The Terrapin League: The Battle of McKeldin

Part I: Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice.  If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Last week (year), campus troubles became a national crisis! President Wallace Loh possesses a computer … Continue reading

Adventures of the Terrapin Boys: Rise of Dr. Loh

Editor’s note: For this column, all proceeding text in italics/bold must be read in a Ted Knight superhero narrator voice. If you are unsure what that is, listen to the opening narration in this video. Starting here: Last month, we saw the government take action after a University of Iowa … Continue reading

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn. … Continue reading

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached … Continue reading

Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus. The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. … Continue reading

UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow. “It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s … Continue reading

Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling. “I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh. On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other … Continue reading

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent. President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the ladder of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.” He would … Continue reading