Tag Archives: Kim Jong-un

China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China (known simply as China), which drew the most attention. The reclusive, autocratic state visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

China revoked Loh’s citizenship (which expired 30 years ago) and declared that he no longer exists.  China also terminated their partnerships established with College Park on Loh’s trip to China with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley last year, which turned out to be a prisoner exchange program.

“Fuck Wallace Loh!” – Yang Jiechi

Seven students charged with underage drinking in College Park are already on their way home from Pingyao Prison in China, while the University of Maryland is returning several dissidents to China who were accused of smiling too much and reading the Thirsty Turtle Times.

China also rebuked The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, for suggesting Loh’s trips to Taiwan and China were “similar,” in an article last week.

“China is happy and glorious. Taiwan is the cradle of evil,” Jiechi explained to a Diamondback reporter over the phone. “It would be like someone comparing your University of Maryland to UMUC.”

Loh could not be reached for comment, although Taiwan has currently blocked all communications as part of a “routine-being-bombed-by-China-exercise.”

It appears only one major figure was pleased with Loh’s visit to Taiwan.

“Me so excited!” said Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in broken English. “Dad telled me about days like this! We able to use agents for kidnap for make glorious University of Pyongyang! No more student have one smuggled beer in 1976!”

Loh returns Monday, hopefully.

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████████ ████ contributed to this report. He or she can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent.

President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the ladder of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.”

He would soon be sidetracked.

Indeed, two days into the trip, Dr. Loh’s staff declared that after a frantic search, they could not find him. Governor O’Malley finished brushing his hair and filed a missing person report, but by then night had fallen and Beijing police were unable to locate Dr. Loh.

Dr. Loh appeared to resurface the next day when South Korea’s Yonhap News Agency rebroadcasted a portion of a Korea Central News Agency (North Korea’s state run news) segment. The broadcast showed a visibly ecstatic Dr. Loh presiding over a North Korean military parade with none other than North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

A North Korean Military Parade in Pyongyang (AP)

“We had a very warm conversation,” Dr. Loh said of Kim upon his return to Beijing. “Honestly I don’t know where this guy gets such a bad rap, he’s really a sweet guy.”

North Korea and Kim have recently resurfaced in the news as a result of a study sponsored by the North Korean government, which named China and North Korea as the first and second happiest countries in the world, respectively. The United States was ranked last.

“We didn’t talk about that,” said Loh of the study. “We traded pointers on leadership, but didn’t go into specifics of current politics. It’s a sensitive issue with him.”

Within a week of Loh’s departure, reports surfaced of Kim Jong-un, the dictator’s youngest son and presumed heir, leading police task forces to squash bootleg drinking at the University of Pyongyang and surrounding areas.

Loh would not elaborate on what was discussed with Kim. Shortly before Loh’s return to the United States last week, Pyongyang released another study, declaring the University of Maryland, College Park to be the happiest campus on Earth. The University of Pyongyang was ranked second, while Duke University was ranked last.

@fakewallaceloh contributed to this report.
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