Tag Archives: Israel

Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues.  Many people took offense to what they perceived to be slanderous hate speech by the advertisement, and the school’s Student Government Association went so far as to condemn the paper.

At the Thirsty Turtle Times, “standards” are like business at the Barking Dog – nonexistent. Since day one, our “About” page has told the truth – that like our namesake, we will admit anything with a pulse.

And so, the Thirsty Turtle Times is proud to print the original advertisement by FLAME, uncut, which the Diamondback deemed to “inflammatory” to publish. Enjoy!

Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

The time has come for the United States to move on from its forced “friendship” with the Arab people. The Arabs are Monsters. They are demon spawn, and their hate, their incompatibility with democracy, and their desire to murder Jews is in their blood.

We have a series of expectations as a unified group of proud Zionists. This is the first request we must raise and do: that our people be free, that these Arab chains that bind us be burst asunder, that Israel be once again captain of her soul and master of her destinies, together with all those who want to join the only democracy in the Middle East, not counting Lebanon, Turkey, Tunisia or Libya. They don’t count; they’re Arab.

And the fulfillment of this first demand will then open up the way for all the other ‘reforms’ that are so necessary.  And here is one thing that perhaps distinguishes us from you as far as our program is concerned, although it is very much in the spirit of things: our attitude to the Arab problem.

For us, this is not a problem you can turn a blind eye to – one to be solved by small concessions from either side, be they settlement stoppages, “land” or “civil liberties.”  For FLAME, it is a problem of whether our nation of Israel can ever recover its health, whether the Muslim spirit can ever really be eradicated.

If only one society, for whatever reason, tolerates a Muslim family in it, that family will become the germ center for fresh sedition. If one little Arab boy survives with no Mosque or Madrasah, without any Jihadist training, Islamo-fascism is still in his soul. Even if there had never been a Mosque or a Madrasah or a Koran, the Islamist spirit would still exist and exert its influence. It has been there from the beginning and there is no Arab, not a single one, who does not personify it.

Don’t be misled into thinking you can fight a disease without killing the carrier, without destroying the bacillus.  Don’t think you can fight racial tuberculosis without taking care to rid the nation of the carrier of that racial tuberculosis.  This Arab contamination will not subside, this poisoning of the nation will not end, until the carrier himself, the Arab, has been banished from our midst.

Do what is right. Support the Israeli people in their quest for peace, by letting them know they are wrong to support Palestinian statehood. Help FLAME convince the U.S. government squash these dangerous Islamist/Jihadist uprisings in Syria, Yemen, Egypt, Libya, and more – which were clearly planned by Osama Bin Laden and ACORN, aimed at toppling peace-loving dictators in favor of something intolerable – Arab democracy. Remember, the security and peace of Israeli Jews is far more important than peace, freedom, justice, and economic opportunity for over a billion Arabs. The Arabs are a monstrous collection of devil’s advocacy; they are the antithesis of civilized man. They must be exterminated.

This has been an Advertisement by FLAME, minus the written words or implied exchange of money. Das Fuhrer contributed to this report.

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

Wallace Loh 2012

Like the Thirsty Turtle Times itself, I will keep it realer than reality.  This campaign will be as genuine as it could possibly be without violating Federal Election law.  And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea where that line is.

My positions are certainly beyond reality:

  • I will absolutely repeal Obamacare – not because it’s unconstitutional or bad policy, but because together, we will work to screw over as many students as possible.
  • My foreign policy will be as simple as possible, because as we all know, complex questions have simple answers.  So I will smile at everybody, and of course, I will gargle Israel’s testicles.  World problems solved.  No questions.
  • The government needs to save money. So, I propose that we abolish several agencies – the Department of Commerce, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Consumer Protection Agency, for starters.  We will replace those agencies with Daycon services, which will take over all governmental responsibility pertaining to corporate integrity.  I’ll funnel them a $10 billion budget – far cheaper than all those soon-to-be-former agencies, but enough to make Daycon rich.  Why? Because I fucking hate those drop-Daycon assholes, and I hope you do too.
  • Judges will be allowed to have whatever opinions they want, as long as those opinions are the same as mine.
  • Speaking of judicial matters, I am a big supporter of the Lay and Gesbian community.  They deserve equality, but I’ll never get the Republican nomination if I support corrupting marriage.  So I propose we ban marriage entirely.  Nobody happy, everybody wins.
  • I would have supported raising the debt ceiling, because I’m not THAT batshit crazy.  However, I only really believe that so we can keep giving money to China. I am somewhat crazy.

I may be Fake Wallace Loh, but damnit, I keep it pretty fucking real.  This campaign is true. I may be your university president, but together, we are the University of Maryland.  And we’re taking our Terps straight to the White House.

#Loh2012

P.S. Keep your eyes pealed for an op-ed from most glorious Vice Presidential Candidate Lee!

Dr. Wallace Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011.  He is a candidate for the Republican Nomination for President of the United States of America.

He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com