DO NOT PUBLISH: Election 2012 Article Template

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!!

NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc

Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney Victory

BOSTON/CHICAGO – It was a night to remember for Mitt Romney/Barack Obama, whose second bid for the presidency proved successful at last. After a long, bitter, and expensive campaign, Romney/Obama and his supporters finally had a night to celebrate.

“Tonight, we mark true change/take a great step forward for America!” boasted Romney/Obama in his victory speech. “Tonight, we turn to America’s better future, with an eye on compromise, and hearts on our common purpose!”

Obama/Romney celebrates his victory with a speech on November 6th

Romney/Obama’s supporters were overflowing with emotion, celebrating in city streets from Salt Lake City/San Francisco to Boston/Boston.

Citizens flooded Boston Common/Grant Park to hear Romney/Obama’s acceptance speech, many weeping openly.

“This is the greatest day of my life! We are saved!” bellowed a Pastor from Charlestown, West Virginia/Editor from Baltimore. “Finally, my country made the right choice again!”

On CNN/Fox News, James Carville/Sean Hannity insisted, “The world is blessed tonight. We just bought ourselves four years of life, and put ourselves back on track to become that shining city on a hill once again. The apocalyptic end of America will be averted.”

In Chicago/Boston, it was a starkly different night for Barack Obama/Mitt Romney. His speech was a somber one, reassuring his similarly weeping supporters, “America has chosen, and now is the time to come together to support our President.” Several supporters appeared to have loud, shouting mental breakdowns during the speech, and had to be physically removed and mentally evaluated at nearby hospitals.

In some cases, riots broke out, as Obama/Romney supporters reacted with immediate panic to their candidate’s defeat.

“I hate this country/liberals!” stammered one Obama/Romney supporter in Chicago/Boston. “They’re ruining the planet/country!”

Another supporter seemed even bleaker. “The world is ending on December 21st, guaranteed,” she said. “We’re going to need a revolution or something. We just can’t have this.”

Indeed, the Secret Service has already taken preemptive action to stop numerous threats against the President(-elect), though virtually every threat turned out to be an angry eighth grader in his garage/actual large militia with guns and racism.

The most common complaints were widespread accusations of voter fraud in Ohio, Florida, and Colorado.

“Stealing elections is becoming the go-to strategy of the Democratic/Republican party,” said Karl Rove on Fox News/Al Sharpton on MSNBC. “How can we respect our President when he just stole four years of office, four years of American prosperity?”

Social networking was ablaze, as Twitter once again smashed its own record with over 20 million tweets in a two-hour period from 10:00 PM to midnight. Obama and Romney’s names topped the trending list, followed by the trend “I’m moving to Canada,” as a large number of Obama/Romney supporters professed that they would relocate to America’s northern neighbor to escape the Romney/Obama presidency.

(Note to Editor – pick one paragraph):

1/2: Republicans scoffed at this sentiment, as conservatives across Twitter responded with a barrage of various insults, from “America-haters” and traitors” to “Communists” and “Terrorists.” Even Ann Coulter chimed in: “Liberals running to their salons in Montreal… GOOD RIDDANCE!” she tweeted.

The scene outside Romney/Obama campaign headquarters post-defeat

2/2: Democrats scoffed at the sentiment, belittling the despondent Romney supporters with a barrage of arrogant and condescending reality checks. “Canada is way more socialist than America,” read several identical tweets. Even Van Jones, briefly Obama’s green jobs czar, chimed in. “Enjoy the free healthcare!” he responded via Twitter to one conservative who said he’d already bought a house in Manitoba.

Other immediate changes were evident. Gun sales have skyrocketed/plummeted, as Obama’s reelection/defeat has reaffirmed/stifled the fears of gun owners that he would push for more stringent gun control, despite his never moving to legislate on firearms in the United States.

Pundits across the board began talking about the 2016 election, where Romney is expected to seek the office (yet) again. Martin O’Malley launched an exploratory committee, and began plugging the Ohio market with television ads attacking Romney, and Vice President-elect/Congressman Ryan.

“I think Bloomberg/O’Malley has it wrapped up here,” said CNN contributor John King. His response to the hurricane/stunning hairline is an insurmountable advantage!”

On Fox News, Greg Gutfeld had a different thought. “I don’t see how Chris Christie can lose the 2016 election at this point. No other possible scenario.”

By two in the morning, gold had hit $3,000/$5 per ounce, bomb proof bunker lodging had sold out/been abandoned and used for storage for illegal immigrants, and several million Facebook friendships had ended. Indeed, it was an historic night.

Meanwhile, workers continued to work, the wind continued to blow, teachers continued to teach, and the sun continued to rise. The world didn’t end. And neither did America.

_____________________________________________________________

Doc Brown contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook.

Bentley’s Finally Stops Smelling After Bouncer’s Arrest

Prince George’s County Police Arriving to Arrest Marcus Plummer.

COLLEGE PARK: Many thought it was all over last year, when a hippopotamus was removed from the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station in College Park. The horrible stenches the established bar was known for never ceased, and the mystery continued.

Until now.

Last month, Bentley’s bouncer Marcus Plummer, 28, was arrested and charged with first and second degree assault and reckless endangerment for beating a patron outside the establishment. The rowdy, drunk customer attempted to reenter the bar after being escorted out, shouting, “I NEED TO SING THIS LINE HEYYYY MAMA ROCK ME.”

Plummer stopped him with punishing force, and hasn’t been to Bentley’s since. And a new dawn has come to the old saloon.

Indeed, R.J. Bentley’s legendary stench has finally vanished, after some 80 years of infestation.

“Theses guys have a physical job that demands a lot of sweat, toil, and most of all, focus,” said John Brown, Bentley’s owner. “They’re so enveloped in their jobs, they occasionally forget to shower or be polite.”

The famous College Park bar, frequently mentioned on ESPN specials in what is clearly not a deal arranged with sexual favors, has a new aroma. It has been variously described as “rosy,” “cinnamony,” and “like Jesus farted.”

Plummer’s case is ongoing. Rumors that Prince George’s County Jail has had to fumigated, however, remain unconfirmed.

______________________________________

Mike Wazowski contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook

China Disowns Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China (known simply as China), which drew the most attention. The reclusive, autocratic state visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

China revoked Loh’s citizenship (which expired 30 years ago) and declared that he no longer exists.  China also terminated their partnerships established with College Park on Loh’s trip to China with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley last year, which turned out to be a prisoner exchange program.

“Fuck Wallace Loh!” – Yang Jiechi

Seven students charged with underage drinking in College Park are already on their way home from Pingyao Prison in China, while the University of Maryland is returning several dissidents to China who were accused of smiling too much and reading the Thirsty Turtle Times.

China also rebuked The Diamondback, the student newspaper of the University of Maryland, for suggesting Loh’s trips to Taiwan and China were “similar,” in an article last week.

“China is happy and glorious. Taiwan is the cradle of evil,” Jiechi explained to a Diamondback reporter over the phone. “It would be like someone comparing your University of Maryland to UMUC.”

Loh could not be reached for comment, although Taiwan has currently blocked all communications as part of a “routine-being-bombed-by-China-exercise.”

It appears only one major figure was pleased with Loh’s visit to Taiwan.

“Me so excited!” said Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in broken English. “Dad telled me about days like this! We able to use agents for kidnap for make glorious University of Pyongyang! No more student have one smuggled beer in 1976!”

Loh returns Monday, hopefully.

_______________________________________________________

████████ ████ contributed to this report. He or she can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Find us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes

UMPD Does Something Right

The University of Maryland Police Department has been lauded for finally doing something right.

Alexander Song, pictured here, was arrested with shocking efficiency

Last Sunday, the UMPD arrested a student for threatening a shooting rampage on campus.  The shooting was allegedly planned for this past Monday, but the UMPD uncharacteristically foiled the plot the night before it was to happen. There were no scandals, unnecessary beatings, blaming of the wrong people, ineffectual posturing, inefficiency or any misallocation of funds or other resources whatsoever.

“I’m just s-so proud of my g-guys,” sniffed Police Chief David Mitchell through tears. “Through adversity, through doubt, they j-just n-never quit. They j-just knew, one day we’d g-get it right.”

Indeed, it has been a long road to this point. Going back to its founding more than thirty years ago, researchers have been unable to confirm that the UMPD has ever made the right decision before. University officials are planning a parade to commemorate the achievement.

“Ever since it was created to control student rioting during the early seventies’ nationwide student rebellion, [the UMPD] has made a strong tradition out of failure, incompetence, corruption, and misprioritizing,” explained UMPD spokesman Captain Marc Limansky. “Since day one, we have followed the mantra that if you just reduce the drinking, every other problem would go away.”

Chief Mitchell agreed with this assessment. “Personally, I think it has put a significant dent in Global Warming,” he said.

UMPD announcing they successfully completed operation "We are capable of stuff."

But one night, allegations rose that a student with a strong GPA and little-to-no evidence of drug or alcohol use had threatened the school with a massive shooting spree via comments on Facebook and Reddit. Legend has it that Lt. Philip Tou’s brain immediately exploded upon hearing the news.

“We had this crazy idea that if, for one night, we took one unit off alcohol enforcement and actually monitored ethereal threats, maybe we wouldn’t fail at everything we did,” explained Limansky. “Personally, I still have my doubts.”

Alexander Song, the suspect alleged to have threatened the shooting spree, was arrested that night. Officers administered several dozen BAC tests, but he was sober.

“It was weird,” said Mitchell. “We even joked that, from now on, we’d maintain this protocol, of – get this – preventing violent crime instead of alcohol enforcement,” he said, laughing. “Oh, the jokes we have down at the station!”

____________________________________________

Rufus Scrimgeour contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook.

University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.

Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.

The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.

“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department.

The students at Maryland-in-Damascus will have a significantly discounted program payment of just $1,200 for the entire semester, room and board included. The Syrian government will pick up the rest of the expenses.

“This kind of discount is unprecedented” said Ulrich. “All the students have to do is a little service for the government. How bad can it be?”

UMD President Loh and Syrian President Assad announcing the program in this clearly unaltered photo.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad was able to make a brief comment, and though pleased, he seemed a bit harried.

“Just send your students quickly. Cleanse them of moral conviction and independent thought, I need replacements now!”

When asked what he needed replacements for, Assad launched a long explanation of how his students were ‘defecting’ to neighboring Lebanon and Turkey for “fresher hummus.”

“Rats. But what can you do? Just make sure the students are wearing green,” he said quickly, before abruptly hanging up.

“Oh that Bashar,” chuckled Ulrich, counting a wad of cash. “He’s a devious one!”

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh, speaking from his McKeldin-rooftop Jacuzzi, said only, “I would encourage every student to go on this pogrom, I mean, program,” before smiling as he sank below the bubbles.

Classes start Monday.

___________________________________________

Mohamed Bouazizi contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook.

Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus.

The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity sports next year in what Athletic Director Kevin Anderson has called the “oh fuck, I’m not getting a raise any time soon.”

Loh's Future Mansion (architect's conception)

Nonetheless, President Loh and the Board of Regents have insisted on the necessity of the mansion.

“My salary is X, my expenses are Y, as long as my mansion is built I do not care where the difference comes from. That is my entire involvement,” he was heard to say before the protests, while Mrs. Loh was watching the 2008 film Taken very loudly in the next room.

Regents claim the project is being funded by private donations, but won’t elaborate on where the school suddenly accrued over seven million dollars in private money.

“Stocks” one of them said. “Lots of stocks.”

This explanation has not satisfied an irate student body, as they have continued assembling groups, writing columns in the Diamondback, and general protests. When finally the students formed an angry mob and sieged the president’s temporary residence, he said to his secretary, “What is happening? Why are they rioting?”

“Because they live in dorms sir,” she said. “They have no air conditioning.”

“LET THEM SWIM IN THEIR POOLS!” roared Loh.

After his secretary failed to explain to him that protesters in fact did not all own private pools to swim in, Loh fled to his mansion, still under construction.

“There may not be roofs, running water, or popularity for me in living here,” he said later in the day, taking shelter from the rain under scaffolding. “But at least I feel special. Where’s my brioche?”

Thanks to RL

_______________________________________________________

Marie Antoinette, Olivier Rabourdin, and RL contributed to this report. They can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on twitter @thirstytimes. Find us on Facebook.

You May Have Noticed That You’ve Noticed Nothing

Hello chaps,

We at the Thirsty Turtle Times would like to apologize for our long delay in producing the awesomeness you expect from us. Clearly we are strained at the moment, as our Editor-in-Chief is spending a semester abroad. Evidently, he felt that mounting and/or Tebowing every monument in Europe was more important than his sworn duties as chief.

Unfortunately we do not possess the cash, power or political capital to overthrow him. We may not need to, however. He has informed us that he has observed “promising signs of a Blastoise in my travels, and I will return only upon the back of the almighty beast, christened in the Notre Dame de Paris as Blastudo.”

Any day now.

______________________

The Thirsty Turtle Times is looking for writers to help fill the void until our EIC catches Blastudo. To apply, email us at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com.

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes. Find us on Facebook.

JM Patterson Building Receives Intervention After Second Suicide Attempt

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has finally received an intervention.  Officials say this was a long time coming.

Maryland students received an email at about 9:15 PM on Monday, January 16, alerting them of a fire in J.M. Patterson building.  Several follow up emails lead many to believe the blaze was uncontrollable.

Firefighters attempting to prevent JM Patterson from doing anything rash.

It was the Patterson building’s second suicide attempt in four months.  In October, the middle-aged structure mixed volatile chemicals in a desperate attempt to blow itself up.  Last week, it simply self-immolated.

The reasons seemed to be piling on.

“It never really got over its breakup with the Industrial Engineering department,” noted one professor, who chose to remain anonymous to maintain the battered building’s trust.  “That’s some 80 years of living in pain.”

The professor also disclosed that the building has ingested many chemical drugs, which he often ‘regrettably’ injected to the building himself via the chemical disposal room.

“He just never complained!” said the professor. “I can’t understand why he tolerated so much sodium hydroxide.”

The Geology Building has also noted negative trends.

“I saw Jimmy John’s delivery cars outside that building three to five times a night,” it said. “It was like JM was trying to eat itself to death.”

That wasn’t all.  The building also appeared to have entered an overly promiscuous phase in its downward spiral.

“So many degenerates got inside, without emerging till dawn.  [The JM Patterson Building] had this misplaced idea that the more people it slept with, the better it would feel,” said the Geology Building.  “It was awful to watch. I couldn’t do anything, I was so shocked, I just felt frozen to the ground; completely helpless.”

Evidently that all boiled over last Monday, when the JM Patterson, unsatisfied with its place in the world, grabbed hold of some of its circuitry and self-immolated.  The blaze was painstakingly contained after 20-30 minutes, and the building was kept isolated during a mental evaluation.

From this point forward, it’s all uphill.

“We’re so glad the JM Patterson is finally getting the help it needs,” said Sharon Kirkland-Gordon, a Director of the UMD Counseling Center, referring to the JM Patterson’s resolve to receive counseling at the Biology Pyschology building.

“There is no depth from which one cannot be saved” Kirkland-Gordon said. “The Counseling Center is glad to accept people of all backgrounds, whether black, white, gay, straight, wood or brick.”

The Bio-Pysch building, as it is colloquially known, is reportedly unhappy with the decision.

“Talk about a blind date,” is was overheard to have said.

_______________________________________________________

You can drop off words of encouragement for the JM Patterson Building at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook.

UMD to Build $25 Million Theme Park on Campus

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland President Wallace Loh yesterday announced the construction of a $25 million staff-only theme park to be built on McKeldin Mall. Construction on the controversial project could start as soon as tomorrow.

“It’s only for administrative staff,” he clarified in silk robes from his mansion’s front porch, shortly before its demolition for an even larger and grander replacement. “I don’t need any filthy lawn combers on my roller coasters.”

Artist's conception of LohKeldin Park

When asked to justify a $25 million theme park while the University of Maryland is in such tight fiscal times, Loh insisted, “this project is for the students, and it will bring in money. I am absolutely convinced that my staff will be willing to foot the $2,400 yearly pass on the park.  Buy 10 years, get the 11th free! At less than six dollars a day, you can’t afford not to ride the Turtle-Shell Obliterator 3000!”

Many students have expressed shock and anger at the new plans, suggesting the money would be better spent shoring up a debt-ridden athletics department or fixing the school’s crumbling infrastructure.

“Each of those agencies has their own budget and must fund themselves, through donations, revenue, etc.” explained Loh, suggesting that the three matters were unrelated. When asked what was funding the theme parks, Loh muttered something about “the Ball Loh Hard University Fund.” He refused to elaborate.

When asked instead if bathrooms should charge entry fees to fund the plumbing, Loh abruptly stood up.

“Who the hell do you think you are, breaking into the financial office and reading our 2013 budgeting? Get the hell off my property!”

Construction on LohKeldin Park begins this week.

________________________________________________________

LaMarcus Adna Thompson contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @thirstytimes, find us on Facebook

Two Squirrels Arrested After String of Robberies in College Park

COLLEGE PARK – University of Maryland police last night arrested two squirrels suspected of committing several unsolved robbery and assault cases this semester.

DeMarcus, one of the squirrels arrested last night

The two squirrels were arrested after a foot chase that lasted several minutes, involving several trees, the gutters above Montgomery Hall, a Blue Line shuttle bus, and a power line. Police announced that a task force determined the two squirrels “fit the description” of several unsolved cases of assault and/or robbery in College Park this year.

Recently, a string of robberies and assaults have left College Park residents angry and demanding answers. Armed robberies have struck houses as recently as a few days ago, students have been beaten in public, and there have been several rapes over the past few years. The descriptions have always managed to fit the squirrels – black males, black hair, six feet tall. The squirrels have been committing their crimes out of trees and fences, boosting their heights.

“These crimes will finally come to an end,” said UMPD spokesman Marc Limansky.

It was a joyous moment for University officials, who have enacted a series of initiatives to limit the black squirrel presence on campus, including banning them from approaching within 150 yards of all campus eateries, athletic facilities, and performing arts centers.

These signs have sprouted all over campus

“We will ride the entire campus of these ungodly beasts,” raved UMD Provost Ann Wylie. “Never again will these black bastards torment this campus. No more innocent humans and grey squirrels being beaten and raped. Never again will thievery reign throughout the land. Never again will they bring their barbarism and indecency to corrupt our peaceful gray-squirreled society. As long as we keep these monsters in check, we needn’t concern ourselves that anything else is a problem.”

No word yet on a response from the black-squirreled community. While some have suggested that a statement is not forthcoming since the squirrels are incapable of speech or thought, Wylie had a different opinion.

“They’re learning their f—–g place.”

_________________________________________________________

Bullwinkle J. Moose contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter @ThirstyTimes, find us on Facebook