Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Students Rush, Riot After Customer Receives Free Mashed Potatoes

COLLEGE PARK – Students rushed the floor of the South Campus Dining Hall yesterday morning, full of celebratory fever after a student received a side order of mashed potatoes free of charge.

Katherine Krebbs, a junior economics major, gathered her usual chicken dinner from Cluckers, the campus rotisserie, when he noticed a surprise.

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night

Students celebrating a free order of mashed potatoes last night.

“They didn’t charge me for my side of mashed potatoes!” she explained the following morning from what remained of her apartment. In fact, the dining hall’s cash registers encountered a glitch, and nullified every mashed potato purchase for about a minute.

What followed next was totally called for, as students from inside and out flooded the open space beyond the registers, screaming and celebrating. Security had anticipated the rush, and escorted the cashiers through the crowd to the kitchens, with students reaching over to pat their backs enthusiastically.

“Who knows what’s next?” yelled one student, throwing mustard packets into the sky. “Maybe mac and cheese, maybe soda, maybe we’ll even get whole meals for free!”

As students wiped tears from their eyes, their chanting replaced by occasional bursts of pure emotion, one particularly pale and sweaty student let out a gutteral roar: “BENTLEY’S!”

The mashed potatoes weren't even that good, apparently.

The mashed potatoes weren’t even that good, apparently.

There followed a mass exodus, but alas, the many thousands of students could not fit into RJ Bentley’s Filling Station. Instead they flooded the streets of College Park, tossing trashcans, downing signs, climbing buildings and rocking vehicles.

“WAAAAAAHHHHUUUUGHAAAARARARAAAAAA” Krebbs said thoughtfully from the top of Ratsie’s.  Several students followed her up the walls, and together they tore down whatever that weird collage thing is on the side of Barking Dog.

The rioting went well into the night, drawing the National Guard into College Park and prompting an address from President Obama. The siege was lifted by 7:00 AM this morning, by which time College Park laid largely in ruins.

“The worst part,” added Krebbs the next morning, sifting through the rubble of College Park and UMD’s fanbase credibility, “is the mashed potatoes suck anyway.”

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Ray Lewis’s Angst contributed to this report. It can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com.

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DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!!

NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc

Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney Victory

BOSTON/CHICAGO – It was a night to remember for Mitt Romney/Barack Obama, whose second bid for the presidency proved successful at last. After a long, bitter, and expensive campaign, Romney/Obama and his supporters finally had a night to celebrate.

“Tonight, we mark true change/take a great step forward for America!” boasted Romney/Obama in his victory speech. “Tonight, we turn to America’s better future, with an eye on compromise, and hearts on our common purpose!”

Obama/Romney celebrates his victory with a speech on November 6th

Romney/Obama’s supporters were overflowing with emotion, celebrating in city streets from Salt Lake City/San Francisco to Boston/Boston.

Citizens flooded Boston Common/Grant Park to hear Romney/Obama’s acceptance speech, many weeping openly.

“This is the greatest day of my life! We are saved!” bellowed a Pastor from Charlestown, West Virginia/Editor from Baltimore. “Finally, my country made the right choice again!”

On CNN/Fox News, James Carville/Sean Hannity insisted, “The world is blessed tonight. We just bought ourselves four years of life, and put ourselves back on track to become that shining city on a hill once again. The apocalyptic end of America will be averted.”

In Chicago/Boston, it was a starkly different night for Barack Obama/Mitt Romney. His speech was a somber one, reassuring his similarly weeping supporters, “America has chosen, and now is the time to come together to support our President.” Several supporters appeared to have loud, shouting mental breakdowns during the speech, and had to be physically removed and mentally evaluated at nearby hospitals.

In some cases, riots broke out, as Obama/Romney supporters reacted with immediate panic to their candidate’s defeat.

“I hate this country/liberals!” stammered one Obama/Romney supporter in Chicago/Boston. “They’re ruining the planet/country!”

Another supporter seemed even bleaker. “The world is ending on December 21st, guaranteed,” she said. “We’re going to need a revolution or something. We just can’t have this.”

Indeed, the Secret Service has already taken preemptive action to stop numerous threats against the President(-elect), though virtually every threat turned out to be an angry eighth grader in his garage/actual large militia with guns and racism.

The most common complaints were widespread accusations of voter fraud in Ohio, Florida, and Colorado.

“Stealing elections is becoming the go-to strategy of the Democratic/Republican party,” said Karl Rove on Fox News/Al Sharpton on MSNBC. “How can we respect our President when he just stole four years of office, four years of American prosperity?”

Social networking was ablaze, as Twitter once again smashed its own record with over 20 million tweets in a two-hour period from 10:00 PM to midnight. Obama and Romney’s names topped the trending list, followed by the trend “I’m moving to Canada,” as a large number of Obama/Romney supporters professed that they would relocate to America’s northern neighbor to escape the Romney/Obama presidency.

(Note to Editor – pick one paragraph):

1/2: Republicans scoffed at this sentiment, as conservatives across Twitter responded with a barrage of various insults, from “America-haters” and traitors” to “Communists” and “Terrorists.” Even Ann Coulter chimed in: “Liberals running to their salons in Montreal… GOOD RIDDANCE!” she tweeted.

The scene outside Romney/Obama campaign headquarters post-defeat

2/2: Democrats scoffed at the sentiment, belittling the despondent Romney supporters with a barrage of arrogant and condescending reality checks. “Canada is way more socialist than America,” read several identical tweets. Even Van Jones, briefly Obama’s green jobs czar, chimed in. “Enjoy the free healthcare!” he responded via Twitter to one conservative who said he’d already bought a house in Manitoba.

Other immediate changes were evident. Gun sales have skyrocketed/plummeted, as Obama’s reelection/defeat has reaffirmed/stifled the fears of gun owners that he would push for more stringent gun control, despite his never moving to legislate on firearms in the United States.

Pundits across the board began talking about the 2016 election, where Romney is expected to seek the office (yet) again. Martin O’Malley launched an exploratory committee, and began plugging the Ohio market with television ads attacking Romney, and Vice President-elect/Congressman Ryan.

“I think Bloomberg/O’Malley has it wrapped up here,” said CNN contributor John King. His response to the hurricane/stunning hairline is an insurmountable advantage!”

On Fox News, Greg Gutfeld had a different thought. “I don’t see how Chris Christie can lose the 2016 election at this point. No other possible scenario.”

By two in the morning, gold had hit $3,000/$5 per ounce, bomb proof bunker lodging had sold out/been abandoned and used for storage for illegal immigrants, and several million Facebook friendships had ended. Indeed, it was an historic night.

Meanwhile, workers continued to work, the wind continued to blow, teachers continued to teach, and the sun continued to rise. The world didn’t end. And neither did America.

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Doc Brown contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Loh: "We're going to punch Barack Obama in the face together!"

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.

Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the ladder was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”

Loh declared his candidacy during the Republican Presidential Primary Debate in Iowa, aiming for the same flair Michelle Bachmann claimed when she announced her candidacy in the last debate.

However, Loh declared his candidacy on Twitter, not in the debate, something Rick Perry declared as “strategically sound,” but others described as “retarded.”

President Loh’s candidacy has been seriously questioned on many grounds, primarily that he was not born in the United States. Records state that he was born in January 1946 in Shanghai, China, then moved to Lima, Peru as an infant. He immigrated to the United States at the age of 16.

“He’s not born in America, and I can definitively say that without sounding batshit crazy,” former Fox News Commentator Glenn Beck said on his radio show yesterday.

Loh’s office has responded to assertions that he wasn’t born in the U.S. with various explanations from different staffers.

“He was born in Honolulu, check the birth notices in the December 8th, 1941 Honolulu Advertiser,” said one staffer, insisting that, assuming it was a usual news cycle, Loh’s name would be there.

“He was born in an American factory in Shanghai when his parents were on a business trip,” said another, insisting that Loh was therefore considered a legally naturalized citizen.

A third staffer responded to the accusations that Loh wasn’t born in the U.S. with “Neither was Barack Obama. But at least Dr. Loh isn’t potentially African or Muslim.”

One of the three explanations appeared to suffice, and Dr. Loh’s papers were filed by the Republican Party.

When Loh himself was pressed, his only answer was “What does it say about America if someone cannot achieve their dreams because of the way they are born?” Loh said he expected Congress to work out a Constitutional Amendment to change the law once and for all.

Loh’s stances on various issues are bound to draw support. He supports a full repeal of the Obama Administration’s signature healthcare law, also known as ‘Obamacare,’ and Loh has also stated that priority one of his foreign policy agenda will be to “gargle Israel’s sack.” Loh has ideas for the middle class, the EPA, and gay rights agenda, and plans to detail those in a forthcoming op-ed with The Thirsty Turtle Times.

As another man of humble origins chases the world’s highest throne, the world waits.

 

Johnny Tremain contributed to this report.

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BREAKING: Obama’s Visit to Campus Cancelled because of Traffic

For the past four days, College Park has been abuzz with excitement, anticipating the arrival of President Barack Obama to the University of Maryland for a Town Hall meeting in Ritchie Coliseum.  Apparently, it was all for nothing.

“There’s too much damn traffic!” ranted Obama’s 2012 Campaign Manager Jim Messina. “What is going on up there? All the spending this city has orchestrated in the last decade, and we can’t even control our own streets? It’s a disaster!”

College Park on Christmas day

On Friday morning, Messina called off the Town Hall meeting after the Presidential Motorcade became stuck in gridlock traffic on Route One in College Park. The return trip was surprisingly smooth; once it became clear that there was no rush to return to the White House, the traffic eased. But that hardly helped.

“The President was even angrier than I was,” said Messina.

After arriving back at the White House, The President was overheard by an NBC reporter saying “… wanted to sit down with my thumb up my ass for that long, I’d go back to the negotiating table with the Republicans…”

When asked why they didn’t use a helicopter to fly to College Park, Messina hinted about a furious phone call the night before from University President Wallace Loh, raging and storming that he was sick of all the helicopters in College Park.

When emailed for comment, Loh responded only with “Only thing I hate more than helicopters over College Park: talking to the press.”

“So we had to drive,” Messina said, still somewhat shaken. “But even with the legal right to make cars pull over and let us drive through, we still couldn’t move.  The traffic was an absolute nightmare.”

The Presidential Motorcade is allowed to use Emergency Protocol, but even sirens did not seem to help.  Evidently, drivers were unwilling to break traffic laws to get out of the motorcade’s way (like going through a light to pull over), because they feared they would be sent tickets in the mail via the photo-enforcement system.

“That transportation system is like navigating through Newt Gingrich’s conscience. It’s dark, mysterious, and you keep bumping into strange obstructions that no one seems to care enough about.” Messina ranted.

No further stops are planned.

Henry Ford contributed to this report.

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