mean he will? We don’t know. Because while the state appears deadset to continue the oppression of students, the police are showing signs of evolution.

They are actually focusing their efforts on fighting real crime, pursuing necessary technologies to make the campus safer, and returning surpluses when the only other option is wasting it on an unjust cause.

Whether they acknowledge that the cause of oppressing student rights is unjust, or just believe it to be fruitless, remains to be seen.

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University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent.

President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the ladder of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.”

He would soon be sidetracked.

Indeed, two days into the trip, Dr. Loh’s staff declared that after a frantic search, they could not find him. Governor O’Malley finished brushing his hair and filed a missing person report, but by then night had fallen and Beijing police were unable to locate Dr. Loh.

Dr. Loh appeared to resurface the next day when South Korea’s Yonhap News Agency rebroadcasted a portion of a Korea Central News Agency (North Korea’s state run news) segment. The broadcast showed a visibly ecstatic Dr. Loh presiding over a North Korean military parade with none other than North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

A North Korean Military Parade in Pyongyang (AP)

“We had a very warm conversation,” Dr. Loh said of Kim upon his return to Beijing. “Honestly I don’t know where this guy gets such a bad rap, he’s really a sweet guy.”

North Korea and Kim have recently resurfaced in the news as a result of a study sponsored by the North Korean government, which named China and North Korea as the first and second happiest countries in the world, respectively. The United States was ranked last.

“We didn’t talk about that,” said Loh of the study. “We traded pointers on leadership, but didn’t go into specifics of current politics. It’s a sensitive issue with him.”

Within a week of Loh’s departure, reports surfaced of Kim Jong-un, the dictator’s youngest son and presumed heir, leading police task forces to squash bootleg drinking at the University of Pyongyang and surrounding areas.

Loh would not elaborate on what was discussed with Kim. Shortly before Loh’s return to the United States last week, Pyongyang released another study, declaring the University of Maryland, College Park to be the happiest campus on Earth. The University of Pyongyang was ranked second, while Duke University was ranked last.

@fakewallaceloh contributed to this report.
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Copyright 2011 The Thirsty Turtle Times

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report

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