Tag Archives: David Mitchell

UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

Indeed, it has been a long road to this point. Going back to its founding more than thirty years ago, researchers have been unable to confirm that the UMPD has ever made the right decision before. University officials are planning a parade to commemorate the achievement.

“Ever since it was created to control student rioting during the early seventies’ nationwide student rebellion, [the UMPD] has made a strong tradition out of failure, incompetence, corruption, and misprioritizing,” explained UMPD spokesman Captain Marc Limansky. “Since day one, we have followed the mantra that if you just reduce the drinking, every other problem would go away.”

Chief Mitchell agreed with this assessment. “Personally, I think it has put a significant dent in Global Warming,” he said.

UMPD announcing they successfully completed operation "We are capable of stuff."

But one night, allegations rose that a student with a strong GPA and little-to-no evidence of drug or alcohol use had threatened the school with a massive shooting spree via comments on Facebook and Reddit. Legend has it that Lt. Philip Tou’s brain immediately exploded upon hearing the news.

“We had this crazy idea that if, for one night, we took one unit off alcohol enforcement and actually monitored ethereal threats, maybe we wouldn’t fail at everything we did,” explained Limansky. “Personally, I still have my doubts.”

Alexander Song, the suspect alleged to have threatened the shooting spree, was arrested that night. Officers administered several dozen BAC tests, but he was sober.

“It was weird,” said Mitchell. “We even joked that, from now on, we’d maintain this protocol, of – get this – preventing violent crime instead of alcohol enforcement,” he said, laughing. “Oh, the jokes we have down at the station!”

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Rufus Scrimgeour contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling.

“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.

On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Artist’s rendering of Loh’s costume

“LOH NO!” he screamed.

“OH MY GOD THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY MIRROR BARBARA GET RID OF HIM!”

Mrs. Loh, confused, attempted to calm her husband. The only thing Wallace saw in the mirror was his wife lovingly approach an underage drinking student.

“NO!” he screamed. “STAY AWAY FROM MY BARBARA!”

After swinging his hot fire poker at his mirror, Loh called the UMPD, and screamed that a student was drinking illegally in his house and making advances on his wife. In the recording of the 911 call, largely indistinguishable through Loh’s callous screaming, the words Loh used the most were “Kill, kill, kill!”

Arriving on the scene with four cruisers, a battering ram, and a helicopter, the police broke into Loh’s house and immediately arrested him. Tying him to his living room armchair next to his fireplace, they began to taunt and question him.

Dr. Loh and his wife

“Frat guy in the house!” ranted a captain.

“Big tough guy with his big tough beer!” spat a sergeant

“Who’s in charge here?” demanded one lieutenant.

“I am,” responded Loh.

“Where are the deputies?” inquired another lieutenant to roaring laughter.

At that point, Loh slowly raised his finger, pointing to his employees one-by-one, from cop to cop. Their smiles vanished.

Chaos reigned.

For the next four-and-a-half hours, the President’s Residence was torn asunder by furious gunfire, as well as a few grenade explosions. Each officer attempted to arrest the other four for underage drinking, despite the men ranging in age from mid 20s to lower 60s, while Wallace Loh struggled to shield his wife from the mayhem and destruction.

It seemed the only officer willing to “accept” he had indeed drank underage was Lieutenant Philip Tou. In total shame, Tou attempted to take his own life during the firefight, but his skull was too thick for a bullet to pass through.

After all the officers exhausted their ammunition, they began fighting hand-to-hand, using whatever weapons they could scrounge, including burning embers from the fire, hot fire pokers, and the empty firearms. There appeared to be no end in sight to the pandemonium.

Reenactment of Monday night’s events:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdkAgP_nDg4&w=420&h=315]

The officers were finally distracted from their fight by a mysterious crackling and slapping sound. Silent for a moment, it didn’t take the five officers and two Lohs long to realize that the mansion they were in was under assault – by a barrage of eggs.

Having momentarily forgotten that it was still Halloween night, it took a moment for those inside to catch their bearings. But it was Tou who took control.

“TILL DEATH!” he screamed, to roars of concord, and the officers grabbed every weapon they could from Loh’s secret armory in his cellar.

In the year of our Lord 2011, policemen of Maryland, overfed and over-equipped, charged the fields of College Park. They fought like Wallace Loh-its. They fought like Terrapins, and stole their freedom.

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Mel Gibson contributed to this report

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Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story.

In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.

UMPD Captain Marc Limansky's imagination (visual approximation)

Last week, a Limansky, having received his information from “outstandingly trustworthy sources,” warned the University of Maryland community of an impending tornado via UMD Alerts, the campus’s emergency notification system.  Despite repetitive texts and emails that warned of the tornado’s arrival in 13, 10, and 4 minutes, no tornado touched down – Except in Limansky’s imagination, where the damage was simply inhuman.

“As we all know, this is a very sensitive region,” said UMPD Chief of Police David Mitchell. “It is no iron palace. Things break down easily up there. The capacity for minor issues to grow into terrible problems is enormous. A tornado was the last thing that place needed – the damage is irreparably catastrophic.”

Initial damage estimates were high. Mitchell yesterday requested additional funds from University President Loh to cope with the destruction. Though President Loh approved, Limansky flat-out denied the aid, insisting that the money was essential to the fight against rampant underage drinking.

“I really like having rational thought proceses,” Limansky said. “But devoting only 99% of our department’s resources to oppress underage drinking is unacceptable.”

Chief Mitchell agreed.

“The force needs these funds” he said. “With all the destruction these parties and tornadoes cause, we can only assume that one day, they’ll damage actual society.”

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Glenn Beck contributed to this report.

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UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight.

Authorization was granted last night in a joint signing by O’Malley, UMPD Chief David Mitchell, and University of Maryland President Wallace Loh.  Evidently, school administrators felt that levying hosts of underage drinking venues with a hefty $2,500-per-minor fine was not severe enough.

Chief Mitchell and the UMPD mean business.

“We simply weren’t content with ruining these kids’ futures,” University Police spokesman Captain Marc Limansky said. “We wanted to prevent them from happening in the first place.”

Mitchell was looking forward to the many benefits of the measure.

“Think of how much money we waste questioning, assaulting, arresting, and charging these kids. The courts and jails are packed.  Now it’s just ‘wam, bam, see ya ma’am.  We’re gonna save thousands!” he boasted.

When asked if he thought the measure was too strict, Limansky responded “It’s simple. If kids don’t want to get punished, they shouldn’t commit the crime. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. I wasn’t born yesterday. Other cheesy cop line. Error.”

College Park residents were highly enthusiastic about the new measure.

“I want these kids to either stop having fun, or I want their faces in the mud,” said one local at Town Hall Bar. “Drinking is unnaccept-“ at which point he was cut off by his own vomiting.

Several prominent observers from The Diamondback, and even the Washington Post and Baltimore Sun have questioned whether increased enforcement by allowing UMPD to shoot anyone they suspect is drinking underage will actually work, given the school’s increasingly intense crackdown on underage drinking and, coincidence or not, a corresponding increase in the overall level of underage drinking in College Park, according to surveys.

“The facts are wrong,” said Limansky. “More enforcement is always the answer, and anyone who disagrees with that shouldn’t be allowed to voice their opinion.  These kids may not understand why we’re shooting and killing them, but some day they’re going to thank us for taking this hard line with them.”

Mitchell was excited to begin enforcing the policy.  He was adamant that his department was simply enthusiastic about doing their jobs.

“Our jobs are important to us,” he said. “At the end of the day, this is all about public safety.”

Buzz Killington contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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