Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge. Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he … Continue reading

DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!! NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc Historic 2012 … Continue reading

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. … Continue reading

BREAKING: Obama’s Visit to Campus Cancelled because of Traffic

For the past four days, College Park has been abuzz with excitement, anticipating the arrival of President Barack Obama to the University of Maryland for a Town Hall meeting in Ritchie Coliseum.  Apparently, it was all for nothing. “There’s too much damn traffic!” ranted Obama’s 2012 Campaign Manager Jim Messina. “What is … Continue reading