UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.

“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”

Artist's conception of LohKeldin Park

When asked to justify a $25 million theme park while the University of Maryland is in such tight fiscal times, Loh insisted, “this project is for the students, and it will bring in money. I am absolutely convinced that my staff will be willing to foot the $2,400 yearly pass on the park.  Buy 10 years, get the 11th free! At less than six dollars a day, you can’t afford not to ride the Turtle-Shell Obliterator 3000!”

Many students have expressed shock and anger at the new plans, suggesting the money would be better spent shoring up a debt-ridden athletics department or fixing the school’s crumbling infrastructure.

“Each of those agencies has their own budget and must fund themselves, through donations, revenue, etc.” explained Loh, suggesting that the three matters were unrelated. When asked what was funding the theme parks, Loh muttered something about “the Ball Loh Hard University Fund.” He refused to elaborate.

When asked instead if bathrooms should charge entry fees to fund the plumbing, Loh abruptly stood up.

“Who the hell do you think you are, breaking into the financial office and reading our 2013 budgeting? Get the hell off my property!”

Construction on LohKeldin Park begins this week.

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LaMarcus Adna Thompson contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.

DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night

The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.

Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.

“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.

It was a joyous moment for University officials, who have enacted a series of initiatives to limit the black squirrel presence on campus, including banning them from approaching within 150 yards of all campus eateries, athletic facilities, and performing arts centers.

These signs have sprouted all over campus

“We will ride the entire campus of these ungodly beasts,” raved UMD Provost Ann Wylie. “Never again will these black bastards torment this campus. No more innocent humans and grey squirrels being beaten and raped. Never again will thievery reign throughout the land. Never again will they bring their barbarism and indecency to corrupt our peaceful gray-squirreled society. As long as we keep these monsters in check, we needn’t concern ourselves that anything else is a problem.”

No word yet on a response from the black-squirreled community. While some have suggested that a statement is not forthcoming since the squirrels are incapable of speech or thought, Wylie had a different opinion.

“They’re learning their f—–g place.”

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Bullwinkle J. Moose contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they weren’t eating turkey.

They were eating shit. Pig shit, to be exact.

“North Campus diner f*****g sucked tonight,” said one student. “Like, it wasn’t even edible. It was terrible.”

So they were eating pig feces.

Last night's banquet hall

“WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?” shouted one student, stuffing handfuls of excrement into his mouth. “We can’t eat that crap. What other choice do we have?” At that point, the student appeared to have confused himself. He simply blurted out, “Fire Edsall.”

Reporters struggled to extract any more explanations for the bizarre behavior. The students were not interested in such mundane topics. They all unceasingly spouted reasons why the University of Maryland should immediately dismiss head football coach Randy Edsall.

In Edsall’s first year as coach, the Terps struggled to a 2-10 season, losing their last seven games by double digit margins.

A majority of the students eating feces were wearing “Fire Edsall” shirts. Though none of the media on scene were sports reporters, they were able to engage the students on the topics.

“What do you say about the athletic department’s five million dollar budget deficit, plus the ten million it would take to replace Edsall and his staff?” asked a Diamondback reporter of a student arms deep in feces.

“Look at the numbers. Look at the donations we’re losing. Look at the ticket losses! We’re losing money, but we can totally afford the replacement!” said the student, his “Fire Edsall” shirt covered in pig slop. “If we don’t replace him, we will sink into a lethal spiral and the program will never win a game again and lose billions of dollars.”

“Where did you get these numbers?” asked the reporter.

Students who want to Fire Edsall eat shit en masse, apparently.

“Ted,” he replied, pointing to another student whose head was lost inside a pig’s rectum, his neck pulsing with the effort of swallowing.

After awhile, the students seemed incapable of anything beyond consuming feces and babbling “Fire Edsall.” Reporters continued to press the students to explain why they were eating excrement instead of simply waiting until morning for the diners to serve new food. Answers were short and simple.

“We’re hungry now.”

“Fire Edsall.”

“What’s so hard to understand? We want food. There’s nothing to eat. So we’re eating shit. Fire Edsall.”

One student came somewhat prepared.

“Results are like eating nacho cheese,” he said, pouring some of the same all over his plate of hot feces. “If it isn’t fast enough, you could have a real problem on your hands.” And with that, he shoved the whole plate into his mouth.

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Porky the Pig contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

Editor’s note: Recently, many of you have heard of the controversial ad displayed in The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, which presented the opinions of FLAME, a pro-Israeli political advocacy group that seeks to raise awareness of Middle Eastern issues.  Many people took offense to what they perceived to be slanderous hate speech by the advertisement, and the school’s Student Government Association went so far as to condemn the paper.

At the Thirsty Turtle Times, “standards” are like business at the Barking Dog – nonexistent. Since day one, our “About” page has told the truth – that like our namesake, we will admit anything with a pulse.

And so, the Thirsty Turtle Times is proud to print the original advertisement by FLAME, uncut, which the Diamondback deemed to “inflammatory” to publish. Enjoy!

Our Lives: An Advertisement by FLAME

The time has come for the United States to move on from its forced “friendship” with the Arab people. The Arabs are Monsters. They are demon spawn, and their hate, their incompatibility with democracy, and their desire to murder Jews is in their blood.

We have a series of expectations as a unified group of proud Zionists. This is the first request we must raise and do: that our people be free, that these Arab chains that bind us be burst asunder, that Israel be once again captain of her soul and master of her destinies, together with all those who want to join the only democracy in the Middle East, not counting Lebanon, Turkey, Tunisia or Libya. They don’t count; they’re Arab.

And the fulfillment of this first demand will then open up the way for all the other ‘reforms’ that are so necessary.  And here is one thing that perhaps distinguishes us from you as far as our program is concerned, although it is very much in the spirit of things: our attitude to the Arab problem.

For us, this is not a problem you can turn a blind eye to – one to be solved by small concessions from either side, be they settlement stoppages, “land” or “civil liberties.”  For FLAME, it is a problem of whether our nation of Israel can ever recover its health, whether the Muslim spirit can ever really be eradicated.

If only one society, for whatever reason, tolerates a Muslim family in it, that family will become the germ center for fresh sedition. If one little Arab boy survives with no Mosque or Madrasah, without any Jihadist training, Islamo-fascism is still in his soul. Even if there had never been a Mosque or a Madrasah or a Koran, the Islamist spirit would still exist and exert its influence. It has been there from the beginning and there is no Arab, not a single one, who does not personify it.

Don’t be misled into thinking you can fight a disease without killing the carrier, without destroying the bacillus.  Don’t think you can fight racial tuberculosis without taking care to rid the nation of the carrier of that racial tuberculosis.  This Arab contamination will not subside, this poisoning of the nation will not end, until the carrier himself, the Arab, has been banished from our midst.

Do what is right. Support the Israeli people in their quest for peace, by letting them know they are wrong to support Palestinian statehood. Help FLAME convince the U.S. government squash these dangerous Islamist/Jihadist uprisings in Syria, Yemen, Egypt, Libya, and more – which were clearly planned by Osama Bin Laden and ACORN, aimed at toppling peace-loving dictators in favor of something intolerable – Arab democracy. Remember, the security and peace of Israeli Jews is far more important than peace, freedom, justice, and economic opportunity for over a billion Arabs. The Arabs are a monstrous collection of devil’s advocacy; they are the antithesis of civilized man. They must be exterminated.

This has been an Advertisement by FLAME, minus the written words or implied exchange of money. Das Fuhrer contributed to this report.

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The O’Doul’s Diary: Diluted Debauchery

Have you ever listened to someone describe a night of heavy drinking to you? The story usually starts off sensibly: your friend describes his day, the time, the occasion, and so on. He’ll go on to describe the type of beverage that was consumed, the people that were there, maybe even an incident or two.

However, halfway through his rendition, the storyteller becomes a little hazy, struggling to piece together the story. As it transitions towards the end, you find yourself not only puzzled about the logical progression of the story, but also incensed that you spend the past several minutes listening to the person repeating to you, “You should have been there brah” because he doesn’t even know what the fuck happened. As you wait impatiently for the story to conclude, your friend starts apologizing for the lack detail, continually repeating “I was so drunk” like it’s a good excuse for telling a shitty story. Finally the soap opera ends with a generic conclusion like “somehow I made it home” or “I totally passed out.”

Yeah…that can pretty much summarize The Rum Diary.

GK Films The Rum Diary is based off of the Hunter S. Thompson novel which follows the life of journalist Paul Kemp (Johnny Depp), during his stay in 1950s Puerto Rico. While in Puerto Rico, Kemp receives a job writing for a rundown local newspaper – remember, this is 60 years ago. Kemp quickly finds a cliché ensemble of quirky but loyal drunkard columnists and they begin to introduce Kemp to the “rum-soaked” life of San Juan.

During Kemp’s stay in Puerto Rico, he becomes taken with total smokeshow Chenault (Amber Heard), the fiancé of an entrepreneur named Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart). In an attempt to open more hotels in Puerto Rico, Sanderson offers a lucrative deal to Kemp in exchange for Kemp to write a favorable article towards Sanderson’s property development scheme.

Afterwards the plot continues like any respectable movie shou-… wait…

Oh yeah! There’s a chicken fight and a hallucination with a freakishly long human tongue. And… hmm…what else… oh, something involving Chenault in a night club. And… uhhh… does any of this make sense to you? No, because if you’re one of the 99% of this movie’s audience that didn’t read the book, you’ll have absolutely no idea what actually happened.

Long story short, Kemp suddenly grows a sack and decides to ruin Sanderson’s development plan. However, Sanderson shuts down Kemp’s newspaper, so Kemp “takes the bastard down” by anti-climatically stealing Sanderson’s boat and sailing it off into the sunset.

The End

Believe it or not, the cohesion in my synopsis perfectly reflects the cohesion in the film. Between the dry dialogue and the unclear direction, the film falls short of really connecting to the audience. Bruce Robinson (writer of this tragedy) focused too much on forcing gonzo-like catch phrases into the story rather than implementing exciting and sinister drug-laced situations. To make matters worse, Robinson attempts to give Kemp a transformed view of morals and principles as the movie wraps up. If you look closely, even Depp rolls his eyes as he regurgitates his brain-freezing lines.

Many people went to see this movie in hopes it’ll be a revamped version of the 1998 cult favorite, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The MPAA Rating alone should have been a red flag for all of us. The film’s rating was R for language, brief drug use and sexuality.

BRIEF?!?!?

Who goes to a Hunter Thompson movie for brief drug use? I want to see ominously dark characters indulging in absolute depravity. If you market a film to the Hunter S. Thompson niche, fifty percent of the movie should be of the main characters going through outrage-induced drug binges. I want – nay, I need to see the protagonist find himself in a satanic animal sacrifice while his deranged sidekick is shooting up a narcotic Neapolitan. I need to see an underage Vietnamese crack whore going down on our inebriated hero in exchange for an ounce of opium he lied about smoking. But we didn’t get that. Instead we got the hangover and blue balls.

This film fell tragically short from its implication. Thanks for letting me down. Fuck you.

Frank Mayo is a 2005 graduate of Syrit College. He can be reached at sniffthismuffdiver@yahoo.com

Remember Turtle

Go hard tonight, but save a minute of silence for the Thirsty Turtle, our wonderful namesake which closed down one year ago today.

The Thirsty Turtle opened in November 2007, replacing many businesses that had shuttered there in the past. Owing to an unusually large retail space in the notoriously poor business environment of College Park, businesses struggled to survive at the location in the past. Turtle was different.

They innovated. And they lived.

Within a matter of months, the Thirsty Turtle became known as an underage watering hole. While the bar officially carded all patrons, the standards were notoriously lax. Many students described the pitiful quality of the fake I.D.s they used to gain entry, and in September and October of 2010, undercover cadets of the University of Maryland Police Department successfully gained entry to the bars using their real, underage I.D.s

Beyond becoming the mecca of teenage euphoria, Turtle became a cultural touchstone of the University of Maryland. To this editor, it represented the face of a D1 party school, six months before transferring to UMD.

The Thirsty Turtle was forced to surrender its liquor license in November 2010, following a stabbing incident that involved several of its patrons. The political pressure the bar faced was insurmountable, and College Park lost yet another local business.

To them, it was a bar and a “problem.” To us, it was home.

LONG LIVE TURTLE

Long Live Turtle.

Yours truly,

Editor-in-Chief

Wallace Loh’s Halloween Costume Causes Mayhem

It was termed “A Halloween gone terribly wrong” by University of Maryland Police Chief David Mitchell.  It was certainly a story worth telling.

“I would call it irrational exuberance,” said University President Wallace Loh.

On Halloween night, Loh decided to adorn the costume he thought was scarier than any other – an underage student drinking Natural Light beer. According to his wife, Barbara, he would not stop “giggling” as he put it on. It was after he glued a Natural Light beer can to his cuff that Loh caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Artist’s rendering of Loh’s costume

“LOH NO!” he screamed.

“OH MY GOD THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY MIRROR BARBARA GET RID OF HIM!”

Mrs. Loh, confused, attempted to calm her husband. The only thing Wallace saw in the mirror was his wife lovingly approach an underage drinking student.

“NO!” he screamed. “STAY AWAY FROM MY BARBARA!”

After swinging his hot fire poker at his mirror, Loh called the UMPD, and screamed that a student was drinking illegally in his house and making advances on his wife. In the recording of the 911 call, largely indistinguishable through Loh’s callous screaming, the words Loh used the most were “Kill, kill, kill!”

Arriving on the scene with four cruisers, a battering ram, and a helicopter, the police broke into Loh’s house and immediately arrested him. Tying him to his living room armchair next to his fireplace, they began to taunt and question him.

Dr. Loh and his wife

“Frat guy in the house!” ranted a captain.

“Big tough guy with his big tough beer!” spat a sergeant

“Who’s in charge here?” demanded one lieutenant.

“I am,” responded Loh.

“Where are the deputies?” inquired another lieutenant to roaring laughter.

At that point, Loh slowly raised his finger, pointing to his employees one-by-one, from cop to cop. Their smiles vanished.

Chaos reigned.

For the next four-and-a-half hours, the President’s Residence was torn asunder by furious gunfire, as well as a few grenade explosions. Each officer attempted to arrest the other four for underage drinking, despite the men ranging in age from mid 20s to lower 60s, while Wallace Loh struggled to shield his wife from the mayhem and destruction.

It seemed the only officer willing to “accept” he had indeed drank underage was Lieutenant Philip Tou. In total shame, Tou attempted to take his own life during the firefight, but his skull was too thick for a bullet to pass through.

After all the officers exhausted their ammunition, they began fighting hand-to-hand, using whatever weapons they could scrounge, including burning embers from the fire, hot fire pokers, and the empty firearms. There appeared to be no end in sight to the pandemonium.

Reenactment of Monday night’s events:

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The officers were finally distracted from their fight by a mysterious crackling and slapping sound. Silent for a moment, it didn’t take the five officers and two Lohs long to realize that the mansion they were in was under assault – by a barrage of eggs.

Having momentarily forgotten that it was still Halloween night, it took a moment for those inside to catch their bearings. But it was Tou who took control.

“TILL DEATH!” he screamed, to roars of concord, and the officers grabbed every weapon they could from Loh’s secret armory in his cellar.

In the year of our Lord 2011, policemen of Maryland, overfed and over-equipped, charged the fields of College Park. They fought like Wallace Loh-its. They fought like Terrapins, and stole their freedom.

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Mel Gibson contributed to this report

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Tornado Devastates UMPD Captain’s Imagination

COLLEGE PARK – The damage told the story.

In a city still reeling from the revelation of a dead hippo lodged in the floorboards of a local bar, officials were mortified when a massive tornado ripped through University of Maryland Police Captain Marc Limansky’s imagination, causing untold damage and leaving Limansky’s concept of reality in shambles.

UMPD Captain Marc Limansky's imagination (visual approximation)

Last week, a Limansky, having received his information from “outstandingly trustworthy sources,” warned the University of Maryland community of an impending tornado via UMD Alerts, the campus’s emergency notification system.  Despite repetitive texts and emails that warned of the tornado’s arrival in 13, 10, and 4 minutes, no tornado touched down – Except in Limansky’s imagination, where the damage was simply inhuman.

“As we all know, this is a very sensitive region,” said UMPD Chief of Police David Mitchell. “It is no iron palace. Things break down easily up there. The capacity for minor issues to grow into terrible problems is enormous. A tornado was the last thing that place needed – the damage is irreparably catastrophic.”

Initial damage estimates were high. Mitchell yesterday requested additional funds from University President Loh to cope with the destruction. Though President Loh approved, Limansky flat-out denied the aid, insisting that the money was essential to the fight against rampant underage drinking.

“I really like having rational thought proceses,” Limansky said. “But devoting only 99% of our department’s resources to oppress underage drinking is unacceptable.”

Chief Mitchell agreed.

“The force needs these funds” he said. “With all the destruction these parties and tornadoes cause, we can only assume that one day, they’ll damage actual society.”

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Glenn Beck contributed to this report.

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