Tag Archives: College Park

Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene.

The Hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage.  It closed every business in College Park – except Jimmy John’s.

Sam Preer, a Jimmy John’s driver, was making a delivery on Norwich road in College Park when a fully-grown Oak Tree was blown over by 120 mph winds, landing on his car.  The vehicle exploded instantly, destroying several nearby cars and killing several nearby residents.  Preer nonetheless survived, took the order he was delivering and sprinted to his destination despite losing the lower half of his left leg and suffering third degree burns all over his body.

“I figured there was nothing I could do for the car,” said Preer. “I just wish I could have run faster. I had a job to finish.”

The delivery arrived 11 minutes after it was ordered.

“I’m absolutely disgusted,” ranted Jimmy John’s College Park owner Matt Wampler, while installing turbo boosters on his remaining delivery cars. “We could not be more sorry about this.”

Preer was equally embarrassed.

“This will never, ever happen again,” he said while helping Wampler install rocket thrusters onto the delivery bikes. Preer’s leg had almost finished regenerating.

“Damn right,” added Wampler, securing his jetback. “That’s a promise.”


James Liautaud contributed to this report.


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#LOH: My Proposal for UMD – The Best Masturbation Reference you’ve ever Heard

by Fake Wallace Loh


Dr. Loh has a plan.

I have a proposal for all of you, and I wish for you to hear me out.  Without further ado:

Masturbation is a curious, ongoing marvel of the human experience.  It is not exclusively a human creation, but it is also not quite in line with natural sexual activity.  That’s not to criticize it; rather, it’s to put in context. Viewing sex as an act of pleasure as opposed to an act of necessity, acknowledging it as such, and proceeding with it as such, is a phenomenon of mankind – and an increasingly acceptable part of our society.  And thus, we have a fascination with it. We have built our culture around it, dancing ever closer to its mysterious center.

With that in mind, it’s time to make some societal adjustments.  I have always felt, and I’m sure you do too, that we simply do not have enough masturbation references out there.  Not enough cheesy rhyming metaphors, like the “five-knuckle-shuffle.” Not enough smut and nonsense, like “visiting Rosie Palm and her five daughters.” Not enough family-friendly lore tainted by permanent sexual connotations, like names of planets that sound like inappropriate body parts.

Masturbation is all about self. You are under complete control of your own sexual fiefdom. Your sexual organs are your center. It’s personalization at its finest.

But “self” doesn’t have to mean one person. It could be a collective self – like, for example, the United States.  Sexual satisfaction of a collective self, like the United States, would be an orgy of Americanization.  It would probably be something similar to the celebrations following the killing of Bin Laden, or if chili cheese dogs were served at Walmart. … which they are. I’m moving back to China.

But what of the U of MD? We have a lot to be proud of.  We are one of the most prestigious public schools in the country – a public Ivy – and we’re still rising.  We have the greatest university president in U.S. history – me.  We are at or near the precipice on several frontiers –Engineering, Astrophysics, and Business, to name a few (we even named our engineering building after my hero, Kim Jong-Il. A nod the Triple T on that scoop).  We are a hotspot for political stop-offs.  Even if we’re faced with an off year, we still have one of the stronger athletic programs in the nation.  Indeed, we deserve to self-satisfy.

So my question to you is, what do we satisfy? What is our sexual organ?  What – or who – is Maryland’s collective center? Answering that, how does the University of Maryland personalize itself? What’s our signature? What’s the rub to our Maryland mascot?

Piece that together, and answer me this:

How does a Terrapin Masturbate?


Think twice next time you "Rub Testudo's Nose"

Dr. Wallace D. Loh has been President of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010.

Fake Wallace Loh (@fakewallaceloh) has been tweeting since March 31st, 2011. He can be reached at wallacedloh@gmail.com.

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been there for decades.

“It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming.  There was no constant in that bar that made me think, something vile is under the floorboards. I’m in total shock.”

R.J. Bentley's

R.J. Bentley’s is one of the oldest local businesses in College Park, originally opening as a gas station in 1928.  It has maintained a strong and loyal customer base through its affiliations with Maryland athletics, and particularly with ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt, a university alumnus who popularized the phrase, “Let’s go to Bentley’s!”

With the closing of Santa Fe, the Mark, and eventually the Thirsty Turtle, Bentley’s and Cornerstone Grill & Loft have experienced a higher level of clientele.  As the bars became overcrowded on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, more and more students began to suspect something was being overlooked at Bentley’s.

“It smelt terrible,” said Chad Killian, a student and frequent attendant of the bar. “Like dead, moldy, slimy, beer soaked a—hole.”

The comparison was not too far off.  Indeed, Bentley’s discovered a dead hippopotamus underneath their floorboards while redoing the floors during the Summer break.

“I still don’t get how it could have gotten in there, or how it had been there all this time without someone sensing it one way or another,” said Brown.

The investigation is ongoing as to how the hippo could have gotten into the floor.  Hippos have been to College Park before on zoology exhibitions, but not for many decades.

A hazmat team cleared the mess this morning, dropping the hippo in a compost bin by the South Campus Diner, per request of UMD for Clean Energy.  The effect on the bar appeared to be instantaneous.

“It smelt like roses dipped in chocolate. With perfume. And fresh cupcakes,” said Killian.

Pepé Le Pew contributed to this report.


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BREAKING: Obama’s Visit to Campus Cancelled because of Traffic

For the past four days, College Park has been abuzz with excitement, anticipating the arrival of President Barack Obama to the University of Maryland for a Town Hall meeting in Ritchie Coliseum.  Apparently, it was all for nothing.

“There’s too much damn traffic!” ranted Obama’s 2012 Campaign Manager Jim Messina. “What is going on up there? All the spending this city has orchestrated in the last decade, and we can’t even control our own streets? It’s a disaster!”

College Park on Christmas day

On Friday morning, Messina called off the Town Hall meeting after the Presidential Motorcade became stuck in gridlock traffic on Route One in College Park. The return trip was surprisingly smooth; once it became clear that there was no rush to return to the White House, the traffic eased. But that hardly helped.

“The President was even angrier than I was,” said Messina.

After arriving back at the White House, The President was overheard by an NBC reporter saying “… wanted to sit down with my thumb up my ass for that long, I’d go back to the negotiating table with the Republicans…”

When asked why they didn’t use a helicopter to fly to College Park, Messina hinted about a furious phone call the night before from University President Wallace Loh, raging and storming that he was sick of all the helicopters in College Park.

When emailed for comment, Loh responded only with “Only thing I hate more than helicopters over College Park: talking to the press.”

“So we had to drive,” Messina said, still somewhat shaken. “But even with the legal right to make cars pull over and let us drive through, we still couldn’t move.  The traffic was an absolute nightmare.”

The Presidential Motorcade is allowed to use Emergency Protocol, but even sirens did not seem to help.  Evidently, drivers were unwilling to break traffic laws to get out of the motorcade’s way (like going through a light to pull over), because they feared they would be sent tickets in the mail via the photo-enforcement system.

“That transportation system is like navigating through Newt Gingrich’s conscience. It’s dark, mysterious, and you keep bumping into strange obstructions that no one seems to care enough about.” Messina ranted.

No further stops are planned.

Henry Ford contributed to this report.


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Copyright 2011 Thirsty Turtle Times

Barking Dog Declares Bankruptcy

Yet another local business has shut its doors in College Park. The Barking Dog, the restaurant and bar that replaced the infamous Thirsty Turtle at 7416 Baltimore Avenue, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yesterday morning. The move came as a shock to some prominent observers who note that the Barking Dog had yet to open their doors to the public.

Owner John McManus was enraged with the situation.

The Barking Dog has been Shock-Collared

“The numbers were a disaster!” He ranted yesterday afternoon, piling his belongings into boxes. The fallout was so great, his Bethesda location was forced to close as well – “Millions spent! The green paint alone set me back two million, and not even one penny of revenue.”

When asked why he did not consider opening the bar, McManus retorted “Oh, like that would have helped.”

“I had the entire county breathing down my neck, but no one over 21 seemed interested. It’s like the accounting literally ran from reality.”

Indeed, an extensive study was sponsored by the Thirsty Turtle Times last month. After weeks of research, we are still unable to confirm if a person 21 or older has ever set foot inside the property since it was built almost a century ago. Some of the bouncers for the Thirsty Turtle were rumored to be over 21, but they were known to always stand outside the bar. The search is ongoing.

It is also no secret that the Prince George’s County Liquor Control Board has been pressuring McManus to ensure no one under the age of 21 is granted entry during bar hours, effectively eliminating all clientele.

To add to that, McManus said test runs with a few test customers did not go well at all.

“They insisted I go 50/50 on food and alcohol. So when some lady asked for four cocktails, she got all pissed off for some reason when I gave her four cheeseburgers too. Hey lady, it’s the law!”

College Park’s largest commercial lot remains vacant.


Sylvester J. Pussycat, Sr. contributed to this report.


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Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.

Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing.  Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.

Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.

The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction.  And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.

For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.

Welcome aboard.

Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report


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