Tag Archives: Kevin Anderson

Maryland Moving to the AFC North

COLLEGE PARK: The University of Maryland announced today it will leave the ACC for the AFC North of the National Football League. The surprising move, which goes into effect next Fall, comes barely a month after the school approved a Fall 2014 move from the ACC to the Big Ten.

UMD is moving to the AFC North

UMD is moving to the AFC North

The Terrapins will replace the Cleveland Browns, who have been moved to the Southeastern Conference (SEC), where NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “they’ll be able to play more at their speed.”

The move for Maryland has confused many observers, who note that the AFC North is purely a football conference and has no opponents for any of UMD’s 20 other sports teams. University President Wallace Loh claims to have run the details over with athletic director Kevin Anderson, who assured him that “no basketball team can compete with the Terrapins in that sporting realm.”

“That was all I had to hear,” said Loh, who says he then hung up and immediately called back Goodell, ecstatic to provide his relatively new basketball coach, Mark Turgeon, with as winnable an environment as possible.

After learning of the imminent move, Turgeon reportedly called Loh on an hourly basis for four straight days, but Loh ignored the calls.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

Turgeon leaving UMD President Wallace Loh a voicemail last night.

“We didn’t want to give the game away too quick,” said Loh. “Confrontation can be awkward. Just look at the fans!”

Indeed, upon hearing that the Terps would join the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC North, College Park reacted as it normally does, with a huge and unnecessary fire. Students gathered on the Chapel Fields to burn either their Terrapin or Ravens gear, choosing sides between teams many of them long adored side-by-side.

“Torrey Smith is so good,” said Dash Braha of the former Terp and current Raven, as he tossed his Maryland hats and shirts into the blaze. “With Joe Flacco throwing to him, that second half Terp defense will be shredded! I know Flacco can compete with any quarterback in the league!”

“FLACCO SUCKS!” ranted Michael Ervin, an avid Terps fan, as he burned his Ravens gear in earnest. “He’ll NEVER win ANYTHING!”

When asked of Smith, Ervin shrugged, muttered, “Classy guy,” and walked home.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Students burning either Terrapins or Ravens gear en masse.

Speaking of quarterbacks, Randy Edsall’s only comment on Maryland’s big move was how it would benefit the teams bereft quarterback situation. Maryland lost four quarterbacks to season ending injuries this year, and Devin Burns has recently announced a transfer.

“It is our conclusion that only a man of holy stature can crack this apparent curse we have today,” Edsall stated. Anderson quickly translated the Edsallian.

“He intends to trade for Tim Tebow,” said Anderson. “Another financial benefit of UMD’s relocation.”

“Overall this will benefit Maryland in the long run,” said Loh, tagging an NFL lapel pin to his coat. “Hopefully we’ll ascend to the upper echelons of NFL commiss- I mean polit- I mean, rankings.” Loh paused. “Whatever. At least we’re not in the Big East,” he said, as he and Anderson walked off, laughing and high fiving.

Randy Marsh contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally admitted to intentional incompetence. The announcement came as little surprise to some prominent observers.

The NCAA has finally opened up on its criminal incompetence

“They always seemed interested in spiting as many people as possible,” said Kevin Anderson, the athletic director at the University of Maryland. “It was as if they were really trying to be awful at their jobs. I wish I had that good an excuse, to be honest.”

Among many criticisms, the NCAA is constantly under fire for its flat denial to endorse any change to the current College Football Bowl Championship Series (BCS) system, which controversially allows only two teams to compete for the national championship in the post season.

“We realized people would prefer a four or eight-game playoff,“ said David Frohnmayer, Chairman of the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee, while lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill. “That’s why we never did it.”

Mark Emmert, Executive Director of the NCAA, corroborated the notion that the body was fully dedicated to displeasing and dissatisfying athletes and fans alike.

“We’re assholes. We admit it,” he said from his office in Indianapolis, where he sits on a beanbag chair he claims is “stuffed full of the raw cash of slave labor.”

The NCAA has long been criticized for refusing to allow collegiate athletes to receive financial compensation of any kind, beyond scholarships.

“Today, the NCAA is proud to finally admit what we’ve long denied – players deserve to be paid for play. But we’re still not paying them, because we’re also admitting this: we’re all rich, selfish, ego-maniacal assholes,” ranted Emmert.

“We just love taking advantage of people.  When a student must decide between playing another year at a school he loves and earning a degree, or prematurely entering a professional league to feed his impoverished family, I can’t help it; I actually get aroused.”

At that point, Emmert hustled reporters out of his office, locking it behind him.

Later that evening, the NCAA released a statement, saying: “The NCAA acknowledges today for the first time that there’s some merit to the fact that every independent study ever done on Title IX has declared it a failure that actually prevents thousands more young men from participating in intercollegiate athletics. But we’re not changing the policy, because we’re terrified of PC police and posturing politicians ruining our fiefdom of student-athlete exploitation, and, quite simply, we love displeasing people.”

The NCAA then fired its front desk staff, stating in a text message to ESPN that it did so because “they’d have the hardest time finding new jobs, lol.”

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